The media is going bananas today (WHACKETY SCHMACKETY) with the news that Cheetah, the chimp who starred opposite Johnny Weissmuller in Tarzan the Ape Man, died this week at the age of 80. Not only did he outlive both his co-stars (Weissmuller died in 1984 at 79, and Maureen O’Sullivan, who played Jane, and who died in 1998 at 87), but chimps normally don’t live past 50, making Cheetah some kind of chimp George Burns. If that were the end of the story, it’d be quite simple. But these chimp stories never are.

It seems “this is the chimp from Tarzan” is a popular claim among chimp owners (and to be fair, there were likely multiple chimps used in the film), and an impostor was outed a few years ago.

Another Cheeta – this time with no “h” at the end of his name – was exposed as a fake in 2008 by Washington Post journalist RD Rosen, who had been asked to write a biography of him. In later years, the fake Cheeta had found himself marketed as a painter of “ape-stract art”, with several canvases exhibited at London’s National Gallery. However, with a little investigation, Rosen discovered that the cigar-smoking, paint-daubing impostor was in fact born in 1960 or 1961 and had never been in a Tarzan film.

I like the idea that this journalist made it his mission to out this CHIMPOSTOR for the fraud it was. He’d probably be sitting in his crappy motel room, watching yet another human-interest story on local TV, with this fraud Cheeta finger painting and living it up, while RD Rosen gritted his teeth and crushed a pencil in his fist. This son of a bitch had to be stopped, but no one would believe him, not even his gruff-but-fatherly editor. “GIVE IT UP, ROSEN! YA GOT NO EVIDENCE!” But RD Rosen never let a few banana peels slip him up on his way to THE TRUTH.

As for the recently-departed Cheetah, here’s what we know about him:

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Friday Free for All is that time of the week I reserve for the funny, weird, sexy, or fart-y videos I want to post that might not be strictly “movie-related.”  I may not have to wear pants to work, but there’s no reason I can’t shirk my responsibilities on Friday like everyone else. (*puts on towel cape, helicopters wiener*)

I don’t speak Japanese, but today’s Friday Free For All clip (via WarmingGlow) features a Japanese game show, the object of which seems to be how much food you can stack on top of your pet.  They eventually get so much food on the first poor dog that drool starts leaking from the corner of his mouth (same thing happened when I wheeled my hot dog stand past a Stephenie Meyer book signing).  Oh God, I want to hug him so bad.  It’s cruel, but I admit, I laughed at that part.  But later, when they MAKE A CHIMP A CAGE OUT OF 800 BANANAS, it’s clear that things have gone too far.  Look how bad that chimp wants a banana.  I guarantee someone’s face is getting ripped off.  Meanwhile, somewhere, Kirk Cameron just watched this and questioned his faith.

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This isn’t news and it certainly isn’t new (thank God, Bo Derek is 53 now), but it would be criminal not to share it with you (you’re welcome).  Consider it a Forgotten Classics: Boner Edition.  Anyway, it comes from 1981′s Tarzan, the Ape Man.  You can see the awesome uncensored picture and mesmerizing NSFW gif animation here.  It’s billed as “The most beautiful woman of our time in the most erotic adventure of all time,” and the first user review on IMDB says “Absolutely the worst Tarzan film ever made.” But the important thing is watching a chimp get to second base with Bo Derek.   Is it wrong to be really turned on by this?  I guess not, it’s not like he’s railing her from behind.  …Though I’d probably be turned on by that too.  The chimp could take her from behind and then throw poop at her.  I think I saw Ron Jeremy do that one time.

[Thanks to Ufford/WarmingGlow for the tip]

I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking covering news about all the big boring Hollywood blockbusters when there’s so much goodness to be found in Disney’s direct-to-DVD* catalogue.  In my travels across the internet, I recently came across a title called MXP: Most Xtreme Primate, from 2003.  Anticipation boner in hand, I went looking for the trailer and found it, and it’s pretty much everything I had hoped for.  A chimp, riding a snowboard, doing tricks and generally throwing a MONKEY wrench into everyone’s plans.  Ha, take that, squares!  I needed to know more about this amazing film, so I dug up this review on IMDB:

It’s no wonder they added the “X” in the title of this sequel to MVP and MVP 2. It has the best monkey shower scene I’ve ever seen. This monkey nudity only served to make the primate more “human” so I can understand it’s inclusion in the film. With out it, it would have been merely a typical animal sports movie in the tradition of Air Bud.

I haven’t seen monkeys and humans bond this well, since “Gorillas in the Mist”. Not only does the monkey take a shower, but he also brushes his teeth, shave with a razor, plays the drums, plays video games, drinks a frozen drink and gets brain freeze, and oh yeah he snowboards too. What will Jack do next? I for one can’t wait. Opposable thumbs way up!!!

Oh man, I think I just peed a little.  This is so Xtreme.  If they made an MXP body spray I would spray it on my shit and throw it at people.  MXP makes the Cool Mule look like the king of all dorks.

*Make that VHS