"Chill, babe. I gots this."

With Rotten Tomatoes scores currently throbbing at 97% (critics) and 98% (audience expectations), Marvel’s The Avengers is the perfect film to kick off the summer movie season this Friday. Sure, some people might argue that the summer movie season actually begins with Miley Cyrus’ LOL – also being released this Friday – but those people need to go back to singing “Achy Breaky Heart” at my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah, dammit.

Beyond The Avengers are some films that actually have us pretty excited about Hollywood’s collective IQ for once – but don’t you worry, there’s also plenty of crap coming out, too. Fortunately, this isn’t the end of the year, so I don’t have to focus on the crap just yet – I will still eventually see LOL because Vince loves watching my soul cripple – and we’re just examining the films that have the greatest potential to crash the box office this season, and put smiles back on the faces of the billionaires who only made hundreds of millions in 2011.

I’ve even taken the liberty of breaking the summer movies up into categories for your convenience (chronological list on the last page), and I am being assisted in presenting this guide by none other than Michael Bay’s pet tiger, Todd Brad.

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"Yo I ain't know what I be told, but werkin' and twerkin' ain't gettin old."

For months now, we’ve been patiently waiting and occasionally break dancing to get a glimpse of the upcoming Steven Soderbergh film, Magic Mike. We know, of course, that Magic Mike is the brain child of Channing Tatum, as the story of a male stripper who has the world at his finger tips was loosely based on his own experiences as an exotic dancer before he got caught up in this Hollyweird game.

Finally, late last night, the first trailer was released for Magic Mike, and I know it’s a little early, but let’s get the Source Awards on line 1, please. C-Tates plays Mike, the most popular stripper in the game (although Tatum is from Alabama, so I imagine that wasn’t a hard game to win), and he takes noob dick-shaker Alex Pettyfer under his oiled wings, in the same main vein as his mentor Matthew McConaughey – in what looks like the highest performance of his career.

Ultimately, this is a tale of a man looking for something more, and he is inspired by the one woman who wants him to shake his junk in her face not for money, but for love. So he has to choose between a life of endless rich, white, 20-something women begging him for sex – which is obviously a dead-on portrayal of the male stripper life – or creating his own coffee tables and settling down. It really is the classic American love story.

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"Yo I ain't know what I be told, but werkin' and twerkin' ain't gettin old."

My good friend C-Tates emailed me to ask if he could introduce two new pictures that have been released from his upcoming film, Magic Mike, which is directed by Steven Soderbergh and is based on Channing Tatum’s early years as a male stripper.

Yo girl, mark yo calendars now, cuz me n Matty M.C. Conaughey, Alex Tom Pettyfer and dat fine ass trick Olivia Newton Munn be comin’ 2 yo big screen on June 29 wit Steven Sodapops directin’ dat sh*t all like, “YO BITCHES LIGHTS CAMERA ACTION LIKE A MUTHA F*CKA!” Mad Oscar sh*t, yo.

Anyweird, yo we gots deez new pics from Magic Mike, and dis ain’t no Crissy Angel magic show, right? Dis sh*ts about male strippers, son. IT’S AN ART FORM, WHAT! An dis sh*t is bouty bouty my life, son, how I came from shakin’ my meat to make da chickenz feel heat all da way to tappin’ dat Mila Kunis ass on da SS Enterthighs. C-TATES! WHAT! Respek.

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Last month, we gave you environmentalists the heads up that the Rainforest Foundation, created and run by Sting and his wife, would be hosting its biannual fundraising concert at Carnegie Hall, with the theme “Songs from the Silver Screen”. The latest event took place on Tuesday, as Meryl Streep, Elton John, Tom Hanks, James Taylor and a gaggle of other A-listers took the stage for this important cause. But the one name that raised our partially shaved eyebrow the most was our boy, Channing Tatum.

But it turns out that C-Tates’ presence was totally justified, as he and his wife, Jenna Dewan Tatum, performed a seductive dance during Bryn Terfel’s operatic performance. They may have been there for the rainforests, but I like to think Tatum saved the rec centers… of their hearts. Especially when Tatum surprised Elton John during one of his performances.

Channing, who wore a black vest and a matching hat and pants, was grinding and bumping with Sir Elton while the 65-year-old music vet was delivering single “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”. The Rock and Roll Hall of Famer, who also donned an all-black attire, jokingly said, “It has become a custom at these shows for me to humiliate myself.” (Via Ace Show Biz)

Humiliate? How is having the hardest twerkin’, workin’, lay it down flip it and reversin’ man in S-to-the-H-O-Double-Dizzle B1ZZNA$TEE grinding on you humiliating? I’d say that’s a gosh-darned honor.

Regardless, our brother from another mother put on a hell of a show Tuesday night and we gots us some hella tight photos for u 2 peep.

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"Haha, yo what up, Earff?"

Back in 2010, it was rumored that among Channing Tatum’s next projects was a film that would be very similar in style and plot to Avatar, because of course people were going to try to rip Avatar off left and right. Sadly, nothing ever came of C-Tates in $pace, but he did go on to star in 1,100 movies since then, including two of the highest grossing movies of 2012.

Well worry not, Sci-Fi geeks, because the Wachowski siblings have Tatum targeted, along with Mila Kunis, for their latest project, Jupiter Ascending, of which the plot details are currently a mad mystery, yo.

Details on the plot setup for Jupiter Ascending continue to be kept secret by the media-shy Wachowskis. However, going off their previous work, it’s probably safe to assume the duo’s new cinematic sci-fi dish will be a mix of thought-provoking subject matter and stylized filmmaking (with some observable comic book influences on display). That doesn’t guarantee the final result will be a good movie, per se, but it should easily be as interesting and unique a work as everything the pair have produced to date. (Via Screen Rant)

Thankfully, when something is in question involving my good friend, C-Tates, I just use my communicator and I can talk to him anywhere… even in outer space…

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