Charles Bronson kills hipsters.  And when you least expect it, JEFF GOLDBLUM. |via JMSalad|

MORNING LINKS

• So, uh, the Koreas is beefin’ again. |BBC|

• Warren Buffett: Communist? (no.) |Uproxx|

• Not to get too self righteous, but Perez Hilton stole our (embeddable) video with no credit to the soruce. |Retweet or Email Him (be polite, NO SLURS, PLZ)|

• Oprah’s audience is both terrifying and insane. |WarmingGlow|

• Nose-Picking USF Fan Needs No Concessions Stand. |WithLeather|

• Kanye West Feat. Jay-Z – “That’s My B*tch” (Prod. By Q-Tip) |SmokingSection|

• Dueling Wonder Woman porn parodies?  Oh yes, dueling Wonder Woman porn parodies. |GammaSquad|

• Pictured: The Wikipedia guy’s pictures are getting out of hand. |Tiff|

• Christmas lights set to Slayer music.  This gives me a hard on. |TheDailyWhat|

• This A-hole called the cops on kids selling doughnuts. As much as I can shame him, I will. |NYCBarstoolSports|

• The 10 Most Incredible Plane Landings |Buzzfeed|

• I don’t know who Jewels is, but she sucks at wearing shirts. |GorillaMask|

• Nine Myths About Thanksgiving |Gunaxin|

• Seven job ideas for Brad Childress. |HolyTaco|

• A review of Dwayne Johnson’s Faster. |ScreenJunkies|

• 50 things every guy should know how to do. |Guyism|

• Ever wonder what Twilight, Harry Potter, LOTR and Saw would look like as Disney franchises? |NextMovie|

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Charles Bronson died in 2003, but today is his birthday, and in his honor, Roger Ebert posted a nice piece about his experiences with the man on his blog.  I’d sincerely urge you to read the entire thing, but if you’re pressed for time, let us at least enjoy the passage about Charlie Bronze losing his virginity at the age of five.  The key thing to take away from this is that by comparison, you are not a man.  Not even close. 

Inexplicably, that sets Bronson talking “I’ve been trying to make it with girls for as long as I can remember,” he says. “I remember my first time. I was five and a half years old, and she was six. This was in 1928 or 1929. It happened at about the worst time in my life. We had been thrown out of our house . . .”

The house was in Ehrenfeld, known as Scooptown, and it was a company house owned by the Pennsylvania Coal and Coke Company. When the miners went out on strike, they were evicted from their homes, and the Buchinsky family went to live in the basement of a house occupied by another miner and his eight children. “This would have been the summer before I started school,” Bronson says. “I remember my father had shaved us all bald to avoid lice. Times were poor. I wore hand-me-downs. And because the kids just older than me in the family were girls, sometimes I had to wear my sisters’ hand-me-downs. I remember going to school in a dress. And my socks, when I got home sometimes I’d have to take them off and give them to my brother to wear into the mines.

“But, anyway, this was a Fourth of July picnic, and there was this girl, six years old. I gave her some strawberry pop. I gave her the pop because I didn’t want it; I had taken up chewing tobacco and I liked that better. I didn’t start smoking until I was nine. But I gave her the pop, and then we . . . hell, I never lost my virginity. I never had any virginity.” [via Ebert]

That’s right, Charles Bronson had it tougher than the boy named Sue, was having sex and chewing tobacco at age five, and was smoking by age nine.  I think my testicles just crawled back inside my abdomen to do puberty all over again, maybe this time it will take.  “I was five, and I had a mouth full of chaw. I spit a hunk of it out to go down on her, and I tell ya, it was the sweetest little six-year-old p*ssy I ever seen, before or since.  Smelled just like the fish I’d catch with my bare hands.  I remember it well because she kept complaining about my stubble…”

Oi, wakey wakey, ya cönts. It’s da Stafe eah, now isn’ Oy?  So dis is da trailah for moy new movie, Da Mechanic, donnit.  When da cönts told me about it, Oy found da concept well appealin.  Cuz wiffout a mechanic, dere’d be no one to fix da flash shoiny focken sazz wagons Oy’s always droivin round in, now is dey?  Oi, but da toype a mechanic Oy play in dis focken movie ain’t da toipe a cönt ‘oo stands round ow day shoinin ovva cönts’ sazz wagons, innit.  Roight, I play a cönt ‘oo solves problems.  Problems loike, “Oi, Stafe, dere’s a cönt standin onna dock ‘oo ain’t got enough focken speahs in ‘is leg,” or “‘elp us, Stafe, we’s got a fit bird eah ‘oo needs a knobbin.’”

An’ dat’s where da Stafe comes in, now doesn Oy?  Becos da fit birds ain’t gonna knob demselves, now is dey?  But if dey did, Oy reckon dat would make a pretty focken good movie as well, innit.  Fit Birds Knob Demselves, dey could call it.

[hat tip: /Film]

Remember that clip I posted a while back from Hausu, the Japanese film about a killer cat painting that vomits (how could you forget)?  Turns out the director, Nobuhiko Obayashi, also directed a bunch of commercials, including this one, part of a series of Japanese Charles Bronson ads for the cologne, “Mandom.”  They harken back to a simpler time, when a man could look like crinkled nutsack with a mustache and still be considered a sex symbol (oddly enough, squintiness is still in fashion — see Josh Hartnett, James Franco, Channing Tatum, etc.).

My favorite part is when he’s just hangin ‘ out, smokin’ his pipe and decides to take off his shirt and pour cologne all over himself.  Jesus, man, the guy must’ve used half the bottle.  No wonder old people smell like sh-t.

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This Japanese [of course it's Japanese] commercial was made in 1970, when Charles Bronson had already starred in classics like Once Upon a Time in the West, The Magnificent Seven, The Dirty Dozen, and The Great Escape, and was yet to star in the Death Wish series.  Charles Bronson was a total badass, maybe because, according to the New York Times, “his family was so poor that when he was 6 he was sent to school in a dress, a hand-me-down from an older sister.”  That’ll toughen you up.  Or get you free candy.  Cool either way.

He was so badass his badassery and badassitute couldn’t be confined to just one commercial.  There were at least eight of these bad boys, including one in which he catches a fish with his bare hands and another featuring him bonding with his, uh, son?  Mmm . . . mandom.

So kick back, grab a pipe, throw your shirt in the air with a flourish, and pour half a pint of cologne on your chest and back.  Now you’re ready to shoot something.  Or smell like Bigfoot’s dick.

~ robopanda