This is a little game I like to play called "spot the broody love interest."

At long last, we have the trailer for Red Riding Hood, starring Amanda Seyfried in a “gothic horror reimagining” of Little Red Riding Hood, from the director of Twilight and the writer of Secret Dwarf Hooker. GRRR, WEREWOLVES AND LOVE TRIANGLES! It’s set during my favorite time period, the alternate Middle Ages where hot, smooth-faced young dudes wore lots of hair gel.

Seyfried plays Valerie, a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie’s older sister has been killed by the werewolf that prowls the dark forest surrounding their village.  As the death toll rises with each moon, Valerie begins to suspect that the werewolf could be someone she loves. [Apple]

Oh my gosh, you guys, you think the wolf will try to bang the pretty white girl? 

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"Alas, poor Yorick, I just stomped your yard, homey."

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just give it to you straight: Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke’s planned contemporary Shakespeare adaptation, Haml3t, is no longer happening.  It’s such a shame, I’ve always said that what the world really needs is more variations on Hamlet.

Here’s what we’re missing:

“It’s a modern-day film, set at a liberal-arts college where words matter [almost as much as Quidditch] — so people are careful and talk in beautiful language, and Hamlet tries to express himself through music,” Hardwicke explained.  “So, we’re using some of the cooler Shakespeare language, in a musical way. My Hamlet is like an aspiring rock star. He’s got six people that go to his performances, go to clubs and listen to him. It’s like an early Kurt Cobain.”

The idea is that Emile Hirsch’s take on the character will blend a unique mix of music, sincerity and Shakespearean prose to re-envision the 400-year-old character not as a vengeful prince, but as a credibility-sensitive indie musician attending a school like Berklee.

So yeah, that’s not happening anymore.  Such a shame, I couldn’t wait to see how the art school premise worked with the junior college dropout title (what’s the three for? is Three Six mafia writing the music?).  On the plus side, this does leave room for some of the contemporized Shakespeare adaptations I had planned.  Such as:

• Macb3th
• 3 M3rchants, 3 V3nice
• St3p Up 2 Tame the Shr3w 3D
• A Midsummer Night’s Dream: The Traps Come Alive
• Much Ado 2: Electric Boogaloo
• As U Lik3 i+
• OtHELL0 #1 mUch <3 BiGdizzD$$HolLatchABoyee 1ago IZZA BeyoTcccH

Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke’s next project is a “gothic horror reimagining” of Little Red Riding Hood (Red Riding Hood) starring Amanda Seyfried, Julie Christie, Gary Oldman, and the recently cast Lukas Haas.

David Leslie Johnson (Orphan) [SECRET DWARF HOOKER!! -Ed.] wrote the script, which is set in a medieval village haunted by a werewolf. [Variety]

But how will they update this for a contempo audience?  Will the werewolf fight vampires?  Will he embody ethnic temptation?? WILL HE HAVE CHISELED WOLF ABS????

The film is being described as a “gothic horror re-imagining” and stars Amanda Seyfried as the titular character, but a wolf isn’t the only thing she’s got to worry about– Seyfried’s character is caught in the midst of a love triangle. She’s engaged to a guy played by Max Irons, but also has a thing for Shiloh Fernandez’s character, an orphaned woodcutter. Then there’s Julie Christie as Red Riding Hood’s grandmother and Gary Oldman as Father Solomon, the guy in charge of finding and killing that pesky wolf. Haas is on board to play the village priest. [CinemaBlend]

HOORAY FOR LOVE TRIANGLES!  But let’s be honest, one of these guys has to turn out to be the werewolf.  Young girls aren’t going to watch a werewolf movie unless the hairy wolfman tries to f*ck the pretty white girl.  Well, not “f*ck” maybe, not until they’re married.  Before that, they’ll have to settle for blowing a house down.

Catherine Hardwicke made Lords of Dogtown and Thirteen, which weren’t terrible, so it might be slightly unfair to label her “the director of Twilight.”   Then again, she’s now making a Shakespeare movie with a number in the title.  You can find her on MySpace under I♥RpattZ~RIPbiLLy$hak3zzz.  And now, some sh’t that doesn’t seem real:

“It’s a modern-day film, set at a liberal-arts college where words matter — so people are careful and talk in beautiful language, and Hamlet tries to express himself through music,” Hardwicke explained recently, saying that her “Hamlet” reinterpretation will continue the filmmaker’s love affair with music [you like music? holy sh't, next you'll tell me you enjoy having fun, it's like we're soul mates!  we're the most unique people in the world!] by combining the spirit of the legendary Nirvana frontman with the Bard. “So, we’re using some of the cooler Shakespeare language, in a musical way. [My Hamlet] is like an [aspiring] rock star. He’s got six people* that go to his performances, go to clubs and listen to him. It’s like an early Kurt Cobain.”

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Hamlet got made in 2000 with Ethan Hawke, in 1990 with Mel Gibson, and in 1996 with Kenneth Branagh, so why not, let’s make another one.  With Emile Hirsch and Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke.

Ron Nyswaner, best known for penning Oscar winner “Philadelphia,” will write the script. The new “Hamlet” will center on similar themes as the original play but will be set in contemporary America. In the new version, a young man must decide whether to kill his uncle to avenge the death of his father. [THR]

Says Hardwicke, “I had a great time working with Emile on Lords of Dogtown, so when he suggested Hamlet, I was intrigued. We read the play aloud and when I heard Emile speaking Shakespeare’s amazing words, I was flooded with images. We edited the play tightly, making the words extremely accessible. In our version, we’re working hard to make Hamlet a thrilling cinematic experience – the violent, intense, and romantic scenes that happen ‘off-stage’ in the play will be shown in vivid detail.” [/Film]

To wank dismissively or not to wank… ’tis not even a question.