And now, I present to you, the single greatest news lede that will ever be written.  Oh Florida, don’t ever change.

BERVARD COUNTY, Fla. [sic] — The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail. [WFTV]

Well good for him.  He was just havin’ a little fun, gropin’ chicks, puttin’ burritos down his pants — you know, the yooouge.  Boys will be boys, amirite?   “Is that a burrito in your Captain America costume, or are you just happy to see me– Oh.  I see.  It actually is a burrito.  And no, I don’t want to taste your sour cream– okay, I take that back.  It’s actually quite refreshing.”

I dub thee “Dr. Gropey McBurritopants.”

UPDATE: But wait, there’s more!

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.
The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”  The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station.

Well sure.  I say let he who’s never stashed the ol’ Derringer burrito in his boot cast the first stone.

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Chipotle has announced that it will be sponsoring the food industry documentary/exposé Food Inc. (watch the first three minutes here).  Here’s the lede from Hollywood Reporter:

Now consumers can get a side of knowledge with their next burrito.

Damn, I can’t decide whether to make a sex joke, a Mexican joke, or a sex with Mexicans joke.  Maybe the new punchline to “You know why Mexican girls are always getting pregnant?” could be “Because their burritos come with a side of knowledge.”  (Current punchline: “Because their teachers are always telling them to go home and do their essays.”)  Bottom line, I’ve digressed horribly.

Beginning Tuesday, the chain will sponsor free screenings of the film in 32 U.S. cities. It will also place promotional material in all of its more than 860 restaurants.

“Food, Inc.,” now playing in theaters, examines unsavory practices within America’s food industry. The film features the commentary of authors Michael Pollan (“The Omnivore’s Dilemma”) and Eric Schlosser (“Fast Food Nation”), who discuss the ills of modern food production practices and the influence of major agriculture companies in shaping government policy.  Bringing this message to consumers gives Chipotle an opportunity to showcase its eco-friendly “food with integrity” philosophy.  Chipotle says that 35% of the beans it uses are organically grown and that it serves more naturally raised meat than any other restaurant worldwide. [THR]

And in case you were wondering, Chipotle was once owned by McDonald’s starting in 2001, but as Chipotle is careful to point out, Mickey D’s “divested” themselves of all their stock in 2006.  What they don’t tell you is that their shares were bought be the DeBeer Blood Diamonds and Mink Corporation.