I found him. He's behind the virgin.

Back in June of ’09, Vince pointed out that back in March of ’08 I made an absolutely hilarious* comment about “Where’s Waldo?” becoming a movie. So of course it didn’t surprise anyone when Universal and Illumination Entertainment stole my idea and paid seven figures to turn a series of books about a dork in a striped sweater getting lost at the beach into a live action film.

Well forget about those companies, because now MGM has the rights to Waldo and the studio that was in financial hell only one year ago is finally making this 24-year old character that has never had a plotline come to life.

Classic Media will produce the picture for MGM , with co-CEO Eric Ellenbogen and Hanford’s business partner Mike Gornall executive producing. “Waldo is the most searched-for character in the world,” said Ellenbogen in a statement. “With thanks to MGM, fans everywhere will find Waldo in movie theaters with his motion picture debut.”

(Via Slash Film)

Yeah, maybe now that Bin Laden is dead. But what the hell has Waldo done for me lately? All I’m saying is that this movie better not be two hours of us staring at a barber pole only to realize he’s hiding behind a little boy with a bunch of balloons. God I hated that book.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you heard that clip of Samuel L. Jackson reading faux-children’s book Go the F*ck to Sleep and thought, “this is great, the only thing that could make this better is if it was Werner Herzog,” you’re in luck. Herzog recorded a special version of the audiobook for the New York Public Library (slash Hobo Whack-Off Dungeon), and now it’s online.  It’s about as intense and profound and bleak as a German director could make a comedic children’s book.  Still, I can’t help but wish he’d re-written it to make it, you know, Herzoggier…

Now cheeldren, ist time to go to schleep.  Schleep eest but za preview for za eternal schlumber zat befall us all.  Death.  Blackness. Za Greem Reapah — eet bind every leeveeng sing, from za schmallest plankton to za shreemp oont frogs oont zalamanders oont grizzly bears oont vhales oont ein fockeenk sloths to za man, za only aneemal blessed viss za abeelity to conseedah ein own mortaleety.  Eez poetry.  Eez zeess zat geeve us za ceevilization, so much more so zan za MacDonaldz, za iPod, za fockeenk aerobic eenstruktor vees her Starbucks fockeenk vaneela latte een za lunch break.  Zo schleep now, child.  You shall rest only ven you oonterstand ein own magneefeecent eenseegneeficance. Eez beautiful.

[via Movieline]

Read the rest of this entry »

Channing Tatum, the hardest twerkin’ man in show bizna$$, is set to star in yet another film incantation of the classic story of Peter Pan. The project, tentatively titled Peter Pan Begins *nudges Chris Nolan, rolls eyes* will be produced by Joe Roth and written by Billy Ray, whose name got that terrible “Are You Jimmy Ray” song stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, jerk.

This is Tatum’s first foray into the fantasy genre, but Roth is no stranger. He seems to be quite the expert at taking old ideas and turning them into new versions that destroy our innocence a little more each day.

Roth produced last year’s billion-dollar grossing adaptation of Alice in Wonderland, is in the casting stages of Oz, the Great and Powerful, which is set up at Disney with James Franco and Mila Kunis starring, and has Snow White and the Huntsman set up at Universal with Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron in the leads.

While no one has made any bids, the Peter Pan package is attractive. (Via Hollywood Reporter)

Added Jenna Dewan, “Attractive, but burnt.”

As always, my good friend C-Tates was more than happy to give us a little insight into his latest project…

Read the rest of this entry »

(Looks like mom’s the only one upset.  The moral of the story is that women be naggin’.)

This is a time when the movie industry is literally optioning gum wrappers from the 50s, so it should come as no surprise that there’s going to be a Berenstain Bears movie. If you’ll remember, the Berenstain Bears is a famous children’s book series about a family of bears who mostly did gay crap like teach lessons about non-violence and never ate anyone.

It’s a bear market for one group of moviemakers. [kill yourself. -Ed.] Shawn Levy, director of the Night at the Museum movies, has signed on to produce a feature film based on The Berenstain Bears books, a comedy he says will be a mix of live-action and computer animation. The characters were first published in 1962 in The Big Honey Hunt.
“I’d like the film to be un-ironic about its family connections but have a wry comedic sensibility that isn’t oblivious to the fact that they’re bears,” Levy says. “The comedy comes from this bear family coexisting in a more recognizably real world. I think the movie will be witty but never sarcastic,” he says.  [USA Today]

Yes, because as Jesus teaches, sarcasm is a tool of the devil, like avarice or Danny Masterson.  Anyway, I’m glad they’re the Berenstain Bears and not the Berenstein Bears.  Bears are normally cuddly and benevolent, but Jew bears are liable to eat a Christian baby.  Aw, crap, I’m going to letters from Eli Roth now, aren’t I.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’d never heard of the Tom Trueheart series of children’s books before today, but a live-action adaptation of the first book was just greenlit with a $60 million budget.  My favorite part is quote from producer David Uslan:

“It could have easily been a wonderful comic book series or graphic novel. When I look at a property, I not only look for a great character-driven feature film but a video game, a toy line and a digital series as well. ‘The Secret History of Tom Trueheart’ hits all those platforms, along with having great international appeal.” [THR]

“Because the job of the modern-day producer is not just to ask ‘is it a good story?’, but also, ‘Can it be a ringtone?  Will it Twitter? And what of iPhone apps?’”