Much like She Just Not That Into You, What to Expect When You’re Expecting is more an advice book without a particular narrative, so you kind of know what to expect from a movie adaptation: a bunch of half-assed rom-com tropes shot in vignettes so that the audience can enjoy the women-be-shoppin’ jokes they came for without anyone working too hard on story. Basically, another Love Actually clone with  Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez this time. But then Rob Huebel shows up with Thomas Lennon and Chris Rock to say, “I found my baby swimming in the toilet,” and it actually seemed funny for a few seconds. What to Expect When You’re Expecting starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. Had a trailer that made me laugh. I’ll never forgive you for this, Huebel.

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There’s a new, super long, nonsensical trailer out for Twelve, from director Joel Schumacher, starring Hollywood super twink Chace Crawford.  It premiered at Sundance, and though Sundance was originally supposed to be for independent, up-and-coming filmmakers, apparently it’s now for guys who made millions directing abominable Batman movies and their vanity projects starring famous people and rappers.  It’s sad, Robert Redford is probably turning over in his grave right now.

From what I can tell, Twelve is a Bret Easton Ellis-ish story (based on a 2002 Nick McDonell novel) about a drug called twelve, rich kids in their bras, über douche-nozzle PC from NYC Prep jizzing his pants, and Fiddy Cent taking some drugged-up slut to the candy shop.  The actual plot is hard to glean, so after the jump, I did the old recreate-the-plot-using-negative-reviews trick again.

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Director Joe “Cap’n Mediocrity” Johnston is currently in the process of casting for Captain America. THR reports that they’ve narrowed it to seven candidates, the most recognizable of which are John Krasinski of The Office and Chace Crawford of my Tiger Beat prison fantasies.

Those known to be on the list with Krasinski include Michael Cassidy (who appeared in”Smallvile” and who tested for the Superman movie when McG was going to direct it), Patrick Flueger (one of the stars of “The 4400″ who most recently appeared in the Tobey Maguire movie “Brothers”), Scott Porter (TV’s “Friday Night Lights”) and Mike Vogel (“Cloverfield”).

First, let’s throw out Krasinski, because he isn’t really right for the part.  People complained about the idea of casting a foreigner as Captain America, but as you can see, the problem with that is that most younger, American actors tend to be fruity wienerfaces.  I blame the Disney Channel.  Clearly, we’re in desperate need of an American Statham.

(Kenny Ortega’s Match.com profile describes him as ‘a real man’s man.’)

It looks like Variety‘s selling tickets to Frown Town today, as they report that High School Musical/This is It director Kenny Ortega will no longer be directing the remake of Footloose.  It was once set to star Zac Efron until he dropped out and was replaced by fellow fruity eyebrow guy Chace Crawford.

Insiders said Ortega wanted to make a picture with elaborately staged musical numbers at a budget of $30 million or so. Par production chief Adam Goodman wanted an edgier drama with less emphasis on the musical numbers and a budget around $25 million or less.
The disagreement continued until Ortega decided his dance with the studio had ended.

OH MY GOSH DID YOU SEE WHAT THE VARIETY WRITER DID THERE?  Anyway, I’m sad they couldn’t come to an agreement, but you try negotiating with a guy who keeps breaking into song.

I know how worried you guys were that High School Musical director Kenny Ortega’s Footloose remake wouldn’t happen after Zac Efron dropped out, but fear not!  It’s back on, with Chace Crawford in the driver’s seat.  Though “with Chace Crawford in the stirrups” might be a better metaphor.

With a more mature, edgy version of “Footloose” than the original, Paramount will likely benefit from the fact that Crawford’s “Gossip Girl” following skews a bit older than Efron’s “High School Musical” audience. [Variety]

If I was making something that was “mature” and “edgy,” I probably wouldn’t cast a guy who looks like a gay porn bottom.  Just sayin’.  And on a serious note, I don’t make it a habit to go around calling people gay, but Christ, look at this guy.  Is it any wonder we have to import all our action stars from England and Australia now?  Reached for comment, Jason Statham said, “Oy yeh, dat’s a fit bird, innit.  Oy fink oy knobbed dat cont da ovva noight onda hood a moy sazz wagon, now didn’t oy?”