For the uninitiated, a burlesque dancer is like a stripper who can read, and their shows are all artsy and hard to jack off to.  One of the most popular such shows is the Star Wars burlesque show from Devil’s Playground.  After the jump, I’ve got some video and pictures from just such a show. Burlesque schmurlesque, I think it goes without saying that the girl in the Storm Trooper helmet and the girl in the wookie mask should’ve been made to go ass-to-ass.  “Hmmm, go ass-to-ass, you will, if it’s making it rain you desire.”

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Jay Maynard, aka Tron Man, who’s a computer consultant (shocking, I know), has been forced to sell his private plane on eBay due to the tightening economy.  I can’t believe this guy used to own his own plane. He must’ve had to beat the pussy off with a lightsabre. |Wired|

Universal bought the rights to Larry Doyle’s novel outline for a novel Go Mutants!, “a teen comedy/adventure set in a high school where all of the tropes from classic 1950s alien invasion movies came true. Years later, the children of those mutant creatures have assimilated among the other kids.”  Hopefully it’s as good as the film adaptation of Doyle’s other novel, I Love You, Beth Cooper, which is perhaps most generously described as a cinematic skid mark. |Variety|

Cher is set to play Christina Aguilera’s mentor in Burlesque, a film about “an ambitious small-town Iowa girl with a big voice who comes of age in a neo-burlesque club on Sunset Boulevard.”  So these burlesque places actually exist?  Are they like strip clubs for gay guys?  Drag shows with girls?  Anyway, I liked this when it was called Coyote Ugly.  Wait, no I didn’t. |Variety|

Kevin Lima has been hired to direct Frank, a modern retelling of Frankenstein, centering on “a teenage prodigy who’s on the cutting edge of cell research in medical school. After several unsuccessful attempts at socializing with her peers, she decides to use her scientific prowess and piece together a friend out of the med school’s instructional cadavers.”   Fingers crossed Mickey Rourke plays Frank, who’s always trying to get her to have a beer and pet his dogs.  |Empire|

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I’ve never been a fan of fake white hair on short Latin girls or skanky pornstar makeup or fake boobs that only look good after pregnancy, but I know Christina Aguilera has her fans so this story’s for them.  She’s soon to be making her acting debut in a role as a “burlesque dancer,” which I guess is like a stripper who can read.

Burlesque, for Screen Gems, casts the singer as an ambitious smalltown girl with a big voice who finds love, family and success in a Los Angeles neo-burlesque club. Steven Antin will direct from his own script. [EmpireMovies]

I understand finding love and success, but how do you find family at a strip club?  Just because I ask to call you “mama” doesn’t make it so.

…Does it?

I Am Legend (if you see it in an IMAX theater) will show a 7-minute "prologue about the Joker" from The Dark Knight. Isn’t Will Smith in I Am Legend?  It’s like two jokers for the price of one LOL! [Collider]

De Palma’s The Untouchables: Capone Rising will be scored by Ennio Morricone, who did the original. Too bad it’ll still be a 20-year-old sequel with an overrated director. Plus, your hero is a guy who enforces the alcohol ban?  Sounds more like an A-hole to me. A C-blocker, at the very least.  I just wish Connery would reprise his role as the Irish cop with the Scottish brogue. [MTV]

Beknighted will be scripted by Patrick Kelly (Don’t Say a Word). "Dealing with ‘core themes of racism and alienation,’ [Kit Whitfield's] book focuses on a world where werewolves make up 90% of the world’s population."  Sounds kinda like that cavemen show.  Guess what, the definitive race politics parable has already been made, and it was called X-Men 2.  [Hollywood Reporter]

Burlesque, "modern musical that will include 12 song-and-dance numbers, like a modern Moulin Rouge!, will be directed by Steven Antin."  The script also got a re-write from Juno scribe and former stripper Diablo Cody. This one’s a Screen Gems production AND a musical? I’ll be avoiding that like a strip joint buffet.  [Cinematical] 

Einstein will be a biopic about the famous physicist, to be made by Lion’s Gate. Someone must have heard Patton Oswalt’s bit about how doing a movie about the two days where Jesus gets beaten up and nailed to the cross would be like doing a movie about Einstein’s life where you only show the 8 hours he spends on the toilet after a bad tuna sandwich.  Look for a flaming-dildo-headed zombie horror movie as soon as Hollywood execs start reading this site. [Collider]