The Coen Brothers are currently writing a remake of Gambit, which is sadly not another X-Men spinoff, but a remake of a 1966 Michael Caine/Shirley McClaine film set to be directed by The Last Station‘s Michael Hoffman.  The last time the Coens wrote a movie they didn’t direct was 1985′s Crimewave for Sam Raimi (unless you count Ethan’s co-writing credit on The Naked Man, about a wrestling chiropractor played by Michael Rapaport.

Aaaanyway, Gambit is set to star Colin Firth, and now, Deadline reports, Cameron Diaz has hopped aboard.

Firth plays a London art curator who plans to con a wealthy collector into buying a phony Monet painting. He enlists a Texas steer roper (Diaz) to pose as a woman whose grandfather liberated the painting at the end of WWII. [Deadline]

Normally I don’t find Cameron Diaz’ acting terribly distracting, and since it’s quite possible that I too will be old one day (the jury’s still out, really), it doesn’t feel right to rip on her for being old.  However, I will say that there comes a time when you probably shouldn’t be playing the fresh-faced new secretary anymore, and that time is right around your 37th birthday.  I don’t know if that means she should be playing a Texas steer roper, but at least she isn’t playing a “precocious young steer roper.”   She doesn’t seem very country, but compared to Gwyneth Paltrow, Cameron Diaz is Richard Petty.

Sidenote: If you turn off the lights and say those three names three times into a mirror, a demon will spit tobacco juice in your latte.

The Green Hornet trailer is online now, and… I don’t know.  I’m underwhelmed.  The plan was for Seth Rogen and Michel Gondry to do a comedic, possibly weird take on The Green Hornet (yes, please).  Rumor had it the studio wasn’t thrilled with what they were seeing, and their decision to convert it to 3D hints at them wanting to turn it into a generic action “tentpole” (still hate that word).  But at this point we can only speculate.  Tone-wise, the trailer makes it look somewhere between Kick-Ass and Iron Man.  Actually, with them driving around in the Hornet mobile the whole time, it makes it feel a lot like Kick-Ass, just not as exciting or awesomely violent.

Also, what is with Cameron Diaz playing the “young, hot secretary?”  I don’t like to bag on girls for their looks because I realize I’m no prize hunk of d*ck myself, but Jesus, bitch, you’re 37.  Not that she’s looks bad, but she was cute and pretty when she was 25 — now it’s time to find a skill.  But congratulations on kicking that drug habit.  At least, that’s what I’d assume of a new secretary at the local paper who’s 37.  Meanwhile, Christoph Waltz is in this movie, but barely gets two seconds of screen time. That’s a mistake.  Having Christoph Waltz in your movie only to not show him is like taking a really hot chick with huge boobs and shaving off all her hair and dressing her like a dude.   I don’t remember where I was going with this, but now I have a boner.

Doing a comedic take on The Green Hornet with Seth Rogen starring and Michel Gondry directing seems like a wacky idea, but also seems like the best way to go with a campy property that no one under 50 remembers.  These official pictures and synopsis (trailer supposedly coming later tonight) are the first we’ve heard about it since rumors (later denied) that Sony was unhappy with it, and the subsequent announcement that the release had been pushed back a month to January, and that it’d be in 3D. Phew, that’s way more words than I wanted to type about this.  Here’s the  synopsis:

Britt Reid (Rogen) is the son of LA’s most prominent and respected media magnate and perfectly happy to maintain a directionless existence on the party scene — until his father mysteriously dies, leaving Britt his vast media empire. Striking an unlikely friendship with one of his father’s more industrious and inventive [read: "Asian"] employees, Kato (Jay Chou), they see their chance to do something meaningful for the first time in their lives: fight crime. But in order to do this, they decide to become criminals themselves — protecting the law by breaking it, Britt becomes the vigilante The Green Hornet as he and Kato hit the streets.
Using all his ingenuity and skill, Kato builds the ultimate in advanced retro weaponry, The Black Beauty, an indestructible car equal parts firepower and horsepower. Rolling in a mobile fortress on wheels and striking the bad guys with Kato’s clever gadgets, The Green Hornet and Kato quickly start making a name for themselves, and with the help of Britt’s new secretary, Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) [Uh... new?], they begin hunting down the man who controls LA’s gritty underworld: Benjamin Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz). But Chudnofsky has plans of his own: to swat down The Green Hornet once and for all.

Whoa, whoa, slow down.  So you’re saying Seth Rogen plays a man-child?  Look, just tell me Christoph Waltz does Der Humpink dance and I’ll be there.

Here’s another one of these faux-candid “viral” videos of Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise on the set of Knight and Day.  It’s newsworthy only in the sense that 20th Century Fox has been sending these out, and I only post it because it confounds me in every way.  Seriously, what in the f*ck is this? It’s so poorly conceived and executed and so pointless on every level that it might as well be one of those Mary Worth comic strips where two ladies stand in the backyard talking about stamps. The only thing I can figure is that they’re just making these to piss me off.

Let me see if I can identify what they were going for in this: you have an imaginary crew member, who for some reason was filming a fellow crew member while he puts a camera lens into a box.  We’re to believe that this guy, who presumably works in the camera department of a big Hollywood film, can’t shoot video without turning his camera 90 degrees clockwise for no apparent reason.  This person then captures, COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz playing soccer.  And here’s the kicker (Get it? kicker?  soccer?  I hate my life), THEY’RE REALLY GOOD.  Oh my gosh, people will say, I wasn’t planning on seeing this retarded hunk of sh*t movie BEFORE, but now that I know that CAMERON DIAZ AND TOM CRUISE ARE SURPRISINGLY GOOD AT SOCCER, I am powerless to resist such fascinating and candid Hollywood star power!  THANK YOU, MY MOM’S FRIEND WHO SENDS OUT EMAIL CHAIN LETTERS, WHAT WOULD I EVER DO WITHOUT YOU????

BUT WHAT OF THE DANCING CGI BABIES?!  I DEMAND THEM AT ONCE!!  I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE FILM UNLESS IT INVOLVES ELF BOWLING AND BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS!!  HOW WILL I KNOW YOUR MOVIE IS WORTHWHILE IF IT DOES NOT CAPITALIZE ON RECENT TRENDS??!! CALL THE WICHITA BRANCH! SET UP A BRAINSTORMING POWER POINT AT ONCE!

20th Century Fox just released this new, extended trailer for Knight and Day, and it’s 3-minutes of star-studded, heart-pounding, bullfighting, butt-clenching, glib-mugging, motorcycle-riding, ;lkjad;lajkfsuiikh9y823908op… …….  Crap, sorry, I must’ve fallen asleep for a second there.  Anyway, if I take anything from this trailer, it’s that Cameron Diaz’s character’s name is “June.”

“June? You need to come with us, June.  Oh hey, June.  June.  June?  Look out June! June; June?!  Just a second while I fight this bull, June.  June.”

Bang bang car chase one-liner SPLOOGE