The 3D, softcore porn adventure that swept China faster than the Cultural Revolution is coming to the US.  Sex and Zen 3D: Extreme Ecstasy (OOOH WHA-AH AH-AH) outgrossed Avatar and sold out its entire first week in Hong Kong, and now China Lion has given it a trailer (watch it below) and official distribution.

China Lion bought what producers called “the world’s first 3D erotic film”

…even though it actually isn’t.

– whose cast includes Japanese porn stars — after seeing its Hong Kong opening day gross of $351,000 beat the record previously set by Avatar.
China Lion concluded the deal at Cannes.
Both Australia and New Zealand let Sex and Zen 3D screen uncut with an R18 rating.

They’re used to seeing uncut porn in Australia and New Zealand.

Down under [ha ha!], Sex took in [hee hee!] $600,000 on nine screens for a per-screen average of $67,000, or more than six times the per screen average of competitor Scream 4. Over six weeks in Oz, Sex has wrung [heh heh!] $1.1 million from local filmgoers, or $122,000 per screen, beating Fast 5 [ho ho!] per screen average of $114,000, China Lion said in a statement.
In New Zealand, Sex squeezed [harf harf!] an opening week per screen average of $24,000, matching the per screen take of Pirates of Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. [THR]

To recap, it performs well in China, where people are fine with traveling three hours by bus in order to look at porn, and in isolated Asian communities abroad where people are used to jacking off in rooms full of strangers.  They’re probably just happy  this one gives you goggles.

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Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy, while not the world’s first 3D porn, is fast becoming its most prominent, beating Avatar‘s opening-day record when it opened last week in Hong Kong.  It just goes to show you, Chinese people love traveling two days by bus to go jerk off in a room full of people wearing goggles. James Cameron, meanwhile, can afford to have Chinese masturbators bused to him.

Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy took HK$2.78m (£219,000) [$362,110] on its first day last week, compared to James Cameron’s epic which earned HK$2.63m (£207,000) [$342,269].
The film has now taken HK$17m (£1.34m) [$2.2 million] in the five days since its release.
Takings have been boosted by an influx of viewers travelling from mainland China where it is not being screened. [BBC]

No porno?!? Reagan was right, Communism sucks.

The movie, which stars Japanese porn stars Hara Saori and Suo Yukiko and Hong Kong actress Vonnie Liu, tells the story of a sexually frustrated scholar in ancient China who loses himself in the harem of a duke he befriends.

Weak, I was hoping a movie called “extreme ecstasy” would have more skysurfing, or at least a Red Bull shower.

Sex and Zen features full nudity and camouflaged lovemaking scenes but does not show actual sexual intercourse, as is common in pornographic films.

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I’ve read the script for MGM’s Red Dawn remake, and let me tell you, probably the least offensive thing about it is the fact that the bad guys are Chinese.  Offensive to your intelligence, anyway.  In any case, because we’re all old, drippy nightgown-covered vaginas nowadays, MGM is changing the bad guys in the movie from Chinese to North Korean, thereby excising any element of integrity from the original, which was a pretty crappy movie to begin with.

Without Beijing even uttering a critical word, MGM is changing the villains in its ‘Red Dawn’ remake from Chinese to North Korean.

When MGM decided a few years ago to remake “Red Dawn,” a 1984 Cold War drama about a bunch of American farm kids repelling a Soviet invasion, the studio needed new villains, since the U.S.S.R. had collapsed in 1991. The producers substituted Chinese aggressors for the Soviets and filmed the movie in Michigan in 2009.

But potential distributors are nervous about becoming associated with the finished film, concerned that doing so would harm their ability to do business with the rising Asian superpower, one of the fastest-growing and potentially most lucrative markets for American movies, not to mention other U.S. products.

As a result, the filmmakers now are digitally erasing Chinese flags and military symbols from “Red Dawn,” substituting dialogue and altering the film to depict much of the invading force as being from North Korea, an isolated country where American media companies have no dollars at stake.

