Confucius was a legendary Chinese thinker who lived from 551-479 BC whose humanist philosophies continue to influence Asian society today so naturally the trailer for the movie about his life begins with flaming arrows and swordfights.  Yaaah, do unto others as they would do unto you and tits and fire and heavy metal!!!  And as the film draws nearer to release (opens January 28th in China, no U.S. release set), you can expect more racist pidgin speak from me, as I’m sure Confucius would’ve wanted it this way.  Framing allows? Prease harp us!  It stars Chow Yun-Fat and was directed by I-kid-you-not “Hu Mei,” as if that’s not just a bad Laurel and Hardy bit waiting to happen.  In fact, I’m just gonna hit myself in the nuts with a pie and call it a day before this gets embarrassing.

[via Twitch]

(Oh, hello. I’m film actor Chow Yun-Fat, bringing you some wisdom of the Orient: it’s time you and your family had a serious discussion about Liberty Mutual.)

This is the first trailer for Confucius, starring Chow Yun-Fat, directed by Hu Mei (Who, me? AHAHAHAHAHA!  *sigh*), no release date yet.  The trailer doesn’t have subtitles, but that’s okay because there’s no dialog, just lots of shots of Chow Yun-Fat looking thoughtful and having a beard, a style still emulated by unemployed coffee shop hipsters everywhere.  Confucius, of course, is the legendary Chinese thinker born in 551 BC, whose teachings would influence Asian society for thousands of years.  “Be good at math,” Confucius wrote, “and if someone in line in front of you for subway, elbow them in ribs, even if you are old.”  He’s also credited for numerous proverbs, including “If man rack joke fo brog post, man must rery on tiled steleotype.”  Legend has it he also put pee pee in someone’s Coke.

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Good news, everyone!!!! The sequel to Dragonball already has a script!

“I know they’ve written a second one and it’s pretty far out there,” actor Justin Chatwin [Goku] told MTV News. “The second one really goes to some different places that I’ve never seen in any comic book adaptation,” said Chatwin.

Likewise, James Marsters [Piccolo] is not only ready for a second chapter, but would like to see the franchise continue indefinitely. A die-hard fan of the anime, Marsters has every intention of fulfilling the arch of Piccolo [sic] in live-action. “We’re going to get to ‘Dragonball Z’ later,” said Marsters, “where Piccolo becomes youthful and he’s going to become the Piccolo that most people recognize.”

Well after beetle swallowing and wire-fu jizz fireballs, I don’t know how they’re going to top themselves in the sequel.  Though they might have a tough time getting Chow Yun-Fat to come back for another one after he figures out where he is.

John Woo’s production company is developing a sequel to his 1992 Hong Kong classic, Hard Boiled.  Which I suppose is great news to someone who hasn’t seen a John Woo movie since 1992 (Paycheck, anyone?).

“Screenwriters Jeremy Passmore (Special) and Andre Fabrizio (upcoming John Carpenter film The Prince) are penning the adaption of the Woo-produced 2007 video game Stranglehold, which was an official sequel to Hard Boiled and featured star Chow Yun-Fat reprising his role as hard-boiled cop Inspector “Tequila” Yuen. I assume the film  being developed for American audiences, as American screenwriters are attached.” [/Film - original source, THR]

In case you weren’t around in the late 90s, there was a bit of John Woo fever going around Hollywood.  The video above is his famous, nearly three minute, one-shot action sequence from the original Hard Boiled.  The YouTube file calls it “the greatest action sequence ever filmed.”  But aside from the fact that he did it in one shot, what’s so great about it?  The choreography isn’t that great (nowhere near as good as Tony Jaa’s famous single-shot action sequence) and neither is the cinematography. It’s mainly just a corny, bloodless gun fight.  And as for Woo’s American films, you’ve got Broken Arrow, Face/Off, Mission Impossible II, and Windtalkers; B-movies that didn’t know they were B-movies.  So, in summation, a John Woo comeback?  Here’s me dismissively wanking with both hands while white doves fly around behind me.

Based on this new trailer for Dragonball: Evolution, I’m not sure if it’s a movie or a test for epilepsy. “You’re the only one who can save us, fruity guy with stupid hair!” Bang! Zip! Blur! Fireball! Explosion! Dragon!

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