If you’re new here, there’s this game we play, where we recreate the plot of crappy movies using only expository quotes from its reviews (NO ANALYSIS!).  As it turns out, the plots of bad movies are generally pretty hilarious on their own. Today’s movie is Charlie St. Cloud, starring Zac Efron.  I’m not exaggerating at all when I say that I’ve been waiting for this moment for three months.  THANK GOD, IT’S FINALLY HERE!  PILOT MY SAILBOAT, ZAC EFRON! PLAY BALL WIT YA DEAD BROTHAH!

As Charlie, Efron plays catch every day at sunset with his younger brother, Sam. The problem? Sam died in a car accident. (Rolling Stone)

We meet Charlie at his peak — King of the Quincy, Washington small-boat sailors, headed to Stanford on a sailing scholarship.  (OrlandoSentinel)

Yeah, Mom has to work two jobs to keep them going, but Charlie and his somewhat spoiled kid brother are lucky kids with bright futures. (OS)

Then, graduation night — “Kegger at the Point tonight!” — a car accident, and Sam is gone. (OS)

Charlie was at the wheel. It doesn’t take long to figure out that Charlie dies too — at least in spirit. (Entertainment Weekly)

But a devout Catholic paramedic (Ray Liotta) willed him back to life. (OS)

Charlie’s life derails. (ChicagoTribune)

Instead of heading off to Stanford to realize his dream of becoming a sailing champion, he stays home (EW)

…to become a hermit-like groundskeeper at the cemetery where Sam is buried.  (CT)

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This is the trailer for Charlie St. Cloud (formerly “The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud”), starring Zac Efron, directed by gay dominatrix (I’m guessing) Burr Steers, who previously handled Efron in 17 Again.  It’s basically Ghost as written by Nicholas Sparks.  Efron is the comically saintly Charlie St. Cloud, who sails boats, loves his brother, and probably reads to old people when he’s not busy feeding deer out of his hand.  He especially likes teaching his little brother baseball, and he loves Jeeeeezus, and America tooo…

“I’ll practice with you, every day until I leave for Stanford.”

But remember, this is a Nicholas Sparks (ish) story, so the very mention of college (like say, Juilliard) serves only as a plot device to show how much a character is giving up when they choose family instead.  So then, just when everything seems perfect, Charlie and his lil’ bro get in a car crash.  His brother dies, but Charlie gets revived, and when he wakes up, HE CAN SEE DEAD PEOPLE.  Including his dead brother.  So Charlie becomes a caretaker at the cemetary, where he can finish teaching his little brother to throw a slider (which he now has all eternity to practice).  Then Charlie grows a beard, er, meets a lady.  He wants to go on a round-the-world sailing trip with her (which is what all Hollywood-attractive 20-year-olds like to do, in my experience), but then his ghost brother gets scared, sayin “If you move in with that girly I’ll disappear into thin air.”

So then Charlie stays at the cemetery with his dead brother while his girlfriend embarks on a dangerous sailing trip (against the advice of Ray Liotta).  Gee, I wonder if anything bad will happen to her.  I guess you’ll just have to find out.

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Kim Basinger is in talks to join Zac Efron in the screen adaptation of the book The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud with Burr Steers attached to direct. Variety reports:

Basinger would play the grieving mother of Efron’s character, a caretaker at a cemetery who has weekly meetings with a younger brother whose accidental death he feels was his fault. [I can assure you that lots of little brothers die having sex with their siblings]

Hey, Kim Basinger is hot, even now in her treasure map-like-skin existence. I can remember watching The Real McCoy and trying to hide my boner beneath my Bugle Boy jeans, even before getting boners in Bugle Boy jeans was cool. Before that, it was Batman, only every time I got close to manifesting the destiny in my pants, Michael Keaton would flash on screen and I’d suddenly feel really uncomfortable. But I digress…

The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud teams Efron and director Steers back together after filming 17 Again earlier this year. An early draft of the script was written by Craig Pearce, the same guy who puked up Strictly Ballroom, Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge!, to name a few. Hmm, a film starring Zac Efron, directed by the dude who shat out 17 Again and written by that f-ker responsible for Moulin Rouge! ? I’ll be the first to admit that it’s too early to tell for sure, but as of right now my Magic 8-Ball suggests “wrapping your ex girlfriend’s yorkie in a burquini and then tossing it into a pool” instead.

-Chodin

I know Zac Efron (or “Ol’ Jazz Hands,” as I like to call him) is trying to butch up his image lately, but isn’t this new poster for 17 Again going a little overboard? I mean, a leather motorcycle jacket AND aviator sunglasses?  Why, he looks like he’s off to go drive an 18 wheeler, or chop down a tree, or get a tattoo of an anchor.

Howdy, folks, Nick Nolte here. I come to present the trailer for 17 Again, starrin Zac Efron. Hell, I like the kid. Looks like he got that skin ain’t been lived in yet, that you can stretch out and it snaps right back. Plus he’s full of pep, always singin and jumpin an dancin around like a mule with his eyes cut out. Probably even still got that new queer smell.

As you can imagine, this here picture’s about a man goes back to bein’ 17 again. Brings back memories. At 17, I’d just met my third wife Starla at a morgue in Las Cruces. We was just a couple a crazy kids goofed up on phenobarbital when I popped the question. She said yes when she come to, and after that she wore my favorite gook ear necklace every day till the syphilis took ‘er from me outside Manila in ’66. Anyhound, I’m goin’ all warm n fuzzy on ye so I better skedaddle. But mark your calendars, 17 Again. Check it out. Directed by Burr Steers. Sounds like a real man, ya ask me.