(“Take me, you greasy ethnic beast!  Of course, if anyone finds out I’ll have to say it was rape.”)

Did anyone here think Twilight Saga: New Moon was going to be good?  Of course not.  The best thing you could say was that there’s less Cam Gigandet in this one.  But realistic expectations aren’t the point, the point is to bathe in the delicious, delicious hate.  Ahh, it feels so good in my gills.

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes the tepid achievement of “Twilight” (1988), guts it, and leaves it for undead [That's wordplay, motherf-cker!  Ebert represent! -Ed.]. You know you’re in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead.  Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.

Bella: So…you’re a werewolf?
Jake: Last time I checked.
Bella: “Can’t you find a way to…just stop?
Jake (patiently): “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella.” -Roger Ebert

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(INVIZIBL SUB SANDWICH)

Many critics are already calling New Moon the giant wolfyest of the Twilight franchise, but director Chris Weitz (who, incidentally, is John Huston’s grandson) recently told MovieMaker Magazine that his next project will be his last.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t the banshee wail of irrational teenage girls that drove him to retirement.

As Weitz explains, his frustration with the industry has boiled over, mostly because of the studio interference that occurred during post-production on Golden Compass. “I wanted that to be my masterpiece,” admits Weitz. “Unfortunately, the edit was taken from me and whatever chance I had at that was also taken from me, which is kind of sad.”

“You know, it sounds ridiculous, but I’d really like to be a better surfer,” laughs the director. “I’d like to learn to speak Spanish fluently; I’d like to travel around, live in Italy; I’d like to learn kung fu… It’s nice to make movies, but it’s also really hard.” [via FilmSchoolRejects]

What?  You’re on top of the world and now you want to quit?  That doesn’t sound like the Chris Weitz I know.  Wait a second… Surfing… kung fu… I think I see what’s going on here.

(*tears mask off Chris Weitz’s face!*):

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^{“I’ve waited 3,000 years just to stare at your f-cking forehead.”}

I know Hollywood’s really no different than any other business in that they spend about 1% of their time actually coming up with new ideas and the other 99% sniffing each other’s butts, but still.  You’d think that just once, someone, somewhere, at some point during last five years, if only to buck the trend, would name their sequel a simple (blank) 2.  But no. The focus groups have decreed it!  Sequels mustn’t have numbers!

MTV News has the scoop on the official name and logo for Chris Weitz’s soon-to-film sequel to “Twilight.” Dubbed “The Twilight Saga’s New Moon.” [MTV]

So yeah, it’s basically your same-old vampire story, but pumped fill of fainting and melodrama and hyperbole and mormonism, so you can’t really argue that calling it a “saga” doesn’t fit.  Though I’ll tell ya what I’d like to pump it full of.   That’s right, lead.  *blows smoke off gun finger*