Hasbro and Universal: A Match Made in Candy Hell

There’s a really interesting story over at NY Mag about the colossal failure of the partnership between Hasbro and Universal. The whole thing is definitely worth a read if you want to see people get torn apart for blowing mountains of money on movies about Stretch Armstrong, Battleship, Candy Land, and Ouija boards, but I’ve picked out a few highlights for you.

Signed in 2008, the pact originally anticipated a far-less-costly moviemaking world in which movie stars wouldn’t be the attraction, brands would. And yet: Candy Land has now been scooped up by another studio not because of the inherent attraction of the board game, but precisely because it would make a good vehicle for a big star.

Again, that star is Adam Sandler. If I were a betting man, I would put most of my fingers and toes on the fact that this will make Burnsy’s list of worst movies of the year. Provided you know a bookie who accepts fingers and toes as payment. I’m good for it, I SWEAR! [hides stumps behind back]

Read the rest of this entry »

Collider recently got the chance to talk to Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, the guy behind the idea to make movies out of boardgames. Put on your helmets, because it’s about to get stupid.  (*record scratch*)

“’Candy Land’ is not just about the board game.  If you really think about it, it’s an adventure that a kid goes on with his parents when they go across that board.”

F-ck yourself.

“’Monopoly’ has this wonderful history.  If you’ll remember, “Monopoly” was literally invented at The [Great] Depression, so that idea, this fiction that’s really there, this non-fiction fiction that’s really there in the game and in the fact that there’s such great roots to this brand and the history of the brand, we bring this to life with a story about families.”

F-ck yourself.

“Well Ridley did have an idea.  He grew up on “Monopoly” over in the UK and “Monopoly” is a brand that’s all over the world.  But for Ridley, he’s always been a guy that’s created these great big worlds and so for us, “Monopoly” is this great big world that will look like our world but of course there are certain things about it that make it uniquely a “Monopoly” kind-of-world.”

F-ck yourself.

“Oh, I’m not going to tell you quite yet but I will say that it’s everything you could imagine in a “Battleship” movie.  It’s really a phenomenal idea.” [via Collider, who also has the video]

The man is a geyser of stupid.

^{Formula for diversity: Two whites, a black and an Asian. What did Mexicans ever to do you, Milton Bradley?}

If you didn’t think someone could come up with an idea infinitely more stupid than an Ouija Board movie, you obviously aren’t reading enough Hollywood news.

Universal Pictures is sweet on “Candy Land.” Studio has set Etan Cohen [Tropic Thunder] to write and Kevin Lima [Enchanted] to direct a live-action feature based on the enduring Hasbro board game.  The tyke-friendly board game isn’t as obvious an inspiration for a movie project as those other Hasbro brands, but the studio has tapped talent adept at comedy and family fare. [Variety]

It’s not an obvious inspiration for a movie because it’s just Sorry with f-cking candy painted on the board.  And not even good candy either, it’s like some shit people like in Victorian England ate, like yeast-filled prunes and marmalade-covered gelatine.  Do you know how f-cking poor you have to be to enjoy Candy Land?  Look, kids, pictures of candy!  Now let’s all close our eyes and pretend this dead cat is a nice warm fire!  Which pack of mongoloids decided that anything popular could be a movie?  Why not Ovaltine the movie, or Febreze?  Wait, did you just write that down?  Come back here!