Man, the Slumpuppies‘ lives keep sounding better and better.

“Slumdog Millionaire” child star Azharuddin Mohammad (left) reportedly was beaten by his father Friday just days after attending the Oscars.
His father, Ismail Mohammad, got enraged when his son tried to avoid media in front the family’s home in the Dharavi slum.
He punched Azharuddin’s face and kicked him while the child cried and covered his face in pain.
The boy’s mother looked on in horror, crying out to her husband to stop, but the elder Mohammad kept delivering the punishing blows until his son fled.
“Azharuddin’s father was upset that he was asking to be left alone because he was tired,” an onlooker said. “It was like a scene out of ‘Slumdog Millionaire.’”
The father apologized after the incident became public, saying he was “very sorry.”
“I was so confused and stressed by my son’s homecoming that I did not know myself for a minute,” he told the Sun. “I love my boy and I am very happy to have him home,” he said. [NYDailyNews]

What a f-cking dick.  Guy’s kid does one movie and he’s already acting like a stage parent.

Casper Van Dien is doing just fine.  He just cares about the kids is all.  He cares about them so much, in fact, that he was willing to put on his old Johnny Rico outfit from Starship Troopers and make this PSA about child abuse (and yes, this is an actual, recent PSA).  Because though he may play have played a guy who kills outer space bugs on the big screen 12 years ago, it’s the men and women who fight child abuse every day who are the real heroes.

You know, I think Casper might actually be using this as his audition for that movie Van Damme wants to do where he beats his kid.  Van Damme vs. Van Dien.  With the timeless themes of karate and child abuse.  Someone get on that.

[via /Film]

Even though JCVD turned an awesome concept into an annoying film school masturbation, it was worth it for bringing Van Damme back into the media spotlight.  Not even Steven Seagal does a better interview.

“You know, like, we’re gonna do Bloodsport 2,” he told us in a recent interview. “Which was my first movie. And I want to do it now in a very mature way, where the guy from Bloodsport is a complete bum, maybe abusing his son.”

[On encountering resistance from the studio] “They told me, ‘No, no, no!  You cannot make a movie in America where a father is abusing his son physically! It’s wrong.”

“And you cannot be a guy on drugs doing karate and shit like that.’ I said, ’Why? Why? Tell me why.’  It’s against the rules of success. But I believe the other rules of success. To show something real.” [TotalFilm]

Dear Studio Exec: Think about it, Bloodsport 2: Child Abuse and Drugs and Karate and Shit, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gary Busey.  The world is counting on you.

We’ve already double-teamed one story today so this is pushing it, but this clip I found on WithLeather is both movie-related and the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen all day so I had to post it.

Anyway, ever wondered what would happen if two stinky ultimate frisbee players figured out how to copulate and then gave birth to a child who was more than the sum of his sheltered pussy parts?  Okay, now mix in some mercury-tainted vaccines and private-school education and what do you get?  Motherf#$king college kids playing motherf%*king Quidditch, that’s what.

So apparently the most sheltered retards in wannabe exclusive Northeast private schools like Vassar and Middlebury College are playing quidditch, the made-up game from the Harry Potter books.  Yes, the same game that requires flying around on a broom and a tiny magic ball that flies around of its own volition. [WL]

God I’m angry.  I’m going to punch every inanimate object I see, beginning with homeless people and eventually moving my way up to white babies (not that white babies are higher up, just that I don’t see black or Mexican kids playing goddamned Quidditch).  This is what happens when people stop beating their kids.  I don’t want to live in that world and if I have to smack your kids myself until they learn that there is such a thing as a stupid idea, so be it. 

And if you’re keeping score at home, people who play quidditch just shot to the top of my list of people I want to stab, just above guys that listen to techno in their car, club promoters, white guys with dreads, and the cast of Sunset Tan. (Trannies that trick me into doing them by being super sexy have been demoted to a stern talking to)

Check out the new trailer for The Eye below, or watch the hi-res version here. 

Unlike the teaser I posted awhile back, Jessica Alba talks in this one, which, as her Punk’d appearance* proves, is clearly a mistake. On the other hand, one good thing about it is that Parker Posey’s in it, and she can actually act. It’s sort of scary when casting directors do that; almost like they’re using the merit system or something.  If I ever have raise children, I plan on randomly dispersed beatings and trips to the ice cream parlor and toy store regardless of their behavior in order that they should learn the world is an angry, confusing place with neither rhyme nor reason. That life is like a box of chocolates and sometimes you get punched in the mouth on a ferris wheel.

Anyway, The Eye is about a mannequin blind woman who regains her site after a cornea implant, and anyone who’s ever seen a horror movie can pretty much figure out what happens after that.

^{*And subsequent use of the word "bidness" to describe male genitalia}