The only new movies opening in wide release over the weekend were Punisher: War Zone and Cadillac Records, which finished at numbers eight and nine, respectively (full top ten below).  Hopefully they’ll just keep rebooting the Punisher franchise until they get it right – hey, I hear Will Smith’s son is available.  Oh yeah, and that godawful abortion Four Christmases landed in the top spot for the second week in a row.  First Fred Claus, now this.  Congratulations, America, you’ve made it possible for Vince Vaughn to make one shitty movie a year at Christmas time and dick around the other 11 months.  Which is great for Vince Vaughn and the manufacturers of home pregnancy and STD tests, but bad for we the viewers.  All I want for Christmas is good Vince Vaughn movies, and to not get STDs. Is that so much to ask?  Please, just say no to Christmas movies.  And PCP.

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Adrien Brody, who won a special place in my heart for dipping Halle Berry and making out with her after winning his Oscar in 2002 (which clearly should’ve gone to Daniel Day-Lewis as Bill the Butcher), is back to his old ways.  And by his old ways, I mean seizing every opportunity to make out with black chicks.  This time, Beyoncé.

Adrien Brody (Leonard Chess in the movie) admitted during the premiere of Cadillac Records on Monday that making out and rolling around on the ground with Beyoncé, Etta James in the movie, wasn’t part of the script, nor was it historically accurate, but no one complained.

“Let’s just say it wasn’t a deal breaker,” Brody said.  “When I met Etta [the real one], she told me, ‘Leonard and I did not do those things!’  So, yes, it was somewhat embellished.  But what’s wonderful is the truth Beyoncé brings to that moment.  That justified it.” [NYDailyNews]

Brody continued heaping praise upon his co-star, saying, “What can I say, man, those titties don’t lie!  How you gon’ hate a nigga for tryin ta get a piece? A-Brode love him some dark meat.”  Okay, not really.  You’ll never believe this, but I actually just made that last part up.  Still, you have to respect a gawky ass dude like Adrien Brody taking his fame as an opportunity to strong arm every chick that comes near him.  That’s what I’d do.  I’d also probably make fog horn sounds when I grabbed her boobs.  Because I’m all man, ladies.

[more pictures @ TheBlemish]

^{Uh, I’m here for the gangbang?}

Cadillac Records just released a trailer.  The story of Chess Records, it features Beyoncé as Etta James, Adrien Brody as Leonard Chess, Jeffrey Wright as Muddy Waters, and Mos Def as Chuck Berry.  Beyoncé still can’t really act, but she does do that black girl neck thing a lot.  I wish I could do that.

(trailer after the jump) Read the rest of this entry »

Cadillac Records opens December 5th, and now it has a poster (click the thumbnail below for full size).  Apparently there aren’t any black actresses in Hollywood so they keep having to use singers.  Doot, da-doot da-doot da-doot, doot da-doot doot, da-doot da-doot…

UPDATE: You can thank Michelle for directing us to this truly disturbing Tori Amos video starring Adrian Brody, or at least Adrian Brody’s face and arm.

[ComingSoon]

Three weeks ago when it was announced Mos Def had been cast as Chuck Berry in Cadillac Records, I wrote:

Chuck Berry famously got the idea for Rock and Roll from his cousin Marvin, who made Chuck listen live to a crazy white kid who’d traveled back in time and was filling in on guitar at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.  The kid’s showboating briefly brought the dance to a halt, but Chuck knew he was on to something so he re-recorded the song note for note.

Today, the Onion ran the following story:

In a shocking revelation that turns a half century of rock-and-roll history on its head, legendary musician Chuck Berry recalled Monday how he got the idea for his iconic song "Johnny B. Goode"—believed for decades to have been written by Berry himself—after listening to a white teenager playing it over the telephone. "I’ll never forget that night back in 1955 when I got the call from [cousin] Marvin [Berry] saying, ‘Chuck, this is that sound you’ve been looking for!’" recounted Berry, explaining that his cousin was playing an "Enchantment Under The Sea"–themed high school dance when the mysterious teen, Calvin Klein, took to the stage and single-handedly invented rock and roll as we now know it. "Marvin held up the phone and I heard the song that would make me famous. Then I stole it."

I’d like to think I’ve had ideas more worthy of borrowing.  Like that plan for affordable universal healthcare, or when I converted water into a powerful energy source.  Where were you at on those ones, jizz snorkelers?