I once read that "gun" was a euphemism for "large penis".

When I arrived on set it was a little before 9:00am. That meant I was early. I figured that if ever there was an opportunity to be on time for something, the morning you’re offered to visit an adult film shoot had better be it. Not to mention, our filming location was a good 40 miles outside of Los Angeles and just a brief ten minutes prior I’d convinced myself that I was absolutely lost. So, you can imagine my relief when I realized that I’d made it to the correct address: a dusty horse ranch on the outskirts of L.A. county.

As I locked the door to my truck, the wind kicked up a nice thick cloud of manure and pimp slapped me right across the face with it. To add insult to injury, it was cold-as-hell out, too. Really cold. An ugly day was certainly brewing on the forecast, but that wasn’t enough to postpone (yet again) this day of shooting. I’d been told that 30 days prior production had been rained out and forced to reschedule this pivotal day of filming. Hell or high water, something erotic was getting filmed today, whether Mother Nature liked it or not.

In true Daily Bugle fashion, I was brandishing a very obvious notepad and pen tucked tightly underneath my armpit. I stood out like, well, a douche writer on a porn shoot. From afar, thank God, my production contact noticed my arrival and emerged from a small wooden cabin to introduce himself. Following an awkward-but-necessary “welcome to set” handshake, he begins to explain that the crew is busy sorting out a small “situation” that has just come up: apparently there is an issue with the day’s scheduled Bear Girl-on-girl scene. Yes, Bear Girl. I wish I could say that this had caught me off guard, but one must come to expect these sorts of things when Vince Mancini asks you to visit the set of True Grit XXX.
*fires finger guns into air, holster and pants fall down completely*

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Hey Warner Bros., quick, I think I see one last memento from my childhood that you can desecrate! In what could very well be the most frightening production ever, the studio is looking to bring a live-action Pinocchio to the big screen. The script is being penned by Bryan Fuller and produced through Dan Jinks (American Beauty, Big Fish, Milk). What’s that you say? There’s already been multiple live-action versions of Pinocchio? Oh, you hush your dirty little slut mouth, Hollywood doesn’t want to hear your sensical logic.

Do elaborate, won’t you Variety:

Jinks told Daily Variety that he was inspired by Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” to begin work on a new version of “Pinocchio.” “I think we’ve found a fresh approach that’s going to be very entertaining,” he added.

Wait, so what you’re telling me is that a producer was watching a Disney movie, which was already a live-action version of a Disney cartoon, and then got the foresight to do a Pinocchio project? Simply amazing, I can’t imagine what other projects he has floating around inside that brain. Hopefully this soothsayer has an ace up his sleeve, because we all know there will ever only be one true live-action Pinocchio and his name shall remain Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Godspeed, Randy Taylor from Home Improvement.

Well of course I’ve included Siskel & Ebert’s review of 1996′s The Adventures Of Pinocchio after the jump. What do I look like -some kind of savage?

-Chodin

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Well, now all the nonbelievers can finally add Disheveled Joaquin Phoenix to their list of imaginary holiday figures -Casey Affleck has officially revealed to the New York Times that his upcoming Joaquin Phoenix fecal party, I’m Still Here, is actually just a piece of performance art. Shocking, I know. And for all three of the people who just genuinely gasped, I’d like you to drink some of this Kool-Aid.

*hands over leather canteen*

In a series of e-mails that followed a Thursday interview with the paper, Affleck turned all bromo and couldn’t stop praising the star of his film:

“His performance is compelling, always watchable, manages to be repulsive and charming, believable in all emotions, completely committed, incredibly brave,” wrote Mr. Affleck. It must have been “tedious” for Mr. Phoenix, he said. “How difficult to resist the cheap joke, the wink, the nudge.” But, he added: “He has the tools for this. He has the goods in spades.”

“I hope Joaquin gets nominated for all kinds of awards,” wrote Mr. Affleck. “He deserves it.”

Yeah, whatever you say, Casey. He has goods in spades and three in the stink, we get it. When asked about the infamous David Letterman interview, Affleck was adamant that Dave wasn’t in on the gag, but the New York Times posted a link to an article from Nuvo.net where Late Night writer, Bill Scheft, claims Letterman was completely aware the whole time.

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Oh GAWD, hide the good silverware and lock that deadbolt -it’s only been a day since we last mentioned Michelle Rodriguez and she’s already back to turn us all into her bitch. Yesterday, after wrapping up a panel discussion with some of the cast and crew from Battle: Los Angeles, handlers were able to corner Michelle and subdue her long enough to pick her brain on why practically every character she portrays always ends up getting the sh*t killed out of them. After much initial hissing and spitting, Rodriguez responded with:

Because I don’t take my clothes off, and I’m nobody’s girlfriend. The writers are new to the whole tough girl thing, and they don’t know what to do with [me]. We’ve got the dude who’s strong, so what do we do with the chick who’s strong? We kill her. Eventually they’ll get used to it, and maybe Salt will change a thing or two. [io9]

[click the link to watch a video of the interview. io9 isn't sharing their embedded code with anyone. -Ed.]

Yeah, whatever you say Michelle. I mean, I would have argued that your characters always die probably because they’re next to impossible for any actual human beings to relate to, not to mention that every time you…*Michelle Rodriguez slaps Chodin across the mouth* Okay, okay! Down girl! I get it, never mind. I love you…

First released Battle: Los Angeles stills after the jump:
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Am I the only one who feels like these red bumps just won’t go away The Avengers project has been hanging around for, oh I don’t know, say 30 years now? Hell, we’ve already exhausted ourselves on every possible cast combination and rumor mill fodder you could imagine. But worry no longer, young Padawans, because it’s now been officially confirmed by Joss Whedon (Serenity, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog) himself that he will definitely be directing The Avengers upcoming silver screen debut. Whedon’s duo panel with J.J. Abrams yesterday was the first time that the news was made public, resulting in 200 plus screaming fans all crapping their denim shorts simultaneously.

Please, tea bag me with your knowledge The Hollywood Reporter:

“It’s not an official thing, I think because Marvel couldn’t afford a press release,” Whedon said. “So can we make that an official thing? I’m directing ‘The Avengers.’ ” Asked what his take will be on the film, Whedon replied, “I am still writing an outline. I’m still in that stage. I will say the thing I love about it, the thing that made me excited to do it, is how counterintuitive it is. These people shouldn’t be in the same room — and that is the very definition of family.” [THR]

Well slap my penis and call me Lou Ferrigno’s ball sac (it’s named Henry, FYI) for the first time I’m actually genuinely confident in this project. For so long it’s felt like this thing would never take flight, let alone a writer/director would get attached who actually knows what they’re doing and is knowledgeable of the concept. Say what you will about Joss Whedon (his “These people shouldn’t be in the same room” quote is admittedly more applicable for a prison shower than The Avengers), but the guy actually gives a sh*t when it comes to production and these days that’s few and far between in a director (why can’t we clone Christopher Nolan?).

Video after the jump:
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