DON’T YOU CLOSE THAT DOOR, C-TATES!

I don’t know, you guys. I really don’t even know how to break this news to you all right now. I guess it’s Band-Aid time, so let’s rip it right off – Channing Tatum is going to take a break from acting in 2013.

“[Reid Carolin and I] have about three to four ideas that we love that are all in the hopper. By the end of next year, we’re going to shut things down and write the first thing that we’re going to direct. We’re going to be like, alright, no more acting parts for a minute, let’s take a few and really get caring about that section of our career.” (Via EW)

Do you want to know how serious he is? Tatum has already been ruled out of playing Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey film series. Sorry ladies, but you can put your burnt vibrators away.

No, this isn’t about his fans. This is about what he wants. What HE wants. I’ve never witnessed something so incredibly selfish in my life – “Peep me, I B C-Tates n I’m all GQ’s Movie Star of da Year, People’s Sexiest Man Alive n BET’s Hottest Homeboy! I’m an A-lizzlezister now and want 2 has a mad serious career and make joints dat mean some’n 2 me n not have my restaurant open when Burnsy visits New Orleans!”

What about your fans, Channing? Yeah, that’s right, I called you Channing. You’re not C-Tates to me right now. You’re just some dude, who is actually probably going to focus on being a father, trying to “do what’s best for him”. Disgusting.

Well, Tatum fans, enjoy the world’s greatest actor while he lasts, because when 2013 hits in a few weeks, you’re only going to be able to see Channing Tatum in GI Joe: Retaliation, Side Effects, White House Down and Foxcatcher. And then in 2014? Just The Contortionist’s Handbook, 21 Jump Street 2 and Jupiter Ascending. That’s it. That’s all you get.

What a jerk.

Burnsy already broke the news yesterday accompanied by this glorious Photoshop, but in case you didn’t trust an early exclusive from a site called “gossipcop,” rest easy as it has been confirmed, Channing Tatum has been named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Burnsy and I feel pretty confident in taking credit for all of C-Tates’ success thus far, and we couldn’t be happier for him.

But of course, the internet couldn’t simply accept this news without starting

“I really think it’s time that we as a nation confront @PeopleMag about their Sexiest Man Alive voting. Recount! #teamryan” wrote @haleyleigh.

“Channing Tatum looks a lot like this one guy I regretted making out with. Gosling looks like the human personification of Ecstasy. #teamryan” wrote @summeranne.

“One could make the argument that Ryan Gosling would even be the sexiest man dead, too. #teamryan,” wrote @samir.

“PEOPLE should just start a monthly Ryan Gosling mag to make up for the travesty of not picking him for Sexiest Man again. #teamryan” wrote @msmarysa.

“Seriously, does People magazine have something against Gosling? No offense Tatum, I think you’re tops, just not as tops as #teamryan” ‏@Gillian_English [AlbanyUnion]

Stop it, just stop. This is stupid. Look, I’m the President of Huggalo Nation, but comparing Baby Goose and C-Tates is like comparing the white swan to the… uh… the swan that dresses like a black swan. Sometimes you want a sweet boy who’ll bake you a lasagna and sing double dutch rhymes with your niece, and other times you want a guy to drop the beat and wave his C-piece in your face. True story: When SirMixaLot sang “even whiteboys got ta shout,” he was talking about Channing Tatum. Let’s let him enjoy the moment, shall we?

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Earlier today, I received an email from the fine people at Gentlemen’s Quarterly magazine regarding their selections for the annual “Men of the Year” feature, or however they refer to it. Ben Affleck was named Director of the Year for Argo, and you can tell it’s a distinguishing honor because he has a sprinkle of salt in his pepper. And singer Rihanna was named Obsession of the Year, and I don’t know what that means, because I feel like she needs a vacation.

But the big winner was our favorite rec center savior, Channing Tatum, who was named Movie Star of the Year, and nobody can deny how much he absolutely deserves that honor. His films The Vow, 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike each grossed more than $100 million, and his presence (or lack thereof) managed to derail the summer release of Paramount’s blockbuster, GI Joe: Retaliation, because his fans were irate that his character Duke was being killed off.

So does the good news stop there? HELL NAW. According to Gossip Cop, our beloved C-Tates will bring home his greatest honor yet when People Magazine will reportedly announce tomorrow that he is the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive. Respek.

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“Damn boo, u fart?”

In case you don’t have a giant chart on your wall that tracks the success of Channing Tatum films like I do, our favorite rec center savior had three films that topped the $100 million mark. Those films – The Vow, 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike – allowed C-Tates to show off his chops as a romantic lead, comedian and big ol’ dong shaker, respectively, and even with a shortened role in next year’s GI Joe: Retaliation, he’ll still be able to spray paint “Blockbuster Action Star” on his backwards acid-washed overalls as well.

Now, it seems that the hardest workin’, twerkin’, lay it down, flip it and reversin’ it baller/playboy/actor/producer/baller in $how BizzzNa$t33 is adding suspenseful thriller to his Linked In profile with the new film Side Effects, co-starring Rooney Mara and Jude Law. Tatum plays Mara’s papi, and someone gets killed. That’s pretty much all I took away from the new trailer, but you can take a look for yourself.

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Is every movie just going to be based on/inspired by some real event?

MORNING LINKS
James Cameron puts Jack-Could’ve-Fit Gate to Rest Once and for All |Film Drunk|

‘The Simpsons’ And ‘Breaking Bad’ Mashup Finally Has The Posters It Deserves |UPROXX|

The bear in the the tutu is such a show-off.  |It Makes No Sense|

10 Things We Learned From The Season Premiere Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ |Warming Glow|

Aaron Rodgers Wussed Out On His Bet So We Photoshopped Him Into 49ers Jerseys |With Leather|

Has ‘Futurama’ Jumped The Space Whale? |Gamma Squad|

The Company Who Brought Us Hologram Tupac Files For Bankruptcy |Smoking Section|

The Automated Yahoo! Fantasy Football Recaps Are Hilarious |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Alison Pill Accidentally Tweeted A Topless Pic Because She’s So Totally Like Maggie, You Guys |The Superficial|

30 Renowned Authors Inspired by Cats |Buzzfeed|

5 Remarkable Things Discovered Under Parking Lots |Mental Floss|

Judas Priest are screaming for vengeance and damages over a GAP t-shirt
that rips off their most famous album cover |Fark|

Party Tardis is just what The Doctor ordered |Daily What|

Apple Coasting Keynote (with Shooter McGavin) |College Humor|

Who Should Play The Mean Girls In Bravo’s Heathers Reboot? |Videogum|

Comedian Goes Above And Beyond For Anonymous Suicidal Fan |HuffPost Comedy|

Conan Auditions Wives a la Tom Cruise |Screen Junkies|

The Eight Most Annoying Enemy Types in Video Games |Unreality|

Lindsay Lohan Is A Damn Nightmare |IDLYITW|

11 Creepiest Smiles In Hollywood (Including Dennis Quaid) |Pajiba|

Friendzone: The Video |High Definite|

Ten Foolproof Ways to Make Your Post Grad Situation Sound Better Than Everyone Else’s |Brobible|

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