After the jump, you can watch the trailer for McG’s This Means War, starring Tom Hardy and Chris Pine as two CIA super spies who are best of friends until one day, (*RECORD SCRATCH*) they realize they’re both dating Reese Witherspoon (*SAD TROMBONE*). Then they tear the city apart in high-octane, cutesy gun battles over her. (Because that’s totally what dudes do! Men be fightin’ over women be shoppin’ LOL!). And as an ADDED BONUS, Chelsea Handler plays Reese’s saucy, slutty best friend, Sassy Snarkington. SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS, WHAT GOD DID I PLEASE??

How are you still reading this? WATCH THIS MASTERPIECE LIKE YESTERDAY.

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When we last heard from our good friend Channing Tatum, we learned that he was adding producer to his distinguished repertoire, and to show that he is indeed the “hardest twirkin’ playa in show biznass” he’s attached to star in and produce yet another film, Ten Year. As always, he was kind enough to drop some knowledge on us.

Yo girl, it’s ya boi C-TATES and I’mma raise my rates cuz I shine like da Pearly Gates, and when me and my girl goes shoppin’ we buy furniture at the Barrel and Crates. For real, stained armoire like a mutha f*cka. So check it girl, remember when you was all fat and sh*t in high schools and da other bitches be all like, Yo girl, yo sh*t is whack and you was all like, Oh snap I’m cryin’ cuz you girls is mean to me, right? But then you went to college and yo tittays got all big like KAPLOW! Now you like, Check it son, tittays for days.

Well that’s what C-Tate’s new jam Ten Year is gonna be like, cuz like I’m producin’ and sh*t and I’m bringin’ my crew legit. Yo girl, we’s playin’ friends who meet up and lay some game at our ten year reunion. That’s like, a decade, right? Math for real, AP GEOMETRY SON WHAT! And like all the bitches gon be like, Yo C-Tate’s, you was the cappin of the footballs and prom kings and now you makin’ millions as like the prezident Obamas, recognize.

Yo Cinema Blend, will there be dancin’? You know we breakin’ it off, playa:

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If you’re wondering why I just cranked up my Soul Asylum record, it’s because they just released a trailer for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable, a film about a runaway train, never comin’ back; wrong way down a one-way track.  You can watch it now, but after it’s over, we’ll need to put on flannel and discuss social issues.  Denzel Washington and Star Trek‘s Chris Pine star as the interracial buddy cops train conductors, with Pine as the snot-nose rookie fresh out of the academy, and Washington as the grizzled veteran who’s too old for this sh*t.  Suddenly a freight train loaded with chemical waste takes off down the tracks with no conductor, and as the beautifully big-breasted Rosario Dawson helpfully informs us, it’s like a missile the size of the Chrysler building, and it’s headed straight for the orphanage/puppy shelter. Basically, it’s like if Lethal Weapon, Die Hard with a Vengeance, and Speed got wasted and triple kissed at a frat party.

Verdict?  Mehhhh.  Tony Scott is pretty hit or miss. His last three movies were Domino, Deja Vu, and The Taking of Pelham 123, about as dismissive wank-worthy a group as you’ll find.  Man on Fire was fun, but I can’t imagine watching Denzel Washington catch a train from behind with another train will be nearly as enjoyable as watching him shove a bomb up a guy’s ass and let it explode (call me old-fashioned). And as far as movies with the plots of mid-90s alt rock songs goes, I’d definitely rather see “Possum Kingdom.”

To varying degrees, Seth Rogen and Chris Pine (Kirk in the Star Trek movie) are both actors I respect whose work I enjoy (*gives self melvin for being earnest*).  So why the hell would they do a terrible McG movie opposite Reese Witherspoon?

Seth Rogen and Chris Pine are among the actors being sought to star opposite Reese Witherspoon in the 20th Century Fox comedy “This Means War,” TheWrap has learned from an individual familiar with the project.  McG is attached to direct.
The story follows two best buddies whose friendship is put to the test when a woman moves into their spare room. As they fight for her affections, New York City is literally left demolished in their wake — including such landmarks as the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty.
Rogen and Pine are being considered for the role of FDR (a character named after the late President because his parents had high hopes for him) — after James Franco officially passed [and Brad Cooper dropped out because of a "scheduling issue."] -TheWrap

Hmm, let’s go down this signs-of-a-crappy-movie checklist I scrawled on an empty take-out box:

• Bad cutesy rom-commy title?  Check.
• Lame, campy, regular-people-are-super-villains/spies premise? Check.
• Famous New York City landmarks are destroyed?  Check.
• McG is directing it?  Check, mate, and nachos.

Run, gentleman.  Run as fast as your brittle actor bones can carry you.

When I heard Diora Baird was playing an Orion Slave Girl in Star Trek, I was rightly tumescent, because Diora Baird’s breasts are made from the laughter of children and that mixture of maple syrup and melted butter that dribbles down the side of your pancakes.  Then the movie came out and deflated my wiener with the one-two punch of the lack of beautiful Baird breasts and Zachary Quinto’s intrusive eyebrows.  Today, we can finally see the Diora Baird scene that didn’t make the movie.  And it’s… an even bigger disappointment than her not being in the movie, somehow.  Dear JJ Abrams: you hired Diora Baird for your movie and you kept her fully clothed?  You’re worse than Stalin.  You’re like Hitler, if Hitler had promised the Jews ice cream before he gassed them, and then kicked a puppy.  Yours in undying hatred, Vince.

I also like how the scene involves Kirk apologizing to an Orion Slave Girl for using her.  Dude, she’s a slave girl. It’s in the title.  You don’t have to treat them like Dilythian Equality Womyn.

[video via ToplessRobot]