"SUCK THIS CODPIECE!"

DURK KNIGHT DURK KNIGHT DURK KNIGHT! (*wheeze, inhaler*)… If you’ve suffered through badly-bootlegged prologues and photocopied script pages in order to get the faintest, frothy whiff of Dark Knight Rises musk, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Well, one of them, anyway. The Dark Knight Rises finally has an official trailer, with everyone you’ve been hoping to see — Bane, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and of course Hines Ward. Is it just me or does Michael Caine sound more Statham henchman-y than usual? “Oy made a focken promise to your muvver an favah, an now deez conts ‘as ruined it, now ‘asn’t dey.”

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"Come at me, bro."

I wasn’t one of the lucky handful of writers who got invited to watch the Dark Knight Rises six-minute prologue (which plays in advance of Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol screenings at 70mm IMAX theaters next week), but among the journalists who did attend, the consensus seems to be that Bane is pretty hard to understand. (I’ll put some more spoiler-y details after the jump).

“And prepare to scratch your head at much of Bane’s dialogue, which had most everyone in Thursday’s screening asking each other how much, if anything, they could understand. I did catch one moment, when someone asks Bane if he’ll die should his now widely seen mask be removed. Bane’s reply: “It would be extremely painful — for you.” -EntertainmentWeekly

“…Bane himself, who’s almost impossible to understand due to his Darth Vader-y breathing apparatus and weird accent.” -I09

“It may be early in the sound mixing process, but a lot of key dialogue, particularly that of Bane, who speaks via a mask, was unintelligible.” -HollywoodReporter

A lot of people point out that it could just be an early sound mix, but it seems to me like the time it takes to mix sound is negligible compared to rendering much more complicated visual effects (also, would you really release a prologue with a rough sound mix?). And as long as we’re on the subject of Chris Nolan and Tom Hardy, I watched the Inception trailer and entire movie multiple times without being able to tell whether Tom Hardy was saying something about “vigor,” or “One musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger darling.” (Apparently it was the second one, but no way I would’ve been able to tell you that at the time). I don’t think the problem is the mask, the weird accent, or the breathing apparatus, it’s Tom Hardy’s big, pillowy lips. Clearly those were designed for whispering sweetly while lightly brushing against your ear, not projecting to an audience. BUT THAT COULD JUST BE THE CHARDONNAY TALKING, AM I RIGHT, GIRLS??

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You guys? I feel like we’re friends, so I’m not going to BS you. These are the same pictures from the other day, just better quality. Phew, it felt good to get that off my chest. In other Dark Knight Rises news, it still doesn’t come out until July 2012, but you’ll be able to see a six-minute preview of it in front of Mission Impossible: Ghost Panties in “select IMAX screenings,” come December 21st. No one’s quite sure exactly what defines a “select IMAX screening” (70mm, possibly?), but I’ll keep you updated. We’re cool like that.

Meanwhile, Christian Bale recently gave an interview to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, in which he was all “blah blah my character, directors were great to work with, blah blah blah Anne Hathaway is a rare talent.” You know, how actors do.

I could excerpt it, I suppose, but I find it’s more fun just to pointlessly speculate what’s going on in this scene. I bet Bane was all “Come at me, bro. I don’t think you’re gonna do sh*t, bitch.” And then Batman was all “Whatever, bitch. I’m right here, bitch. Why don’t you make a move, bitch. I’ll break your other wrist, bitch.” And then Bane was like, “Quit acting like a little bitch, bitch.” And then Batman was all “I ain’t a bitch, bitch, I think you’re the bitch. Look at you, standing there, in your vest, looking like a bitch.”  And then after that, their friends had to hold them back and one of them tore his wifebeater strap and told everyone it was ’cause the other dude was such a bitch. But I stress, these are only guesses.

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"Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers into my armpits like this, and then I smell 'em like this...."

I thought I was done with the Dark Knight Rises stuff this morning, and that was fine by me, because discussing the miniscule tidbits of a movie that doesn’t come out until next July kind of bores me to tears, but apparently there’s more. ComingSoon has the extra-special “subscribers-only” pictures, and some steamy hot plot-nuggets to pinch into your eager mouths (yes, grandma, that was scat porn imagery). I wouldn’t consider this a “spoiler” so much as boring hype, but I’ll put it after the jump just in case.

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On the following pages, I’ve got some new pictures of Anne Hathaway in costume as Catwoman from the set of The Dark Knight Rises. Since I know how sensitive many of you are to spoilers, the first page only shows my fan-art recreation of the costume. Sorry to anyone I fooled you into thinking this was an official publicity still. It isn’t. It’s just a drawing. That’s supposed to be her litter box in the background on the bottom right.

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