(“Hurrr, we got stoned and went sunglass shopping.”)

I have a hard time believing that there’s any truth to this, especially considering it comes from an Australian tabloid I’ve never heard of.  But according to New Weekly, Krapstew (Twilight stars Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattison) may be expecting a child.

The actress, who discovered she could be expecting last week, was so worried someone would discover her secret she sent a close pal to buy a pregnancy test kit. The couple, who haven’t even gone public with their romance yet, are now facing the toughest challenge to their relationship as they struggle with the news they could be parents.
Kristen first started to suspect she might be expecting when she realized she hadn’t had her period.
“When she worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant” says a pal.  “And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

Uh oh, you know what this means: Your old Bella Womb is obsolete!  Ooh, it could become a collector’s item.  Heck, that could be the title of the next Twilight book – New Womb.  New wooooomb/you sloughed your lining alooooone/without a sperm in your cavityyyy… Okay, I’ll stop now.

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: news schmews, it’s time to prognosticate! If you came here for answers, you’re in the wrong place, bub. Now, who wants to get stabbed in the dark?  Ouch, I’m bleeding! Yay!

According to über-sketchy media outlet WENN (whose stories are generally written and formatted like a penis-pill email), Megan Fox has vowed to never play a character as “lame” as Wonder Woman.

Director Joss Whedon is rumoured to be putting together a cast for an upcoming big screen outing for the superhero siren [Editor's Note: I've never heard this rumor, and I traffic in these sorts of things]. Fox is reportedly in the running to play the lead role, but the Transformer star is adamant she will not get involved with the comic book adaptation. She tells British magazine FHM, “She’s lame. She flies around in an invisible jet, but she’s not invisible. I don’t get it.” [IMDB via Fark]

Hello, does Star Trek ring a bell?  Romulan cloaking devices?  (*pushes glasses back up nose*) Anyway, there’s no trace of the quote or anything about Wonder Woman in FHM’s online edition, and WENN appears to be the only source for it. So this whole thing is probably bullsh*t.  And let’s face it, Megan Fox has been in two Transformers movies and dates this guy, – something tells me she isn’t the harshest judge of what is and isn’t lame.

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EXCLUSIVE-TYPE UPDATE: I’ve got a source who says Billy West (famous voice actor from Futurama and Ren & Stimpy, among other things) is meeting with Sean Penn today and tomorrow to help him prep his Larry impression – so that part of the rumor is at least partially true.  In related news, I’m going to go hit myself in the dick with a hammer now.

In what I hope is merely a strategy borrowed from the British tabloids (i.e., making shit up) InTouch Weekly is reporting that the Farrelly Brothers Three Stooges remake is looking to cast… Johnny Depp …and Sean Penn.

The 45-year-old Depp could soon be poking Sean Penn in the eye in the Farrelly brothers’ forthcoming comedy.

“They [it's unclear whether "they" means the studio or the Farrelys] want Johnny to play Moe and Sean Penn will be Larry — they’re still looking to cast Curly,” an insider says.

The Farrelly brothers will work on the Stooges movie after filming Walter the Farting Dog with the Jonas Brothers this spring [not if I kill you first -Ed.]. [via JustJared]

Wow, what a great idea!  For Curly, maybe they can get Josh Brolin, or John Malkovich.  It’ll be the most thespianically gifted Three Stooges ever!  Moe will stomp on Curly’s toe and laugh, but with just his eyes he’ll be able to communicate that he’s only doing it out of anger at his father for drowning his pet turtle when he was 8.  Sounds like a lot of fun.

Jerry Suckheimer officially locked down Johnny Depp for Talking Monkeys of the Carribbean 4 last week, a role for which the Daily Mail recently reported he’ll be paid $55 million, not including whatever piece of the back end he’s getting [**winks**].   Keep in mind The Daily Mail is British and all British people are all liars.  Today, an even more bogus-sounding set of rumors, from the ever-reliable “proven informant who wishes to remain anonymous”.

…there are talks of Captain Jack having a brother in the next movie, possibly to be played by Sacha Baron Cohen (perfect!) or Russell Brand (even more perfect!) Of course, that’s probably just fantasy casting, but why would either of those comedians turn the role down? As we’ve mentioned before, the new movie might kick off a trilogy, which would revolve around Captain Jack’s search for the Fountain of Youth [I think you just answered your own rhetorial question there, bub. -Ed.]
Geoffrey Rush and director Gore Verbinski are apparently both planning to return, but… and this is a big maybe… Tim Burton might direct instead. Tim Burton! [CinemaBlend]

Omg omg omg!  **flaps hand in face**  This could be better than a sequel to Mars Attacks! Last I heard, Tim Burton was working on Alice in Wonderland, but whatever.  I didn’t think Johnny Depp would be part of this horrible abortion either, but then I didn’t know they’d be paying him the equivalent of almost one and a half Spider-Man musicals.  As for Russell Brand, he was funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but… does anyone else really really really wanna punch him in the face*?  Wash your goddamned hair, hippie.

^{*It’s second on the list behind “zigga zig ahh”.}

So yeah, that was probably the lamest headline I’ve ever written.  Anyway, the news is that one of LatinoReview’s infamous “anonymous sources” says WB is looking at none other than Ryan “Baby Goose” Gosling for the lead role in the Green Lantern movie.  Yep, they’re actually making that.  Says FirstShowing:

I hope no one needs a reminder in regards to who the character of Hal Jordan is [God forbid], but let’s go over some basic details. In the script, he is a 27 year old test pilot who is chosen to wear a power ring [FYI: FirstShowing lists “Power Rings” as number 3 on its list of “5 Reasons why fans will love Green Lantern”] and become a Green Lantern in order to defend our universe from bad guys like Legion and Sinestro. He was given the ring when Abin-Sur crashes on Earth and finds someone who is “utterly honest and born without fear” to take his place.

It’s a lesser known fact that after Abin-Sur gave Hal Jordan the power ring, he bought him a Tiffany’s necklace with a silver heart, and Jordan still wouldn’t put out until one night after he got hammered off jungle juice at the sigma chi formal.  But shh, don’t tell anyone, who knows what would happen if the standards board found out!