"SUCK THIS CODPIECE!"

DURK KNIGHT DURK KNIGHT DURK KNIGHT! (*wheeze, inhaler*)… If you’ve suffered through badly-bootlegged prologues and photocopied script pages in order to get the faintest, frothy whiff of Dark Knight Rises musk, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Well, one of them, anyway. The Dark Knight Rises finally has an official trailer, with everyone you’ve been hoping to see — Bane, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and of course Hines Ward. Is it just me or does Michael Caine sound more Statham henchman-y than usual? “Oy made a focken promise to your muvver an favah, an now deez conts ‘as ruined it, now ‘asn’t dey.”

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You guys? I feel like we’re friends, so I’m not going to BS you. These are the same pictures from the other day, just better quality. Phew, it felt good to get that off my chest. In other Dark Knight Rises news, it still doesn’t come out until July 2012, but you’ll be able to see a six-minute preview of it in front of Mission Impossible: Ghost Panties in “select IMAX screenings,” come December 21st. No one’s quite sure exactly what defines a “select IMAX screening” (70mm, possibly?), but I’ll keep you updated. We’re cool like that.

Meanwhile, Christian Bale recently gave an interview to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, in which he was all “blah blah my character, directors were great to work with, blah blah blah Anne Hathaway is a rare talent.” You know, how actors do.

I could excerpt it, I suppose, but I find it’s more fun just to pointlessly speculate what’s going on in this scene. I bet Bane was all “Come at me, bro. I don’t think you’re gonna do sh*t, bitch.” And then Batman was all “Whatever, bitch. I’m right here, bitch. Why don’t you make a move, bitch. I’ll break your other wrist, bitch.” And then Bane was like, “Quit acting like a little bitch, bitch.” And then Batman was all “I ain’t a bitch, bitch, I think you’re the bitch. Look at you, standing there, in your vest, looking like a bitch.”  And then after that, their friends had to hold them back and one of them tore his wifebeater strap and told everyone it was ’cause the other dude was such a bitch. But I stress, these are only guesses.

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"Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers into my armpits like this, and then I smell 'em like this...."

I thought I was done with the Dark Knight Rises stuff this morning, and that was fine by me, because discussing the miniscule tidbits of a movie that doesn’t come out until next July kind of bores me to tears, but apparently there’s more. ComingSoon has the extra-special “subscribers-only” pictures, and some steamy hot plot-nuggets to pinch into your eager mouths (yes, grandma, that was scat porn imagery). I wouldn’t consider this a “spoiler” so much as boring hype, but I’ll put it after the jump just in case.

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Empire Magazine has two covers for its latest issue featuring Christian Bale as Batman and Tom Hardy as Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, which opens in July. They’re calling this “The Ultimate Exclusive!”, and it must be very exciting for people who don’t have the internet. I still think Bane’s mask thingie looks like an elaborate ball gag. I can’t be the only person who looks at that and thinks of hardcore gay sex.

[Empire]

"Hey girl, trust me, this is in self defense."

FilmDrunk favorite and gentleman snuggler Ryan Gosling is currently filming Lawless, a gangster film directed by Terrence Malick and co-starring Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara. Lawless is actually one of two new Malick projects in the works – both starring Bale but only one starring Baby Goose :( – but at least it is the only one that lets us witness Gosling with a machine gun. Is there nothing sexier on this planet, ladies? Actually, I suppose it would be better if he were shirtless and riding a lion like He-Man with Bale in a sidecar made of biceps, but we’re gonna have to settle for this.

The banner image is one of a few new stills that were recently released from the set of Lawless, but most of them were just Baby Goose being his lovable, charming self and mingling with the crew and fans. It’s good that he was being so affable with everyone, though, because rumor has it that Bale was actually firing a machine gun into the crowds. I don’t know if that is true or not, but it just sounds right.

[Editor's Note: The machine gun pictures are actually from Gangster Squad, from Ruben Fleischer (hopefully it's better than 30 Minutes or Less). Don't worry, I'll be sure to tan Burnsy's ass for this error.]

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