“I’ve come for your Grey Poupon.”

The newest trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness hit the web today, and unlike previous trailers, where all I could remember was Alice Eve in her bra and that Nordic ice queen bob (*bites knuckle until it bleeds*), this one seems to cover just a few main points:

• Explosions

• Lights shining into the camera

• Benedict Cumberbatch’s bangs (you wouldn’t like him when his bangs are messy)

• Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice (grooowwwlw growwl growwly growwwl)

• Listen to your friend, Bruce Greenwood, Kirk. He’s Canadian.

Yes, it’s probably a lot more explosiony and less about logic and human nature and clashes of culture than you remember from Star Trek, and pretty sure William Shatner never flew around space in a jetpack. But what this movie presupposes is… maybe he should have? I’ll allow it.

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Hi, I’m the ship’s doctor, this is how we look and dress in the future

The second trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness just hit the web, and as I’ve said all along, letting JJ Abrams direct both Star Trek and Star Wars was a weird idea, like the same guy running both Coke and Pepsi, or having Mick Jagger sing for the Beatles. In this new trailer, it looks like Abrams just gets confused as to which one he’s making and films an homage to that Star Wars scene where the Millennium Falcon has to turn sideways to fit between the asteroids:

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“I’m in a glass case of emotion!”

The new trailer for the JJ Abrams-directed, Kurtzman/Orci/Lindelof-scripted Star Trek Into Darkness just hit the web this morning (not to be confused with the shorter teaser from last week or the teaser teaser before that). Like the trailer for the first one, the whole first half is voice over from Bruce Greenwood, who tells Kirk that even though he might be King Sh*t of Huge Balls Mountain right now, there’s going to come a day when his manly hubris and scrotum-based chutzpah are going to get people killed. Or as Val Kilmer would say, “I don’t like you, ’cause your dangerous.” (*air bite*) Greenwood plays Christopher Pike in the movie, but I prefer to think of this advice as coming straight from Greenwood himself. Did you know he lost a front tooth in a bar fight? He also does a mean trumpeting elephant impression. And you know you can trust him because he’s Canadian.

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Paramount has been promising us a Star Trek teaser all week, and now they’ve delivered. Star Trek Into Darkness, which unfortunately doesn’t seem to involve Charlie Murphy despite the title, has a teaser that looks more or less like every JJ Abrams movie teaser – SOMETHING F*CKING HUGE IS HAPPENING WE CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS BUT IT’S THE BIGGEST EVER AND EVERYONE’S TALKING ABOUT IT YOU DON’T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO MISS IT DO YOU?!?

Luckily Star Trek was the JJ Abrams project I actually liked, so I’m actually interested in this one. STID returns Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, and Zoe Saldana, and adds Alice Eve for eye candy and Benedict Cumberbatch for Brit candy. Cumberbatch reportedly plays some version of the villain Khan, and the teaser (at least, the Japanese version of the teaser, which I’ve embedded) apparently includes a Khan reference that I wasn’t familiar enough with the source to get. Nonetheless, I pantsed this nerd from MTV Movies Blog and the following explanation fell out:

While it’s not Benedict Cumberbatch saying, “Alas, my true identity is Khan,” but there is a visual callback to the sequel’s second most iconic scene (behind “Khaaaannnnnn” of course).
The scene of course comes right before Spock’s death from radiation poisoning. Having just saved the entire crew, Spock says he’s good-bye to Kirk with a line that will choke up any good nerd worth his or her salt. “You are my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours.”
It’s a clear reference, which seems like a curious choice for the first teaser, since everyone and their mother is assuming that Cumberbatch is playing some alternate universe version of Khan.

That alternate universe? You guessed it, ENGLAND!

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What with all the Bourne movies flying around and parkouring down rails on their motorcycles, you might not have noticed that it’s been 10 years since a Tom Clancy novel made it to the big screen. At some point, Paramount apparently decided that Clancy didn’t write enough books, and bought an original script from Adam Cozad called Moscow, based on the Clancy character Jack Ryan. Then they paid David Koepp seven figures to rewrite it. They hired Chris Pine to star alongside Kevin Costner, and Kenneth Branagh to direct and play the villain, and somewhere along the line they renamed it “Jack Ryan” and set it for a Christmas 2013 release.

After various starts and stops, bad luck and good fortune, the release date for Jack Ryan now is Christmas Day of 2013. It goes up against Universal’s martial arts movie 41 Ronin with Keanu Reeves as well as Fox’s comedy remake of The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty directed by and starring Ben Stiller. Jack Ryan resurrects the popular Tom Clancy character of CIA analyst Jack Ryan last seen on film in 2002 and now played by Chris Pine in the role already made famous by Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, and Ben Affleck.  This contemporized original prequel story picks up Ryan before he joined the CIA. [Deadline]

Jack Ryan now joins Bucky Larson, Jack Reacher, John Carter, Ruby Sparks, Charlie Bartlett, Alex Cross, and others in a long line of films un-intriguingly named after characters no one has heard of or gives a sh*t about yet, that already have, or probably will bomb. In case you’re keeping track:

Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan titles: The Hunt for Red October, The Sum of All Fears, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger.

Paramount’s Jack Ryan title: Jack Ryan.

Which one sounds f*cking boring to you?