If you’re new here, there’s this game we like to play on FilmDrunk where we take a film we’re probably not going to see and try to recreate the plot using only quotes from other peoples’ reviews (expository only, no analysis!).  It tends to work better with the more silly-plot heavy films, but this week we don’t have that luxury, we have Adam Sandler farting while Kevin James’ pants fall down, a hurpity-durpity ding dong.  Will it be as fun as hearing how Miley Cyrus saved the sea turtles and learned to love the piano?  Probably not, but let’s try anyway.

We meet “the guys” as kids — 12 year olds winning a basketball championship. Their beloved “Coach Buzzer” lectures them afterward to make sure they “leave it all on the court” in life, too. Don’t let yourself have regrets later.  -Orlando Sentinel

The setup for the story: Their beloved old coach has died. To mourn him they return to the lakeside cabin where they celebrated their victory all those years ago. – Roger Ebert

….in “NEW ENGLAND,” as the establishing title card reads. -Chicago Tribune

Wouldn’t you know, the five kids on the team they beat are at the same lake for the same weekend. -Ebert

Lenny (Sandler) is now a big Hollywood agent who’s married to a fashion designer (Salma Hayek Pinault) with whom he has obnoxious, spoiled kids. -AP

(he insists that the nanny be referred to as an exchange student). -AZ Central

Eric (James) is also married with kids; his wife (Maria Bello) still breast-feeds their 4-year-old son. -AP

The sensitive-since-childhood Kurt (Rock) is a Rachel Ray fanatic stay-at-home dad utterly emasculated by his wife (Maya Rudolph) and her obese, “I got BUNIONS!” mom -Orlando Sentinel

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This new trailer for Grown Ups played before my Kick-Ass screening last night (review to come).  Starring Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Chris Rock, and Kevin James, from the visionary director of I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, it’s about a group of guys who were friends when they were kids who reunite 30 years later for a July 4th weekend with their families.  They try to show the youngins how to have real fun like they used to, but Kevin James is fat now so his pants fall down a lot and sometimes people fart.

While I was over on PerezHilton.com refreshing every five seconds waiting for some important insight on the human condition (I kid, I kid. Please, put down the truncheon), I found this awesome German beer commercial starring Mickey Rourke.  Disregarding the fact that the ad is for non-alcoholic beer, which, even if it tasted amazing is basically the beverage equivalent of a hot girl without a vagina, Mickey Rourke turns in another fine performance.  He plays a foul-mouthed, tiny-dog sporting version of himself who goes into a hotel bar, whereupon the bartender sneaks him a non-alcoholic beer, presumably to keep him from gettin’ sh*tfaced and tearin’ up the join like my uncle Sal.  Psst, hey, Germans, I don’t know if this reputation for trickery is a stereotype you want to perpetuate, you sneaky Jew-killers.

Bottom line, I will now begin every toast with, “Here’s to tiny dogs and the Goddamn revolution.” Whoa, did anyone else just envision a Che shirt with a Pomeranian in a beret? …Just me, then?

AFTER THE JUMP: The Tiger Woods “Slap Her With a Dick” Remix.

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Sony just released the above clip from Grown Ups, opening in June.  It stars Kevin James, Rob Schneider, and some other people, but who really cares about them when you’ve got Rob Schneider and Kevin James, am I right?  Anyway, it’s an interesting clip.   I think it must be performance art or something, like one of those clips of a bad sitcom with the laugh track removed, or Garfield Minus Garfield, or Old Dogs, but instead of record scratches and nutshots, guys blinking.  That Adam Sandler, always reinventing himself.

(I’m not going to caption it, I just love the sh*t out of this picture. -source)

DAILY CIRCLE J LINKS

• “A chimpanzee in overalls fondles a statue’s penis, then goes to the bakery to pick up a cake, but the pack of bulldogs he’s walking turn on him and chase him down the road before a bird of prey steals the chimpanzee’s cake.” |WarmingGlow|
• Check out the cover for Kevin Smith’s Green Lantern comic.  |GammaSquad|
• ATTENTION LA-AREA DRUNKARDS: My friend Joe King has a comedy show tonight at the Hollywood Improv.  You should go see him because he’s funny, and clinically insane in most states. |HollywoodImprov|
• Here’s the people who died in 2009.  They’re the people who died, died.  Aw crap, I just remembered Jim Carroll was one of them. |ScreenJunkies|
• The 25 best memes of 2009. |HolyTaco|
• The 10 most forgettable films of the aughts. |Pajiba|
• Greek tragedy performed by Dominos. |CollegeHumor|
• Incredibly impractical superhero costumes.  Look man, a codpiece is a commitment, sure, but it’s worth it. |ToplessRobot|
• Kobe’s new shoe is a whole ounce lighter than his last shoe.    |WithLeather|