Yo yo yo, word up to Rita Wilson, y’all, our boy Chet Haze just dropped a new single. Our favorite rapping rich son of an Oscar-winning actor has just released “Finest Girl,” which his manager, Briggs Goldberg (I like to imagine him as a rich Jewish kid with a gold grill that says “BRIGGS” in diamonds on his teeth) describes as:

“This video shows that Chet is truly a dynamic young artist.  Taking ‘Pop’ to new levels of excitement, ‘Finest Girl’ is sure to resonate with people who appreciate great music!” – Chet’s Manager, Briggs Goldberg, Kinetik Entertainment

Those sarcasty quotes around “Pop” was probably completely accidental, and yet perfectly accurate. Sample verse:

All I remember, is goin to the club, out on the floor, that’s where I fell in love… with you (with you, with you…)
A queen for kings to dream for two…

Pretty standard. Though I’m really sad he didn’t start it with “Yo, CHP! Let’s kick it!” (The CHP would stand for Chet Haze Posse, obviously). I’m wary of making too much fun of Chet Haze, because he provides me with endless entertainment (seriously, check out his Reddit account comments). He’s priceless, and it only works because he’s so incredibly earnest. Pure, dumb earnestness like this is rare, and it’s the life blood of the internet. In a world of irony and self-doubt, I want to mash fratboy rapper Chet Haze’s simpleton bravado into a gravy and sop it up with a biscuit, oh God it’s delicious. Now it’s running down my chin. Quick, hand me that do rag.

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If you’re not aware, “Chet Haze” is the nom de rap employed by Tom Hanks’ second son, Chester, currently a theater-majoring fraternity dude at Northwestern. Long story short, he’s a human caricature, and he’s endlessly entertaining. Yesterday, Tom Hanks’ youngest son, Truman, did an AMA on Reddit, where the following exchange took place:

[–]Thanksy[S]
Haha I love Chet! He was a lot bigger than me when we were younger, so
when I annoyed him (which was a lot) he would rough me up (a lot). But
now that we are older, we are very close, like I am with Colin and
Elizabeth.

As for his music, I like some of it and other not so much. Hollywood
is good. I’ve never been one for hip-hop, except for some exceptions
in a few songs.

[–]chethaze
Love you bro. Surprised to see you on the front page! Congrats.

[–]ThaBomb
Holy moly, this is actually Chet. I just went through his post
history, and about 80% are posts on gonewild trying to pick up girls,
15% are cool stories from being around celebrities so often, and 5%
are pics of his bongs posted in /r/trees.

Obviously, we have no way of knowing whether http://www.reddit.com/user/chethaze is the real Chet Haze, but if it isn’t, it’s the most brilliant parody in the history of parodies, and the author must not be particularly interested in his work being read, because immediately after the above exchange, Reddit’s “Chet Haze” started a thread about how to delete his commenting history. Thankfully he didn’t figure that out before I got to it, because it is amazing. Let’s just say ThaBomb’s characterization is fairly accurate. I’ve compiled my favorites after the jump, in sections.

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When Chet Haze isn’t attending classes on the mean streets of Northwestern University, packin’ da clubs, or telling people that they’re pussies if they’re being bullied, he’s honing his skills as the rap game’s next big MC. Chet – AKA Chester Hanks, AKA Tom Hanks’ son – proudly proclaims on his Twitter account that he’s a self-made man, climbing the ladder in the hip hop world by earning mad respect and being a hard worker. And I agree with him. Because if his name were Chester Zmed, he’d definitely have a single being played on Syrius right now.

Last night, Chet took one more step toward hip hop mogul status with the release of his video for the hella tight single, “Do it Right”, which features the smooth playboy all in up some boo’s lady biz. We post this video not to mock Chet Haze, but to praise him. He is an inspiring force in the entertainment industry, with his daily Twitter affirmations to help make us want to be better people. Let “Do it Better” be your anthem for the rest of this week, as you pursue your dreams.

You know, before you realize your dad isn’t a world famous A-list actor that can’t provide you with any influence through affluence. Good luck!

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For the past few weeks, we’ve been bringing you exclusive updates on the eventual Channing Tatum blockbuster White House Down, which will be directed by Roland Emmerich and gross roughly $16 trillion dollars. Through my anonymous sources, I’ve been able to show you storyboards of C-Tates’ as Secret Service agent Cole “Snoop” Baretta, who was retired from the game, only to be brought back after the President was kidnapped by Colonel Ackbar Muslim, played by John Malkovich.

Originally, we were led to believe that President Jefferson Washington would be played by rapper T-Pain; however, Variety is now reporting that Emmerich and Sony have their hopes set on Jamie Foxx. Unfortunately for Variety and all other news sources, the storyboards keep rolling in and we already had this news. After the jump, check out the latest scene of C-Tates’ White House Down.

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Why yes, that *is* Vanilla Ice rapping with a small child.

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This week on the Frotcast, we brought on our old friend Laremy Legel from Film.com to discuss Cowboys & Aliens, so we did that for a few seconds, and then we talked about how terrible this week’s trailers are, and then we brought on Burnsy to try to pick the song of the summer.

Episode notes:

• 4:00 – Me saying “respect” to C-Tates and asking Gina Carano a question at Comic-Con
• 10:00 – Steven Spielberg takes the stage to collect his fake Comic-Con award and give a cheesy speech
• 13:22 – We talk Attack the Block, briefly.
• 15:00 – We make fun of Battleship for a while. “So there’s an… ocean robot? That turns into a plane?”
• 19:35 – We make fun of New Year’s Eve for a while
• 37:00 – We talk Cowboys and Aliens
• 53:00 – DON’T MISS! We bring on Burnsy to try to find the song of the summer.

Email us at Frotcast@Gmail.com, Subscribe on iTunes, and download this week’s episode here (right-click, “save as.”)

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