Casey Affleck’s Joaquin Phoenix documentary, I’m Still Here, opens next month and now it has a teaser trailer.  I must say, it seems to be taking itself rather seriously for a movie about Cleveland Steamers and cape shopping.  I don’t get it.  This whole thing seemed like a stunt from the very beginning, and the fact that there was a documentary about it seems to corroborate that.  It’s funny as a huge practical joke, so why are we still trying to sell it as some artsy, fall-from-grace documentary?  It wouldn’t have been quite as dramatic if Tony Montana had spent the second half of Scarface deciding he wanted to become a mime and rubbing his wiener against people on the subway.  Anyway, the whole trailer is narrated by the Scorsese-movie version of an Apache medicine man who tells Joaquin that he’s a “mountain-top water drop” (buttercup baby just to let me down…).

That’s you. [pointing at drops of water] Drops of water.  And you’re on top of the mountain.  A success.  But one day you start sliding down the mountain.  you think,wait a minute, I’m a mountain-top water drop.  I don’t belong in this valley, this river, this little dark ocean, with all these drops of water.  Then one day it gets hot. And you slowly evaporate into air.  Way up.  Higher than any mountain top.  Then you understand that it’s at your lowest that you’re closest to God.

If that’s true, what about the part where the water drops are covered in sh*t?  I guess I don’t understand these fancy metaphors.  However, if you listen closely during that speech, you can almost hear the sound of Terrence Howard playing the bongos.

Also, is it just me, or does Joaquin Phoenix kinda look like the pregnant Asian dude?

Matt Dentler over at Indiewire spotted these stencils in Chelsea this morning, featuring the silhouette of Joaquin Phoenix, suggesting that his Cleveland Steamer movie, I’m Still Here, has begun its guerilla marketing campaign.  It opens September 10th, and here’s some of what you can expect:

Snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating his assistants abusively and rapping badly.  Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Meanwhile, I’m Still Here director Casey Affleck is running a guerilla marketing campaign of his own by getting sued twice for sexual harassment.  Last week it was Amanda White, one of the documentary’s producers, suing for $2 million.

According to White, Affleck tried to get her to share his hotel room midway through shooting, and when she didn’t go for the idea, he “became hostile and aggressive,” sent her “abusive” text messages, and refused to pay her agreed-upon $50,000 producer fee. White also alleges that Affleck created a hostile work environment by referring to women as “cows,” talking about “his sexual exploits and those of other celebrities that he actually witnessed”, and employing prostitutes — allegedly actresses — “for his personal gratification.” [iVillage]

Today, it’s the cinematographer, suing for the same amount:

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Magnolia pictures has acquired distribution rights for Casey Affleck’s documentary, I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix, with a plan to release it September 10th, starting in limited release and going wide a week later.  Why is that awesome news?  Well, here’s what we know about it so far.  From a report of the film when it screened for buyers:

It’s far from the Joaquin Phoenix you’re used to seeing onscreen: snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating his assistants abusively and rapping badly.  Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Well now you’re speaking my language.  Non-consensual Cleveland Steamers are my favorite kind of Cleveland Steamers.  There was also this story:

Phoenix was spotted pawing through racks of clothes at Red Balls on Melrose, where he finally grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and mesh top, ducked into a dressing room – and began belting rap songs. Emerging in his new outfit, he told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home. Nervous, she asked: “What form of payment will you be using today, sir?”… then nearly jumped out of her skin when Phoenix banged down a wad of cash and yelled: “MONEY!”

That was the sales girl’s fault.  You see a guy in a cape and a mesh t-shirt, just assume he’s paying in cash, trust me.  In another funny twist (well, maybe not funny “ha ha”), Magnolia is the same company that put out Two Lovers, the movie Phoenix was supposed to be promoting when he was sticking his gum under Letterman’s desk, for which he took heavy criticism.

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I didn’t think it was going to get much better than Joaquin Phoenix buying a velvet cape and rapping in a dressing room, but since I first reported Casey Affleck shopping around his documentary last week, some additional details have emerged.   All I can say is, “Holy crap.”  And I do mean that semi-literally, because human feces appears to be involved.  Pop a squat on my chest, LA Times:

While some were apparently interested in bidding for “I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix‘s” distribution rights, the shoppers left the screening perhaps even more mystified by Phoenix’s behavior than when they walked in.

It’s far from the Joaquin Phoenix you’re used to seeing onscreen: snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating his assistants abusively and rapping badly.

Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Wow.  I’m not thrilled about the pretentious is-it-real-or-is-it-not open narrative (it can be done, but a lot of the time it just feels like a lazy director couldn’t choose a take on the material, a la JCVD), but also keep in mind that this confusion is being expressed by Hollywood people, who couldn’t recognize brilliance if it crapped on their chest while they were sleeping.  Am I saying I think this is going to be good?  No.  I don’t know.  But I think a Cleveland Steamer scene, oral sex, and cocaine will sure help the medicine go down. I guess I’m just old fashioned like that.

It seems like it’s been forever since the world was all abuzz with news of Joaquin Phoenix’s Andy Kaufmanesque rap career.  The last time he came up was in August, when he was reportedly spotted buying a velvet cape and rapping in a dressing room, and when the salesgirl asked what form of payment he’d be using, he “banged down a wad of cash and yelled: ‘MONEY!’” (I love that story).

ANYWAY, today’s news is that Casey Affleck has reportedly finished his documentary about it, and is shopping it around town.  Drop that beat, Deadline:

I’m told that the film made its debut in a private lunchtime screening at WME headquarters last week for buyers — including Harvey Weinstein – who were sworn to secrecy. WME is selling the film, and it may only take a couple of days to reach a deal. I hear the agency and the distributors intend to keep the mock’s content under wraps for as long as they can for maximum shock value.  Presumably, the film answers Hollywood’s bewilderment about whether Joaquin was serious about quitting acting – or whether he was just, well, acting.

The leaving the tags on his shirt, the falling off the stage, the putting gum under Letterman’s desk… I’m pretty sure he was acting, dudes.  Then again, you might say I’m overly inclined to disbelieve people I find ridiculous, to the point of assuming they’re fictional characters.  Up until a few weeks ago, I was convinced Colin Hanks was just two 8-year-olds in a trench coat.