The Muppets has a new trailer out, and it’s pretty much two and a half minutes of sunshine and Beach Boys songs and Baby Goose knitting a scorpion jacket for Patches. Nothing against CGI, and there are plenty of CG-animated movies I love (most of the Pixar catalog), but for sheer cuddliness it still can’t touch puppets. There’s just something inexplicably endearing about them. I’m convinced there’s some correlation between tactile fuzziness and empathy that can explain our love of muppets, puppies, and Robin Williams’ career.

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One of the true joys of a new Muppets movie in this Internet age is that we were bound to be flooded either with new awesome videos or simply reminded of their old spectacular work. Either way, we win. But thankfully those lovable hand puppets have been hitting us hard with new parody marketing for The Muppets, which hits theaters on November 23rd. First we were treated to Muppet parodies of The Hangover 2 and The Green Lantern. Now, it’s Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

The Muppets stars Jason Segel and Amy Adams as a couple that helps Kermit the Frog reunite the Muppets to host a telethon to save the Muppet Theater, which is going to be destroyed by oil man Chris Cooper. Honestly, it could be about Waldorf and Statler trying on Depends while debating euthanasia and it would probably still be awesome. In fact, yes, I would watch that.

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Ben Affleck is fast becoming one of my favorite directors in Hollywood.  The Town is no Gone Baby Gone — it doesn’t really break any new ground — it’s just a sawlid blue collah directawrial effit.  Ben Affleck’s gawt a jawb ta do: make a Bawstonsploitation cawps and rawbahs movie that’s as ennahtainin as that daygo Scoahsayzee did wit the Depahted.  I’m heah ta tell you queahs that when Affleck punches the time clawk, he goes in theah an’ gives a gritty pahfahmance, leaves it all on the screen, an’ then goes home ta watch the Sawx like a good union slawb.

The film follows a pretty well-worn blueprint (though in this case, you might call it “tried and true”).  Ben Affleck plays a big, tough bank rawbah by da name a Dougy MacRay.  MacRay is a real blue-cawllah guy, who grew up in Chahlestown, where (as the beginning title card tells us) robbing banks is a trade passed down from father to son.  MacRay isn’t your average bank rawbah though — da kid’s gawt smahts, an’ a good haht.  But that won’t stop him from doin’ what needs ta be done ta go fahwahd in this dawg eat dawg enviyahment.  Jeremy Renner from The Hurt Lockah plays the Pesci to Affleck’s Liotta, the Mickey Rourke to his Eric Roberts, the ‘Worm’ to his Matt Damon, the Pesci to his DeNiro — the crazy best friend who’s always taking it one step too far and getting him “jammed up.”  Togethah they lead a rag-tag crew of no-screwin-around professional bank rawbahs from da old neighbahhood, guys like Gloansy Magloan, Mikey High Tawps, and Boogah Lips O’Shea.

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The Company Men played to largely positive reviews at Sundance (I couldn’t get in so I saw Winter’s Bone instead, which was probably better anyway), and The Weinstein Company finally released a trailer. From the looks of it, ol’ Ben Affleck’s gettin’ downsized.  One day he’s all, “Eh Tawmmy Lee Jones, check me out, I shawt an eighty fo-ah this mawnin.  It’s my new cawss rekid!”  But then his boss is all like, “Sorry, Bawbby, ya fackin’ fiyuhd ovah heah.  No offense a nuttin.  We been makin’ some hahd fackin’ cutbacks in these pahts.  ”

And then Ben Affleck is all like, “Oh gawd, I lost my fackin’ jawb?  I’m such a losah!  I wish I could stawp cryin’ like so much of a queah!  Now I’m gonna hafta go be a cahpentah wit’ Kevin Costnah, my wife’s fackin’ hahd on brothah.  Hey, what’s goin’ on, is my accent gettin’ thickah ova heah?”  And then BOOM! the tagline:

“In America we give our lives to our jobs.  This fall… it’s time to take them back.”

“Hey, jawb: ya think ya bettah den me? Yoah retahded.  I’ll downsize ya mothah. I’m fackin’ Ben Affleck, how ya like them apples?  GO SAWX.”

In Remember Me, Robert Pattinson stars alongside Pierce Brosnan, Chris Cooper, and Emilie de Ravin, who manages to be 1000 times less annoying in this than she was as Claire on Lost, when all she did was whine and cry and pout and yell and oh god I hated her.

Robert Pattinson plays Tyler, a rebellious young man in New York City who has a strained relationship with his father (Pierce Brosnan) ever since tragedy separated their family. Tyler didn’t think anyone could possibly understand what he was going through until the day he met Ally (Emilie de Ravin) through an unusual twist of fate. Love was the last thing on his mind, but as her spirit unexpectedly heals and inspires him, he begins to fall for her. Through their love, he begins to find happiness and meaning in his life. But soon, hidden secrets are revealed, and the circumstances that brought them together slowly threaten to tear them apart.

Well it’s a good thing he did this film.  It would’ve been a shame to see him get typecast as the broody emo who always falls for the wounded dove type.  Who bites her lip to indicate attraction.

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