Happy Thursday, Drunkards and Drunkettes! Vinnie’s teaching grown adults in Dragonball costumes what push-ups are while they wait in line for the “Saying Inception Was Brilliant Makes You Cooler” forum at this year’s Comic Con, so me and Chodin are gonna take a break from sword-fighting to bring you the hip movie news.
What’s that, you say? Sure, I’ve got some Uproxx links:
Speaking of Chodin, check out his feature on The Tribe of Edward 40 Hands. (Uproxx)
For everyone wearing a wristwatch right now, I’d like you all to please take a close look at the long and short hands of your clock. If you look carefully enough, you’ll notice that at this exact moment it is time for Corey Feldman to cash some mother f–king checks. ShockTillYouDrop just posted the new trailer for Lost Boys: The Thirst and if you’re anything like me, you’ve just crapped into a paper lunch sac.
This time around we follow the Frog Brothers as they embark on a race to save humanity, blah, blah, blah, vampires be shoppin’. I’d love to overindulge you with a synopsis, but Feldman’s voiceover in the trailer is too good to rival. It’d be like showing up at Charlie Sheen’s house and competing to see who could verbally threaten his wife better. You’ll always lose.
“There is a nightcrawler… who’s created a new designer drug… the only problem is that it’s not a drug… it’s Ellen Degeneres vampire blooooood.”
And the award for Most Highbrow Photoshop Concept goes to…not Chodin!
If in 1992 you had stepped out of a time machine and said, “Hey queer, in the future there will be a fourth installment of Universal Soldier and it’s going to be in 3D!” I would have probably praised that as one of the coolest ideas ever and then worshipped you as some kind of demigod. Though mind you that in ’92 I also thought Hypercolors were going to be the future of fashion -in my defense, I was waaay into crack cocaine and Satanism back then. Well, regardless of whatever we may think is or isn’t a good idea, news out of Cannes this week is that Jean-Calude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren will reunite in October for Universal Soldier IV. And yes, the film will be in 3D. Of course.
Details are still pretty scarce on the asinine project, but it does make me kind of sad that only now are we applying the concept of 3D to Jean-Claude Van Damme. I’m thinking that they should have started in the 80s and just made everything he’s ever done into three dimensions -interviews included. I mean, do you have any idea of the kind of sick sh-t that I would do if I could watch the below Arsenio Hall interview in 3D? Let’s just say that I’d be open to sexual adventures involving Sarah Jessica Parker and a Slap Chop. Read the rest of this entry »
Update: Weinsteins for the win. Well, looks like those two oblong-shaped bastards felt like teasing you with only the idea of a teaser. Unfortunately every video I’m finding has had the embedding code removed like a witch doctor’s vasectomy. You can click here to head on over to youtube and watch the video from there…or, you know, we could just stay right here…in this moment…gazing at each other.
Attention everyone, if I may interrupt the ceremonial group sex for just a moment, I’d like to introduce you all to our newest cult group member. Everybody, this is the official teaser trailer for Piranha 3D…teaser trailer for Piranha 3D, this is everybody. Yes, that’s right folks I said “teaser”, because unlike most other trailers, this one is fairly hush-hush when it comes to revealing any kind of plot points or character reveals, so STFU.
Haha, you queers I was only kidding. This trailer might as well be the entire damn movie. Now please, commence with the orgy!
Well played Piranha 3D, well played. Reel us in under false pretensions and then blind us with clip after clip of your ridiculous product. Alas, as much as I want to berate you for your dishonesty, I can’t help but kinda’ respect your spirit; kids got moxie. Makes me wish that more teasers in life offered overindulgence…like my 8th grade girlfriend, LaTonya. Come on girl, if you loved me you’d let me touch them.
It brings tears of joy to my eyes any time that I get to see a group of greed-stricken individuals put their differences aside and work together in the hopes of overthrowing a rival group of greed-stricken individuals. In this case, I’m talking about Los Angeles’ biggest entertainment players, all pooling their drug money in an effort to save the iconic Hollywood sign from certain demise. Oh yeah, lest I forget, the true O.G. himself, Hugh Hefner, donated a lump sum of $900,000 to support the cause. Once again cementing his historic title as “the coolest old dude who gets chicks way hotter and younger than I ever could”.
Nearly 140 acres behind the iconic Hollywood sign will be saved from development as the result of donations from some of entertainment’s largest companies and orgs, along with a final $900,000 from Hugh Hefner that closed the gap in the $12.5 million fundraising effort.
“My childhood dreams and fantasies came from the movies, and the images created in Hollywood had a major influence on my life and Playboy,” said Playboy founder Hefner. “As I’ve said before, the Hollywood sign is Hollywood’s Eiffel Tower and I am pleased to help preserve such an important cultural landmark.” [Variety]
Take note that Hefner also previously helped rebuild the Hollywood sign back in 1978, when he held a fundraiser at the Playboy Mansion and auctioned off individual letters from the sign for $27,700 a piece. So class, what has today’s history lesson helped us all anticipate for the future? That’s right, in another forty-two years, Hollywood will be relying on the cryogenically frozen head and penis of Hugh Hefner to rescue its sign.
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