Yesterday, a new, low quality trailer for Machete Kills started making the rounds and everyone was all excited because, “OMG LADY GAGA IS IN IT! LADY GAGA IS THE GREATEST!” But Open Road Films took the trailer down almost immediately because the scoundrels posting it on YouTube didn’t have permission. The problem with the leaked trailer is that it wasn’t complete – at least not the versions that are still peppered around YouTube – and it cuts off after the announcer excitedly yells, “ANTONIO! BANDERAS!”

Thanks to TMZ, though, we know that Carlos Estevez’s name would have been yelled also, because he plays the U.S. President and that seems like an important role. Oh, and in case you’re confused, Carlos Estevez is Charlie Sheen. I’m not sure why he chose to use his birth name for this role, but I assume it’s because it’s about a Mexican assassin and he wanted everyone to know that he has a Spanish name, too. “It made more sense when I was hammered last night, bros,” I imagine he explains it.

Enjoy the partial trailer after the jump while it still exists.

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I was going to do something a little uncharacteristic and pay Scary Movie 5 a compliment based on the new trailer. As I was watching it, I started to think, “Hey, at least it kind of seems like these guys are trying to get back to the definition of parody, unlike dipsh*ts like Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, whose idea of parody is a Paris Hilton clone saying, ‘That’s hot.’” Then five seconds into the trailer, the black guy started stealing stuff and I just said, “Oh f*ck this.”

Meanwhile, this latest installment in the franchise that hasn’t provoked an intelligent laugh in 12 years, appears to be content with just going through the motions of cheap pop culture references (“It’s Honey Boo-Boo!”) and smug celebrity self-awareness. Charlie Sheen looking into the camera and saying, “I’ve come back from worse” is like Nordberg telling Frank Drebin, “I’ll take a stab at it” and then winking at the camera. Fortunately, the Zucker Bros. relied on good comedy writing.

But look at me being all negative, when I promised y’all a trailer and a poster. Maybe you’ll enjoy it more than I did.

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Not a dream sequence, Patricia Arquette actually dresses like that in every scene

Roman Coppola Becomes the Shutterstock Fellini

(this is a longer version of a review I did for The Portland Mercury)

I first tried to watch A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III when it was on VOD. I watched about 20 minutes of it and promptly started doing chores around the house. Then I got the assignment to review it, and, out of some misplaced feeling of obligation to watch the entirety of a movie I’m assigned to review no matter how bad, I watched it again. I would not recommend doing this. No one in the film spontaneously gains the power to explode people with their minds, shown in slow motion and multiple angles, a lá The Fury. Morgan Freeman does not show up in the last five minutes to deliver some velvety monolog of pure, blinding insight. In fact, the second half of the movie is a lot like the first: more insufferable, soulless, masturbatory bullshit. On the plus side, it’s a great movie to throw on when you need to finish some housework.

Charles Swan is played by Charlie Sheen, and Charles Swan likes to daydream. He daydreams so much that he often disappears into a daydream only to disappear into a sub-daydream. Unfortunately, these daydreams are boring and so is Charles. I suspect the fact that Charles Swan is played by Roman Coppola’s childhood friend Charlie Sheen is intended to be a lot more symbolic and evocative than it actually is. I further assume Charles Swan is supposed to be some idealized idea of maleness, played by Sheen as some meta comment on our collective consciousness, because everything about him is ultra kitschy and campy and phony, entirely inhabiting some production designer’s non-period-specific art deco sepia dream, where all the women are models and the furniture designed by Roy Lichtenstein. As we learn from Charles’ psychoanalyst in the opening scene, Charles is selfish, he doesn’t listen, and he’s always thinking about sex. That’s… pretty much it. He is infomercial man. A broad, hokey caricature of a dude, a dream having dreams. Oh, and he’s all torn up about his break up with Ivana, a model who owns lots of shoes. Because women be shoppin,’ obviously. This is a movie that thinks it’s Portnoy’s Complaint when it’s barely According to Jim. And let me tell you, there isn’t much interesting about delving into the psyche of a broad, meaningless caricature. Ooh, tell us about your rich internal life, Joe Camel! Dr. Pepper 10 commercials are better satire than this.

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Roman Coppola is best known for co-writing Wes Anderson’s The Darjeeling Limited and Moonrise Kingdom, and for directing commercials, and his last feature was CQ, back in 2001. Not for nothing, he also has a righteous monobrow. Next year, he returns to features with A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, which opens February 8th, about a graphic designer who starts going nuts when his girlfriend leaves him. Charlie Sheen plays Charles Swan, Bill Murray his accountant, and Jason Schwartzman his stand-up comic best friend. Today we have a trailer (below), and…  well, it doesn’t make any f*cking sense.

Movie? What movie?  All I saw was a bunch a actors wearin’ costumes.

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Now, I don’t run about town screaming, “THIS IS THE GREATEST CGI FILM STARRING CHARLIE SHEEN AS A TALKING DOG DETECTIVE NAMED DEX DOGTECTIVE” every day, but when I do: you know I mean it. Foodfight! is the greatest CGI film starring Charlie Sheen, etc. etc., and not only the Coked-Up One, but also Chris Kattan as Polar Penguin, Wayne Brady as Daredevil Dan, Harvey Fierstein as Fat Cat Burglar, and Hilary and Haylie Duff as Sunshine Goodness and Sweet Cakes, respectively. According to the movie’s website:

FOODFIGHT! takes place in the supermarket at night when the lights go out and all the people leave. Then, magically, the grocery store transforms into a city: the boxes become buildings, the aisles turn into streets. The Chinese food aisle looks like China Town, the Italian food aisle looks like Venice, and so on.

Then out from every door of this ‘marketropolis’ comes two types of characters: ones you already know – some of the most famous characters in the world, like Mr. Clean, Charlie the Tuna, Mrs. Butterworth and more; and ones you are going to meet, and the actual stars of the movie. These include Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen), the super sleuth and head of the USDA (United Supermarket Defense Association); Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady), the world’s worst flying squirrel stuntman; the sweet and lovable Sunshine Goodness (Hilary Duff); and the villainess and seductive Lady X (Eva Longoria). They all hang out at the Copa-Banana, the hottest nightclub in town (in the produce section of course). However, all’s well until Brand X moves into town, and its evil LADY X and her minions try to take over.

The only way to stop them is…yes – A FO0DFIGHT! (Via)

If you go to the source link, you’ll notice that the website is archived. That’s because Foodfight! was supposed to come out in December 2003, around the same time as The Last Samurai, Cheaper by the Dozen, and Paycheck. It didn’t. It was pushed back to 2005. Nothing. Then, to 2009. Still bupkis, much to the delight of Chris Kattan’s nephews, who didn’t want an exclusive Foodfight! screening as their Christmas present. It was finally released in the U.S. for the first time…this week…on DVD only.

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