It is with swollen balls and hairy chaffed palms that I report this sad news: the entertainment agency CAA has just acquired the rights to Archie Comics Publications. As if the concept of a redheaded teen hooking up with chicks wasn’t already asinine enough on paper, Archie and his pals may soon make their way to the big screen. Per Variety:
Archie Comics Publications has signed with CAA. The agency will seek to create branded entertainment opportunities in film and TV in much the way that it has for toymaker Mattel.
Well, at least they’re managing to respect the integrity of the Archie franchise. I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about toys here, we’re talking about…about…wait, did they just say f–king “Mattel”?
(Jason Ritter: the man with four eyebrows)
Those f–king hipsters will just not let up, man. This is the “official” trailer for Peter and Vandy, a film I already want to punch in the boob, purely based on the fact that one of its main characters is named Vandy. Starring Jason Ritter and Jess Weixler, I think it’s a movie about songs that play for 15 seconds and then suddenly drop out. No really, I’m sitting here in ski socks trying to count the number of songs they cram into this thing and I’m at like five or six.
Anyway, the film’s IMDB page supplies what my malnourished fingers just couldn’t: the most vague, universally-applied film synopsis ever.
(Dear Penthouse Forum…)
Looks like everyones favorite birth name is back in the news today (relax dude, it’s not you). Diablo Cody has signed on (presumably in the brightest sparkle crayon she could find) to write/produce a theatrical version of the popular book series Sweet Valley High, per Variety. You may recall the Sweet Valley High series as “those rectangles I use to keep my coke table level”, but they’re actually books. And they open up to reveal knowledge…about twins!!! *chugs beer as lightning bolt transforms landlord into bikini model*
Diablo Cody’s heading back to high school, signing on to write and produce an adaptation of the “Sweet Valley High” book series for Universal. Mason Novick, Adam Siegel and Marc Platt are also producing.
By now, my mom has probably sent everyone an internet link regarding the uplifting story of Susan Boyle, the Shrek-like singing sensation from the U.K. TV program “Britain’s Got Talent”. Well, since fact-checking is officially dead these days, starpulse.com is reporting, from no source whatsoever, that Robin Williams has been asked to play Boyle in a bio pic about her rise to fame.
He says, “I’ve been asked if I want to play Susan in the movie. I think she’s incredible. That clip of her singing on Britain’s Got Talent was extraordinary. So inspiring. It was quite a shock when she began to sing. I saw some other clip of her singing ‘Cry Me A River’ a few years ago. It was incredible. She’s got a really great voice.”
Seems like a reasonable enough quote from Robin Williams, doesn’t it? Well, if you loved that last quote, then you’re really going to sh-t the bed with this next sentence:
Variety first broke this story last Thursday, but to be honest, I reeeaaally didn’t want to accept what I had heard. So, in an attempt to completely erase all knowledge of this project from my memory, I spent the weekend doing what any virile, young man would have done: drinking moonshine and flicking wadded up dollar bills at underage strippers. Try as I might, I still couldn’t shake the nightmares:
Peter Chelsom (director of Hannah Montana: The Movie) has been chosen by CBS Films to direct Last Vegas, a movie concept so f–king lame that even as I sit here watching this VH1 dating show, it still sounds pretty asinine.
The comedy — which CBS originally acquired as a $1 million pitch — centers on four semi-retired baby boomers who head to Las Vegas when the last of the Coney Island buddies, a successful lawyer in his 60s, decides to tie the knot.
Man, this Chelsom guy really lucked out with his timing, what-with the success of The Hangover and all. Oh, you mean this wasn’t a coincidence after all?
