This video of Don Cheadle playing a sociopathic, unhinged version of Captain Planet is easily the best thing I’ve seen from Funny or Die in months, for reasons not the least of which being that they made the ‘Heart’ ring guy borderline retarded, just like I always imagined him. Just like the ‘Culture’ guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Jesus, remember when that was the biggest thing around?).

But while we’re enjoying this, let’s not forget that they’re actually making a Captain Planet movie.

“The messages of Captain Planet are even more relevant today,” said Snyder. “We feel this team can bring the world’s first eco-hero to life in a powerful motion picture that is not only pertinent but entertaining.”
“We are extremely excited about bringing the good Captain back to life,” said Murphy. “His adventures are known worldwide and he is recognized across generations.”

Oh I remember Captain Planet, alright. I also remember girls in painted overalls, the AIDS scare, and Richard Grieco. But if you saw Avatar and thought, “You know what this could use? Less nuance.” Then I’m sure this is the film for you.

That said, if it has Don Cheadle calling people “dickhole,” I’m there.

Cartoon Network announced today that they’ll be teaming up with Angry Film Works to produce a live-action feature film version of Captain Planet. Considering there are people out there trying to turn a View-Master toy and Bazooka Joe into feature films, it’s not really all that surprising. My only question is who’s going to play “heart.” Fire, Water, Wind, Air, and… Heart. Poor Heart. If he was an X-Man, his mutation would be making sandwiches.

In an effort to inform younger viewers about serious environmental issues, legendary cable entrepreneur Ted Turner partnered with DIC Enterprises in 1990 to create the world’s first animated environmental series, Captain Planet and the Planeteers. The series was about a group of young people who combine their special powers (The Planeteers) to summon Captain Planet, an environmental superhero, to battle the world’s worst eco-villains. [From the press release, via ComingSoon]

The Planeteers consisted of Kwame (Earth), from Africa, Wheeler (Fire), from Brooklyn, Linka (Wind), from Russia, Gi (Water), from Asia, and Ma-Ti (Heart), a Brazilian raised by a shaman. Yes, this was the most politically-correct kids show of all time (except for CP’s legit mullet, which influenced a generation of Floridians). Here’s just a short bit from Wikipedia:

“Gi is a self-proclaimed marine biologist and fights against the evils of saline incursion into island chains such as the Maldives. Her compassion for sea life contributes to the overall effort of the Planeteers’ protection of animals, becoming extremely emotional when pollution affects them, especially dolphins.”

“Ma-Ti uses the power of Heart to instill caring, passion, and sympathy into the people of the world to care for the planet. He can also use this power to communicate with animals telepathically.”

Meanwhile, the only American one is a hothead, and “is shown to be the least knowledgeable about earth preservation.” Jesus, man, there’s going to be enough material here to fuel six more Sarah Palin documentaries. Not to mention the inevitable right-wing funded response cartoon, Skipper, about the talking horse who helps Ronald Reagan defeat Communism and prove global warming is caused by Mexicans. Frankly, I’d rather watch Ted Turner and Rupert Murdoch try to gum each other to death, Thunderdome-style.