People close to the picture said the changes will cost less than $1 million and involve changing an opening sequence summarizing the story’s fictional backdrop, re-editing two scenes and using digital technology to transform many Chinese symbols to Korean. It’s impossible to eliminate all references to China, the people said, though the changes will give North Korea a much larger role in the coalition that invades the U.S. [LA Times]

Spending a million dollars to avoid offending a repressive Communist regime with a fictional movie?  Why, that’s EXACTLY what Ronald Reagan would’ve done!  (*strips down to American-flag speedo, shadow boxes to “Living in America”*)

Jackie Chan is a happy-go-lucky movie star, so it’s no surprise that he gets a lot of endorsement deals, especially in his native China, where he’s their most-recognized celebrity.  But it seems he’s not particular enough about what he puts his name on, and lately, so many Chan-endorsed products have been failing that some people are saying that Chan is like a reverse King Midas, where instead of gold, everything he touches turns to TOILET POISON.

When news broke last month that an anti- hair-loss shampoo he promoted allegedly contained carcinogens, Chinese cyberspace and media were buzzing about the “Jackie Chan curse.”

Anti-hair-loss shampoo contained carcinogens, huh?  Gotta love China.  Here in America, celebrities like Jimmy Johnson are free to endorse transparent snake-oil products like pills to make your boners bigger with no repercussions, but hey, at least the pills aren’t made out of rat’s milk and factory runoff.

Consider the auto repair school that Chan plugged to aspiring Chinese mechanics: It became enmeshed in a diploma scandal [you mean your Chinese mechanic school diploma is FAKE? The dastard!]. Another of his sponsors, a maker of video compact discs, went bankrupt and saw its manager jailed for fraud. An educational computer that Chan pitched to children called the Subor Learning Machine flopped. And a cola he quaffed named Fenhuang fizzled. [ALLITERATION, the reporter later added.]
More recently, an air-conditioner brand that Chan promoted was hit by a report that one of its units exploded. Media wags couldn’t resist invoking the Jackie jinx.

“He has become the coolest spokesperson in history,” said an editorial in Oriental Guardian, a Nanjing newspaper. “A man who can destroy anything.”

Few know whether Chan actually uses the shampoo, called BaWang, which its manufacturer claims keeps hair roots strong and black.

CHAN: Dis hair root on regurah shampoo! (*cut to tired, mangy dog falling asleep in the mud*)  Now!  Dis a your hair root onna BaWang! (*cut to Jaden Smith karate kicking through board*)  BaWang! Strong and brack!

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Every once in a while, I receive a press release and think, “Wow, you’re really just begging me to make fun of this, aren’t you.”  This was one of those times.

DMG Entertainment has secured the romantic action comedy “Killers” as the closing film at the 2010 Shanghai Film Festival, it was announced today by DMG Entertainment CEO, Dan Mintz.

“Killers is a coup for the Shanghai festival.  By understanding Western and Eastern culture, DMG understands what resonates with the Chinese people,” says Mintz.  “’Killers’ has two popular American stars in Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl and the tone of this romantic action comedy has just the sort of identifiable traits in American projects that can be appreciated and enjoyed by the Chinese people.”

Mintz added: “The Chinese love American movies. However, it’s a tough market to break into and Hollywood needs to understand the subtleties of how to do business with China. We’ve spent 17 years perfecting the art of East West relations and we’re part of the cultural fabric, which mean we get things done.”

“We’ve spent 17 years in China and we know better than anyone that the Chinese will absolutely LOVE this Katherine Heigl Ashton Kutcher abortion that’s currently running 0% among top critics on RottenTomatoes. You think they care?  These people will eat sparrow eyes boiled in ox vomit and then smoke cigarettes made from rat turds.  That’s a delicacy here.”

2008: China tries to send tainted milk to America.  2010: America sends Killers to China.  Your move, China.