Christina Aguilera has been taking a lot of heat lately, for screwing up the lyrics to the national anthem and for looking more and more like a Fraggle Rock puppet, but I think things are starting to look up.  Her Golden Globe-nominated film Burlesque just opened in India, and from the sounds of this review, they liked it.

[last paragraph of Sampurn Wire's review in OneIndiaEntertainment]

Cher has performed well but Aguilera was at her best vocal form often shouting her undisputed vocal prowess. It has a very predictable storyline with some clichés taking the story forward. Stanley Tucci offers a great performance as the manager Sean, who stands as a pillar of strength for Tess. It is a treat for the homosexual fans of Cher.

Wait, homosexual?  You mean because it’s a musical?  That doesn’t make any sense.  If I’ve learned anything from watching Glee, it’s that the people who love Cher music the most are football players and big tough guys with mohawks.

In any case, I’ve turned the tables with my review of the Indian film Endhiran, which I called “A tour de force for anyone who loves a giant cobra made of robot men that slithers around eating cars.”

Just when I thought this new Burlesque trailer had appealing to gay men down to a science — singin! Dancin! Drama! Cher! — boom, cinematic poison Cam Gigandet shows up.  He spends most of the trailer wearing a bowler hat, like somebody went out to the forest and kidnapped the ugliest sloth they could find and forced him to play A Clockwork Orange.  Anyway, if I can force myself to see beyond that hideously deformed river troll for a few seconds, and that means supressing my gag reflex, the plot is that Christina Aguilera comes to LA with just the clothes on her back and a dream, a dream that she would one day do softcore strip shows at one of those burlesque clubs that will be all the rage for the next six months.  But then Cher is all, “You think any super pretty girl with blonde hair a big boobs can just barge in here and get up onstage and dance, just because she’s got a Grammy nominated voice?  Please!  This is burlesque!  You wanna act like a bimbo you can take your ass back to Coyote Ugly!  NOW LEMME SEE YOUR JAZZ HANDS!  TEXAS?! ONLY STEERS AND QUEERS FROM TEXAS! NOW CHOKE YOURSELF!   AAAHHHHHH!”

Or something like that.  Anyway, musicals aren’t really my thing, but this one seems like it will be a lot better than Nine, mainly because it actually looks like a musical and not a perfume commercial.

DURRRRRRRR

After the jump, watch the first trailer for Burlesque, starring Cher, Christina Aguilera, and Stanley Tucci (The Tooch).  I would’ve put the video on top, but I wanted to capture the weird cross-eyed blink thing Christina Aguilera keeps doing with her eyes.  For the uninitiated, a burlesque dancer is basically a stripper who can read, and this movie would like us to believe that it’s making a comeback.  The movie itself looks like kind of a throwback to something made in the 30s or 40, but I mean that in a good way, because the dialogue is delightfully ridiculous.  Some of my favorites lines:

“When you are putting on your makeup, you’re like an artist, but instead of painting on canvas, you’re painting a face.”

CHER: What happened to all the great dancers in LA?
STANLEY TUCCI: They’re all dancing with the stars.

Allie?  Is that short for something?
Alice.
Well, Alice.  Welcome to wonderland.

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Jay Maynard, aka Tron Man, who’s a computer consultant (shocking, I know), has been forced to sell his private plane on eBay due to the tightening economy.  I can’t believe this guy used to own his own plane. He must’ve had to beat the pussy off with a lightsabre. |Wired|

Universal bought the rights to Larry Doyle’s novel outline for a novel Go Mutants!, “a teen comedy/adventure set in a high school where all of the tropes from classic 1950s alien invasion movies came true. Years later, the children of those mutant creatures have assimilated among the other kids.”  Hopefully it’s as good as the film adaptation of Doyle’s other novel, I Love You, Beth Cooper, which is perhaps most generously described as a cinematic skid mark. |Variety|

Cher is set to play Christina Aguilera’s mentor in Burlesque, a film about “an ambitious small-town Iowa girl with a big voice who comes of age in a neo-burlesque club on Sunset Boulevard.”  So these burlesque places actually exist?  Are they like strip clubs for gay guys?  Drag shows with girls?  Anyway, I liked this when it was called Coyote Ugly.  Wait, no I didn’t. |Variety|

Kevin Lima has been hired to direct Frank, a modern retelling of Frankenstein, centering on “a teenage prodigy who’s on the cutting edge of cell research in medical school. After several unsuccessful attempts at socializing with her peers, she decides to use her scientific prowess and piece together a friend out of the med school’s instructional cadavers.”   Fingers crossed Mickey Rourke plays Frank, who’s always trying to get her to have a beer and pet his dogs.  |Empire|

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British journalists today proved once again the extraordinary lengths they’ll go to prove that they do not give a f*ck.  Via The Telegraph:

[Headline] Cher ‘to play Catwoman’ in next Batman film
[Subheadline] Cher has been lined up to star in the next Batman movie, it has been claimed.
The 62-year-old singer and actress is reported to be in talks to play Catwoman opposite Christian Bale in the third Batman film from British director Christopher Nolan. The Oscar-winner will join a cast that includes Johnny Depp as The Riddler as she plays the whip-carrying burglar.

Just so we’re clear, none of that is remotely true.  It was only ten days ago that Variety reported WB had made Chris Nolan an offer, and there’s still no word on whether he’s accepted.  Nonetheless:

A studio executive said: "Cher is Nolan’s first choice to play Catwoman. He wants to her to portray her like a vamp in her twilight years.
Filming of the new Batman instalment, provisionally entitled The Caped Crusader, is due to begin in Vancouver early next year.
"The new Catwoman will be the absolute opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry’s purring creations."

That’s right, Cher’s Catwoman will include far more barking and shitting.  "Chris Nolan is really intrigued by the grown-woman-shitting-in-a-litter-box angle, and was surprised no one had explored that yet," said the source, "He chose Cher because Cher is old, and old people have less dignity."