"DAWWWWWWWW!"

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The trailer for Prometheus, Ridley Scott’s prequel/sequel/sorta-related story to Alien is finally online. The movie stars Idris Elba, Michael F. Assbender, Guy Pearce, Noomi Rapace, and Charlize Theron, and of itself, the trailer would be pretty cool. It doesn’t tell us much beyond the fact that the sets are really big, but who doesn’t love a big set (*points to ‘TITS OR GTFO’ shirt*)?  But after Fox released no fewer than THREE teasers for the trailer (yes, trailers for a trailer, basically), I guess I expected more than a 60-second trailer where none of the shots last more than a few seconds. If Prometheus himself had made this big a deal about the gift of fire, I think humanity would’ve been like, “Jeez, asshole, we get it already, get over yourself.”

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Except for a couple great scenes near the end, Young Adult doesn’t quite work, which is excruciating to say about a film with Patton Oswalt in it. Written by Diablo Cody, directed by Jason Reitman, and starring Charlize Theron, who won an Oscar for daring to play ugly, it has all the right ingredients. Up in the Air gets better every time I watch it, there was always a solid movie in Juno once you dug through the kitschy language and rightful backlash, and it should go without saying that Patton Oswalt is the best chubby sidekick a protagonist could have. But Young Adult gets caught in an awkward middle ground, where it can’t seem to decide whether it wants to defy genre like Up in the Air or be a full-on comedic romp like Bad Santa. It’s too stereotypical to be poignant, and not enough laughs for escapism.

Charlize Theron plays Mavis Gary, a hard-drinking party girl (transitioning uneasily towards a party lady) who writes young adult fiction under a pseudonym when she’s not too hungover or watching reality TV (you’d be surprised at how many friends I have with this very occupation — I assume Diablo Cody probably does too). One day, in the middle of Kardashians and Diet Coke binge, Mavis (OH THE QUIRKY NAMES) gets an email from an ex, (BUDDY SLADE, SMALL-TOWN LEGEND) inviting her to a baby shower. Jealous of his stable life and seeming happiness, she gets it in her head that she’s going to leave Minneapolis (“the mini apple!”) with her pomeranian and mini Cooper in tow, and head back to Mercury, Minnesota to rescue her ex from his life of boring domesticity.

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Charlize Theron is a world famous actress, having starred in more than 30 films, and her career was validated when she won the Best Actress Oscar for Monster, the story of a really ugly lady. Now it turns out that Theron may have had an easier time pretending to be ugly than most people could have ever imagined. That’s right, Charlize Theron… WAS A NERD!

“I wasn’t in the popular crowd. There was a really popular girl at school and I was obsessed with her. I mean you would go to jail for that stuff today,” Theron says with a laugh. “I was in tears one day because I couldn’t sit next to her.”

Wait, what?

“I actually got a lot of the mean girl stuff from the ages of 7 to 12. I was pretty much a mess in primary school,” she admits. “But I got that out of my system by the time I got to high school and was more immune to all of that stuff.” (Via People)

And if only those bullies could see her now, they would probably throw mud in her fat, ugly face and spit in her hair like it was on fire. She’s disgusting and she makes me want to puke.

You can catch Ol’ Pukeface in the upcoming Young Adult, which opens next Friday.

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Ah, Snow White, exactly how I remembered it.

I don’t know what else you need to know about this new Snow White and the Huntsman trailer other than that it starts with an XXXTREME! close up of a raven that immediately DISINTEGRATES INTO A THOUSAND RAVENS and fades into a close-up of some knights, while a voice over asks us:

“Do you hear that? It’s the sound of battles fought and lives lost.”

And right after that, a king cuts a dude in half with a sword and he disintegrates. MAGICAL DISINTEGRATING SWORD FIGHTS! F*ck magic apples, HOW YOU LIKE THESE APPLES?

It’s not your grandma’s Snow White, it’s the Snow White you dreamed about when you were rocking out to Papa Roach. Mirror mirror, on the wall, WHICH XXXTREME SLUT IS THE SLUTTIEST OF ALL??? OOOOOH WHA-AH AH-AH!

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The cast of Snow White and the Huntsman had a panel at Comic Con this weekend and, among a few other interesting items of worth, they released the first images of the film’s characters. As you can see above, Charlize Theron is playing the Queen, a casting decision that is clearly going to alter the way two generations of males remember the classic Disney cartoon. Also revealed were Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman, Kristen Stewart as an emo Snow White, and Sam Claflin as the Prince. You may remember Claflin from his previous role as that forgettable dude in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

Of course when you think of Snow White, you think of a classical beauty, singing and rolling around with woodland creatures before she’s roofied by the mean, old queen. But not this version, at least according to Stewart.

Kristen Stewart said that the character channels thing that people are typically afraid of into a powerful, driving energy. She said this Snow White is very much the people’s leader, and that “she doesn’t let her heart cloud her mind and doesn’t let her mind get in the way” of doing what she feels she has to do. She also mentioned that mirrors – very much a part of the Snow White mythos – take on an interesting role here, as Snow White is portrayed as a character without even the concept of vanity, and she’s not even remotely self-conscious. (Via io9)

That’s good, because the last thing I think of when someone mentions Stewart is the use of a mirror. But I know you’re probably wondering the same thing I first thought – what’s up with the dwarfs, son? Oh they’re in this version and they’re played by Nick Frost, Ray Winstone, Toby Jones, Johnny Harris, Bob Hoskins, Eddie Marsdan, Brendan Gleeson and… Ian McShane. Baddest dwarf casting ever.

And you’re also probably thinking, “Hey Burnsy, you’re super hot and all, but that’s 8 dwarfs.” True. But director Rupert Sanders dropped a spoiler on the audience by admitting that one of them dies. My guess is Winehousey.

Character images after the jump. Try and guess which face Kristen Stewart makes.

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