I’ve often said of Cam Gigandet that I’d rather staple my scrotum to a moving helicopter rotor than have to stare at that goblin-faced baboon for a single second, but once again my pleas have been ignored. Gigandet has been hired to star in Rich Johnson a comedy about… wait for it… a man arguing with his own personified penis. Get it? “Rich Johnson?” I mean, it’s pretty subtle.

“Twilight” thesp Cam Gigandet and comedian Nick Thune (right) are set to star in the raunchy indie comedy “Johnson,” which is a co-production between 2DS Prods. and Roman’s Empire.

Huck Botko (“The Virginity Hit”) is directing from a script by Jeff Tetreault.

Gigandet will play Rich Johnson, a charismatic womanizer who receives his comeuppance after his penis mysteriously leaves his body and takes human form (Thune). Stripped of his manhood and pitted against his alter ego, protag must find a way to get his johnson back while learning how to be a better man in the process. [Variety]

If there’s one role that Cam Gigandet was born to play, it’s talking penis. Is that supposed to be the joke, casting him against type like this?

On May 1st, SEAL Team 6 famously dropped into Pakistan, shot Osama, and left before anyone there even knew what was going on like total badasses, which I celebrated by putting on my stars and stripes speedo and shooting pistols in the air like Yosemite Sam while playing My Country ‘Tis of Thee on the Jew’s Harp. Operation Neptune Spear in Abbottobad seemed like a slam dunk for a movie adaptation, which is why people were scrambling to put one together pretty much literally the day after it happened. Apparently they scrambled too fast, because now it has Cam Gigandet in it.

Anson Mount, Cam Gigandet, Freddy Rodriguez and Bill Fichtner round out of the cast of “Code Name: Geronimo,” John Stockwell’s [Turistas, Blue Crush] actioner about Osama bin Laden’s killing.
Mount stars as an agile and assured member [hee hee, 'agile member'!] of SEAL Team Six. Kathleen Robertson is portraying an eager CIA case officer dedicated to her job. Geronimo was the code name for the operation that sent two teams of Navy SEALs into Pakistan to hunt and kill bin Laden.

Here’s the explanation for the contradictory operation names, in case you’re interested.

Shooting began this week in New Mexico.
Others cast as SEALS are Robert Knepper, Xzibit and Kenneth Miller while Fichtner, Robertson and Eddie Kaye Thomas are playing the CIA officers. [variety]

This is yet another sad attempt by liberal Hollywood to minimize the awesomeness of shooting a terrorist in the face by casting a dog-faced gollum as one of the heroes. You wouldn’t cast that big-toothed kid from Super 8 as Martin Luther King, would you? No. This is terrible. Cam Gigandet should only be allowed to play the villain in breakdance movies.

Meanwhile, reached for comment, Xzibit said, “Yo, dawg, we should cast Seal as a SEAL so we can croon while we platoon. We can compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey while we helicopter into Pakistan on raid. We ain’t never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy.”

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NOOOOO, SOMEONE HELP THAT BABY! NOW THAT THE SCENT IS ON HIM HIS MOTHER WILL NEVER TAKE HIM BACK!

A new brief from The Tracking Report says that the producers of the Point Break remake have their eyes on two possible leads, one being Cam Gigandet. So far these reports are just based on preliminary discussions, and it’s too early to tell if anything will actually come of them. But, tentatively speaking, AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH (*fires gun up in the air*) UUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH (*click, click, click*) ….UUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. (*jumps out airplane with no parachute*)

Two new actors have had their names tentatively connected [Editor's Note: Connected by whom? It's hard to know what this even means.] to the much talked about POINT BREAK (REMAKE). Cam Gigandet, a young thesp on the rise, was last seen in “Priest”, “Burlesque”, and “Easy A” after his breakout role in “Twilight”. Daniel Henney is the other rumored contender, last seen in the comic book explosion celebration “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”. “Point Break” is a remake of the classic action thriller of the same title, originally starring Patrick Swayze as the leader of a group of surfing bank robbers and Keanu Reeves as the undercover FBI agent tasked with bringing him down.

Well that’s certainly an interesting decision. The original starred Keanu Reeves, who maybe wasn’t the greatest actor in the world (I! WALK! AWAY!), but was certainly easy on the eyes — smooth and inoffensive like the Polynesian breeze after which he was named. In considering Cam Gigandet, the producers seem to be taking the opposite approach, where they cast a drooling, goblin-faced shaved hyena whose revolting attempts to imitate human speech and behavior invoke Gollum-like terror and nausea in all but the hardiest viewer. It must be some kind of Human Centipede thing.  Last time I accidentally watched a Cam Gigandet trailer, I threw my laptop out a plate glass window and a Dominican lady walked through the coffee shop muttering prayers and sprinkling everyone with holy water. I’m not even religious, but you can never be too careful. There are no atheists in a Cam Gigandet movie screening, I always say.

DANCE OFF!

Joel Schumacher, the man who put nipples on the bat suit, is back, coming off a film which rated 4% on Rottentomatoes and earned less than a million dollars (and before that was The Number 23, which rated 8%).  But he’s got a surefire plan to resurrect his career: NIC CAGE! In Trespass, whose trailer is below, Cage and Nicole Kidman play a rich couple whose house gets invaded by robbers like in Panic Room, but then some other stuff happens to make it different probably. And then Nic Cage is all, “If it’s money you’re after, I can tell you that I have none. What I do have is a big weird forehead and grating voice that make me a nightmare for people like you, people with eyes and ears.”

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"Well hello there. I couldn't help noticing you noticing my tiny hat."

I won’t insult myself and you by calling this an “exclusive” but it did come from a couple tipsters and I haven’t seen it reported elsewhere, so there you go.  Apparently Priest, a graphic-novel-based film which tells the story of “a legendary warrior priest from the last Vampire War who”– oh God I’m dismissively wanking already, recently screened for Sony employees in an event hosted by Screen Gems head Clint Culpepper. The film stars Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, and FilmDrunk favorite Cam Gigandet. Apparently, at the post-screening Q & A, so many audience members began their questions by ripping on Cam Gigandet, that it prompted Culpepper to actually stop and say:

“OK, I get it, you guys don’t like Cam Gigandet.”

Oh sure, NOW he gets it.  Meanwhile, Gigandet had this to say about Culpepper in a recent interview:

Priest brings you back into the Sony/Screen Gems fold once again, working with Clint Culpepper — who made quite the impact at the WonderCon footage screening, shouting his support from the audience.
He’s a character, and a genius. He’s a huge fan. An actual studio head sitting there amongst the fans, screaming at the top of his lungs.

How did you come to develop such a close working relationship with him? You’ve worked together a lot in the past few years.
We’ve worked together many times. I don’t know why Clint keeps hiring me, but he does and I am eternally grateful. Even when we first met I believe I was 45 minutes late for a meeting. Me and my fiancée at the time were having a baby and I had my ultrasound, so I’m carrying this ultrasound the first time we’re meeting, I’m late, I’m sweating all over the place, he’s talking to me, and I had no idea who he was at first. I was like, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk — I’m late for a meeting!” Then I realized it was Clint Culpepper, and he was like, “Come on in!” And ever since it’s kind of been that kind of relationship. It’s never been pressured, it’s never been business. We’re just there because we love working with each other.

Aw, a friggin’ ultrasound?  I admit it, I feel a little bad about stoking the fires of Cam Gigandet hatred all these years.  I confess I was always being at least 10% facetious when I was ripping on him, and it takes a big man to admit that, I don’t mind telling you.  Poor guy, it’s probably not his fault that he reminds me of a non-porn parody of Evan Stone.