A pair of high-school baseball players were caught MURDERING poor DEFENSELESS BABY CHICKENS in a cruel attempt to improve their batting averages this week, according to reports.  Movies may be to blame, as chicken-sacrifice was of course a feature of multiple baseball films, including Bull Durham and Major League, which starred Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano.  Well.  It seems as if Mr. AllState’s “good hands” are suddenly COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF CHICKENS!

Benbrook Police Sgt. John Van Ness confirmed Thursday that authorities have charged the two players with cruelty to livestock animals. He said the case has been turned over to the Tarrant County Juvenile Court where a decision will be made on whether to prosecute the two players, ages 15 and 16.

Van Ness said a baby chick was decapitated March 17 behind the school’s baseball fields and then another one killed the same way March 18.  The two players were kicked off the team for the rest of the year and disciplined by the district, school officials said.

Which still leaves the big question: did it work?

The Cougars have gone 2-1 since the incident, including Wednesday night’s 11-1 victory over Southwest High School. Fort Worth Dunbar plays at Western Hills.

Two and one, hmm… Sounds like a moderate success.  I guess this means JOBU DEMANDS MORE HEADLESS CHICKENS!

Meanwhile, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals reached out to Western Hills, offering and encouraging administrators to help with animal education issues. It also encouraged the school to form an animal rights club on campus.

Ugh, of course they did.

Read the rest of this entry »

The city of Atlanta sponsors an event every late spring called Screen on the Green, in which they show films for free on a giant screen in a public park.  In past years, when the event was sponsored by Turner Classic Movies and the films were classics like Casablanca, the event was said to be a relaxed atmosphere of casual drinking and lounging.  In 2008, the event got a new sponsor, Peachtree TV, whose selections have included Big Momma’s House, National Treasure, and Jurassic Park.  Then last week, the film selection was Transformers 2, and all hell broke loose.  The Atlanta Journal Constitution picks up the first-hand witness accounts, and trust me, you’ll want to read all of them:

According to witnesses, groups of marauding teens took over the event. About 15 minutes into the movie, “everyone’s attention was diverted to the back end of the event where a group fight was taking place.”

One movie-goer said free chicken sandwiches may had contributed to the brawl. [CHICKEN MADNESS!  -Ed.]

Read the rest of this entry »

Today’s Forgotten Classic comes from 2006 and if you wanna get technical, it’s not so much “forgotten” as it is “Nigerian.”  It’s called Chicken Madness, and it bills itself as “the mother of all comedies.”  At first I thought it was all in heavily-accented English spoken really fast, a lá a New York cabdriver, but then I realized it’s mostly another language with just enough English words thrown in to pique my curiosity.  And whenever things are in danger of getting boring, an announcer comes on and says “Chicken Madness – CHICKEN MADNESS!”  to let you know that this movie intends to have rough sex with your funny bone.  Later he reads the names of the cast and when he gets to the girls’ names, I’m pretty sure he says “MMMMM” and makes a kiss sound, like the Puerto Ricans on my corner when a girl walks by.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think we’ve finally found a replacement for Don LaFontaine.

Read the rest of this entry »