You know we’ve come a long way when the formerly Maoist regime of China is not only allowing their citizens to watch films from the greedy imperialist west, but they’re cutting said films in order to add more consumer advertising. I guess this is what winning the Cold War looks like. USA! USA! USA… I always knew that if I just cracked enough Coors Lights, those dowdy artillery plant workers would shed their grey coveralls for a bikini pool party. (*air guitar*)

HONG KONG – As the houselights dimmed in cinemas across mainland China at around midnight on Tuesday, audiences attending the first wave of public screenings of Iron Man 3 fell silent with apprehension as a question appeared on screen: “What does Iron Man rely on to revitalize his energy?”

After a three-second blackout, three big Chinese characters appeared onscreen: “Gu Li Duo.”

The Marvel fanboys shouldn’t bother to rummage through their libraries to solve this riddle, because Gu Li Duo isn’t a a mystical power source in the original comic series — it’s a milk drink which is on sale for less than $1 a carton in convenience stores across mainland China.

Phew, I was worried the answer was going to be ground up rhino horn, or endangered tiger penis.

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In this tough economy, finding and keeping a job can be pretty tough for most people, but an independent Chinese organization that is totally not at all affiliated with the government feels your pain and that’s why they’ve created an exciting new opportunity for one enterprising soul. The organization Safety Alliance is hiring a Chief Pornography Identification Officer that will, according to the Daily Dot, work toward “establishing industry standards for internet safety, improving China’s internet usage environment, protecting netizens’ internet rights and interests.”

In other words, China, your porn is about to become a little scarcer thanks to some dude in a swivel chair pulling in $32K a year, as long as he can live up to these intense job requirements…

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Why yes, shutterstock *does* have a category for “disapproving Chinese”

Just a few days ago, stories went around about Tarantino supervising a cut of Django Unchained that would pass Chinese censors. He was said to be “turning the blood to a darker color,” and “lowering the height of the splatter of blood,” among other things. At the time it was reported:

It was not clear whether China’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT) will take a look at Django Unchained in the wake of Tarantino’s alterations, though reports last month said the film had been passed for release providing minor cuts were made.

Well it sounds like they weren’t too thrilled with the final product, as Django screenings were abruptly cancelled across the country. Some audience members said it was stopped just minutes into the screening, leading many to wonder if the projectionist had played trick.

Quentin TARANTINO’s Django Unchained was pulled from Chinese cinemas this morning, (11 Apr 2013), on its opening day. Midnight previews of the film had been held just a few days ago.
Distributors China Film Group and Huaxia Film Distribution were to have given the film a wide national release on behalf of Hollywood studio Sony Pictures.
On social media, cinema chains blamed the cancellation on “technical reasons”. Some audience members claimed that the film was stopped one minute into its projection at morning screenings with no clear explanation given.

“You might wonder how different theaters in different cities could have the same ‘technical’ difficulties. And technically speaking, the man from the government said he would throw our asses in forced labor camps if we continued.”

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Tom Tykwer and The Wachowski Starship‘s Cloud Atlas (my review) recently had 40 minutes shaved from it by mainland China’s strict censors. Amazingly, the cuts had nothing to do with the film’s horrendous Asian-face make up, they were more about sexiness and gay stuff.

Material deleted mainly comprised of love scenes, gory sequences and nudity. A number of same-sex love scenes between actors Ben Whishaw and James D’Arcy were also cut from the film due to the Sarft’s strict ban on homosexual content. Mainland actress Zhou Xun has a small role in the film and appears in a sex scene which is expected to be cut.

“Although the mainland version is a bit constrained, [we] fully believe in the regulator’s editing standards,” said Cloud Atlas co-director Tom Tykwer, who was in Beijing on Tuesday to promote the movie ahead of its January 31 release. [Scmp]

Did you catch that? That’s the amazing part of this story to me, that Chinese censors cut 40 minutes – a full fourth of the movie – and the directors still showed up in Beijing to promote it. I know it’s basically a cottage industry here to bash China while simultaneously grubbing for their money (see: the presidential debates, both candidates), but that’s still stunning that they showed up to the premiere of a film they didn’t even get to cut themselves.

Though “Cloud Atlas” directors said they believed Chinese editors, they didn’t do the cut themselves. Qiu Huashun, boss of the Dreams of the Dragon Pictures, said the cut is due to Chinese censorship regulations and the interests of Chinese market.

“It sucks really,” director Lana Wachowski told China.org.cn, “But I believe you can watch the full version online.” [china.org]

It’s hard to tell if there’s even a way to do that legally in China. Of course, Tykwer and the Wachowskis’ showing up reflected some economic realities:

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Jackie Chan has a bit of a history of working with Chinese government-financed film companies, and as we know, the Chinese government has some strict rules about what it will allow in its movies (Chan also has a history of endorsing some shady products, but that’s another story). Point is, he has in the past seemed perhaps a little too willing to work with repressive government organizations. In a recent interview, he goes so far as to condone repression.

Noting that Hong Kong suffered long periods of oppression under the British colonial administration, Chan said the eventual longing for freedom “does not mean people can do whatever they want.”
“Hong Kong has become a city of protest marches — that’s what the world has been saying,” he said in an interview with the Guangzhou-based magazine Southern People Weekly. “In the past it was Korea, now it’s Hong Kong. [Demonstrators were] scolding China, scolding [the country's] leaders, scolding everything. We should have rules dictating what [issues people] can march for, and which they can’t.”
During the conversation, Chan also repeated the controversial remarks he made at a business leaders’ forum at Boao in April 2009, when he said he’s “not sure” if personal freedom is a good thing and that the Chinese people “need to be controlled”.
“Traffic regulations need to be followed — and can we not regulate against counterfeits? I have learnt to follow laws. Whoever does that [management], even if it’s the government, I will support it,” Chan added.

Hmm, that last bit leads me to wonder if perhaps he’s gotten ineffective law enforcement confused with freedom of speech and assembly. He talks about regulating counterfeits, and you’re like okay, sure, but then he wants only certain kinds of protests allowed, and you think, “Whoa, easy there, Hitler.” But like all Hitlers, he does have a few good ideas. OH GOD HOW DO I ERASE THIS? Anyway, he also said Rush Hour was the film he dislikes most.

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