Just when I thought this new Burlesque trailer had appealing to gay men down to a science — singin! Dancin! Drama! Cher! — boom, cinematic poison Cam Gigandet shows up.  He spends most of the trailer wearing a bowler hat, like somebody went out to the forest and kidnapped the ugliest sloth they could find and forced him to play A Clockwork Orange.  Anyway, if I can force myself to see beyond that hideously deformed river troll for a few seconds, and that means supressing my gag reflex, the plot is that Christina Aguilera comes to LA with just the clothes on her back and a dream, a dream that she would one day do softcore strip shows at one of those burlesque clubs that will be all the rage for the next six months.  But then Cher is all, “You think any super pretty girl with blonde hair a big boobs can just barge in here and get up onstage and dance, just because she’s got a Grammy nominated voice?  Please!  This is burlesque!  You wanna act like a bimbo you can take your ass back to Coyote Ugly!  NOW LEMME SEE YOUR JAZZ HANDS!  TEXAS?! ONLY STEERS AND QUEERS FROM TEXAS! NOW CHOKE YOURSELF!   AAAHHHHHH!”

Or something like that.  Anyway, musicals aren’t really my thing, but this one seems like it will be a lot better than Nine, mainly because it actually looks like a musical and not a perfume commercial.

DURRRRRRRR

If you read about movies at all, you’ll often hear about movies that weren’t screened for critics.  There are a lot of complicated explanations for why they’ll do this, but they’re all bullsh*t because it’s very simple: if a studio is embarrassed and knows their movie sucks, they’ll hide it from anyone who can warn others about it.  The flipside to that is that when a studio is proud of a movie, they’ll show it to everyone they can to build word of mouth.  Which is why it speaks well of Will Gluck’s high school scarlet-letter comedy Easy A that the studio would put the first 10 minutes up on MySpace.  The last few movies to do that that I can remember were The Other Guys (funny), Get Him to the Greek (also funny), and Dark Knight (duh).

At the very least, Emma Stone seems as likable as she is cute.  Could it be that Easy A is a member of that now exceedingly rare  breed, the clever high school movie?  Or that even rarer breed, the female-led, clever high school movie?  I’d love to find out and report back to you, but unfortunately Cam Gigandet is in this, and I’d rather staple my nuts to helicopter rotor than have to stare at that god-forsaken gremlin-faced mongoloid for a single second.  But if you guys can stand it, by all means, give this one a shot.

Courtesy of Crackle, it’s the first trailer for Priest, based on the graphic novel, directed by Legion‘s Scott Charles Stewart.  Said Stewart, “HURRR, I have three first names.”

Paul Bettany plays the lead, a member of an ancient order of clergy who have dedicated their lives to keeping the world safe from vampires.  That is, until the day he takes his shirt off and gets… sexcommunicated.   After that, it’s all EPIC OPERA GASP CHOIRS and CRUCIFIX NINJA STARS — what else would you expect from a movie about a priest who fights vampires?  It goes on like that for a while when– MOTHER OF GOD, WAS THAT CAM GIGANDET?!?  (*cowers behind crucifix, throws laptop in holy water*)

Olivia Munn warms her hands over the crotch heat generated by Paul Bettany's shirtless torso

(*Nicaraguan maid crosses herself, muttering*) El diablo, el diablo, ay dios mio….

Easy A stars Superbad/Zombieland’s Emma Stone and comes from director Will Gluck, previously of Fired Up and The John Larroquette Show.  As the trailer begins, we learn that Emma Stone’s character isn’t very popular, because she tells us she isn’t very popular, and because someone comes along and knocks all her books and sh*t on the ground.  According to movies, being unpopular means always having to pick your sh*t up off the floor.

But this is a high school movie, and the unpopular kid never stays unpopular.  Much like women and the blacks, they never seem to know their place. So right after Amanda Bynes (who seems to have acquired a mean case of pumpkin head) pretends not to remember her name, Emma Stone pretends to have sex with her gay friend at a party.  And then they both become popular.  Only some of the other unpopular dudes hear about it, and start hiring Emma Stone to pretend have sex with them, so that they too can stop getting picked on.  Emma Stone’s fake vagina is like Clearasil and Slim Fast all in one.  Then they read The Scarlet Letter in English class and the bitchy popular girls tell Emma Stone she should wear an A like Hester Prynne, and so she does.  Then Cam Gigandet shows up and I don’t know what happens after that because I screamed “F*CK!” and threw my laptop out the window.

The stars of Twilight Saga: New Moon showed up to a special event in Hollywood last night, and predictably they were hit with the banshee wail of a thousand screaming teenage girls.  As you can see after the jump, it’s terrifying, like an icy wind from the realm of loneliness and conformity that chills the blood and smells of cat fur. But it wasn’t all bad, as the AP soon misidentified a guy at the podium as Cam Gigandet.  Haha, you idiots, that’s Kellen Lutz.  Oh God why do I know that I hate my job.

Read the rest of this entry »