THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON SLUTS, OOH WAH-AH AAH AAH!

Universal has just released the first full-length trailer for 5 Fast 5 Furious, the latest installment of The Franchise That P-Walks Built. This time around, we catch up with the crew in Brazil, and the gang’s all here:  Vin Diesel, Professor Cardboard, a model shaking her lustrous locks out of a motorcycle helmet, a couple of rappers, an Asian guy — it’s like the hottest hip-hop-themed stock photo catalog/shampoo commercial of the summer!  “You guys will never believe this, but I have a plan that involves cars.” “OH HELL NAW!”

Oh, and did I mention The Rock is in this one?  WRESTLING! BICEPS! CAR PORN! SLUTS! LISTEN UP, SMART GUY!  DO YOU LIKE PARKOUR?  BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR… CARKOUR! TICK TICK TICK…. BASE JUMPING!

And then after a People’s Elbow or two, Tyrese shows up to deliver what’s apparently the film’s signature line: “This just went from Mission Impossible to mission In-Freakin-Sanity.”  Sure did, homie, you better make like a tree and get the hell out of there.
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Merry Ludacristmas, motherf*ckers, 5 Fast 5 Furious has a trailer.  Walker, Diesel, and Tyrese are back, teaming up with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Ludacris, and probably a couple random sluts for the disappointingly-named 5i5th installment of the series, Fast Five.  Hijacking moving trucks?  Nah, son. This time we TOWIN’ HUGE BANK SAFES WITH OUR CARS!  HIT THE N0S! PUT ON THE GROUND EFFECTS!  IT’S TIME FOR CAR PORN AND PARKOUR!  OOH WHA AH AH-AH, CARKOUR!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!  (SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH, MOSTLY ATTACHED TO THE BACKS OF CARS TO MAKE THEM GO FASTER)

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This is a screencap from the latest 2012 clip to hit the web (watch it below).  The great thing about Roland Emmerich is that even within scenes of carnage on a global scale, he doesn’t forget the little things. “Oh my God, the western seaboard is on fire and falling into the ocean!  AND MY SHOE’S UNTIED!”

He also doesn’t seem to care how blatant his product placement is.  Not only is there this closeup of the Bentley logo, it’s accompanied by a “ting!” sound effect like it’s the tooth sparkle in an old Colgate ad.  “Hooray, save us from disaster, magic car!”

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This is the first full-length trailer for Black Lightning, which has way less black people in it than Black Dynamite.  Produced by Wanted‘s Timur Blackmambatov and directed by Alexandr Voitinsky and Dmitriy Kiselev, it looks pretty good for a reported $8 million budget.  The trailer is in Russian without subtitles, but from the looks of it, the plot’s pretty close to Transformers.  The main guy, we’ll call him Shia LaBovnik, sees a hot girl.  Naturally, he wants to impress her by having an awesome car, but his dad buys him old sh-tbox instead, probably because he’s poor.  Luckily, the sh-tbox turns out to be magic, and when the fight between good and evil comes to Earth, the hottie will be glad she chose the doofus with the magic sh-tbox and not the first greasy stud to roll down her block in an IROC like my mom did.  Then there’s a lot of flying and magic and yelling and explosions.  And as the trailer ended, Michael Bay stood up to give an impassioned speech about how if he can change, and you can change, we all can change, and then he pulled up Megan Fox’s skirt to flash everybody and everyone cheered.

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As I reported a few minutes ago, Nu Image/Millenium is making Rambo 5 about Rambo tracking down some kidnappers. Not to be outdone (by themselves!), Nu Image/Millenium is also making a movie about Nic Cage tracking down some kidnappers.  “…what I do have is a particular set of skills, and the most ridiculous haircut in the world.”

Nic Cage has signed to star in “Drive Angry,” a 3D revenge action movie that Patrick Lussier will direct for Nu Image/Millenium Films.  [See also: "Don't drive angry.."]

Patrick Lussier is the guy who did My Bloody Valentine 3-D, so you can bet this will be a real think-piece about dyslexic Holocaust victims. 

Written by Lussier and Todd Farmer, the story centers on a man (Cage) driven by rage who is chasing the people who killed his daughter and kidnapped her baby. The vendetta/rescue spins out of control as the chase gets bloodier by the mile, leaving bodies strewn along the highway. [THR]

So Nic Cage drives a car, you see, while being driven himself by rage.  It’s like a meta French Connection, a Ronin set within the architecture of the human mind set within a giant forehead.  Though I’m not sure if Nic Cage will be able to pull off screaming and being agitated, it seems like such a “stretch.”  (*wank motion*)