Harry Knowles is reporting that Kick-Ass 2 has been greenlit, but I can’t lie to you guys.  Those three exclamation points in the headline are meant to indicate the likelihood that this story is total bullsh*t.  So take it with a few grains of salt, and then slam some tequila and punch a hooker if you have to (I’m not here to judge).   An AICN reader sent Knowles this tip:

Been listening to Mark Millar on Radio 5 in the UK who says that because of the fantastic number of DVD sales of Kick Ass that Kick Ass 2 has been greenlit and will go ahead and be based on Millar’s follow-up comic.

The key thing to remember here is that Mark Millar is notorious for constantly making sh*t up and being wrong.  This isn’t even the first time he’s brought up a Kick-Ass sequel — Chris Mintz-Plasse shot down Millar’s last sequel claim back in May.  According to people in the know, Matthew Vaughn is busy with X-Men: First Class, and they won’t know the status of a Kick-Ass sequel until he’s done. This is probably just wishful thinking on Millar’s part, based on DVD sales reports, and the fact that he’d make a bunch more money if they turned another one of his comics into a movie.  My, this was an interesting story, wasn’t it.

Anyway, why the hell does everything need a sequel?  I know this sounds like Godfather 2 compared to  an Expendables sequel, but still.  Didn’t SPOILER ALERT: Nic Cage’s character die at the end?  F*ck that.  I refuse to watch a Kick-Ass without Nic Cage being a weirdo. The only way this could work is if they made it a prequel, and found an even younger girl to play Hit-Girl.   What?  I think that could be hot.

The New Zealand branch of Stuff Magazine reports that Indiana Jones 5 will be about the Bermuda Triangle and go “back to the franchise’s roots.”  The whole report sounds dubious, as it’s full of unattributed generalities and quotes from unnamed sources, but for what it’s worth…

Indiana Jones 5 will begin shooting next year, and much of the plot line will be centred around the Bermuda Triangle.
Harrison Ford’s final outing as Indiana Jones will be “emotional and exciting” as the franchise heads back to its roots after a badly received fourth instalment.
Movie bosses have assured fans the film will stay true to the series’ roots, and won’t contain lots of state-of-the-art special effects.
“Shia LaBeouf has a central role again as Indy’s son but this will be a blockbuster made in the old fashioned way rather than the CGI efforts of the last movie,” the source added.

These “movie bosses”… would they include Steven Spielberg or George Lucas?  Because George Lucas loves CGI.  He loves CGI more than people.  He loves it more than his own family.  George Lucas loves CGI more than he loves luring neighborhood cats into his neck pouch and then slowly digesting them with his stomach fluids.  But sure, whatever you say, Stuff Magazine New Zealand.  Indiana Jones 5 will be classic movie making, with no CGI just like you remember, and you’ll be able to build a house in your idealized childhood and live there forever with your dog, Spot, who left to go live on your uncle’s ranch when you were 12.

In related news, “Bermuda Triangle” is one of my favorite pubic hair styles, just after Brazilian, Landing Strip, and Cincinnati Hair Diaper.

Over the weekend, the big news going around was Sly Stallone discussing the possibility of Rocky 7 in an interview with zee Germans.  Here’s the translation, via Cinematical:

‘I know people would laugh at it, as I would if someone were making The Godfather Part 10. Enough! But I also know that if I succeed, it will be because this is a film about aging, not about boxing. I know it will provoke criticism. Even my wife said to me, Leave it. You’ll embarrass the children. But I said, if I do not try, I am a very unfortunate man. One must do it. Artists like me have to go through the dark over and over again.’

Naturally, everyone picked up on the story and was all like “Rocky 7? OMG WTF ROFLJO!”  However, according to some German speakers over on CHUD, the translation was wrong and Sly was actually speaking in the past tense about Rocky Balboa, not about a new Rocky movie.  There will be no Rocky 7.  There, now you can make your friends who bring up Rocky 7 in conversation look like total A-holes.  Meanwhile, when Stallone refers to himself as an artist, I picture something like this:

Read the rest of this entry »

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate!  This story has no facts, so we’re free to speculate wildly!  Yee haw, now who wants to take a shot in the dark?  And remember, address all responses in the form of a question!

This rumor comes from MarketSaw, accompanied by two questions marks and three exclamation points in the headline, which is enough to write it off as the work of a breathless retard in my book.  But if you need further evidence, here you go:

I have been hearing rumblings… [probably from Lucas' stomach -- "FEED ME A STRAY CAT," it says. -Ed.] extremely quiet at first, but now heating up significantly and from a trusted source – that George Lucas is preparing to unleash another STAR WARS trilogy upon us, this time in stereoscopic 3D. This is NOT the TV series, these are brand spankin’ new 3D STAR WARS movies.  It is coming from a source that SHOULD KNOW. This source is absolutely connected. So odds are it is seriously being talked about at Lucasfilm.

But here is the shocker: Lucas will be producing and NOT directing these new episodes apparently! Could Steven Spielberg be tapped to direct a STAR WARS movie after all? Yes according to a trusted source of mine! Further, Francis Ford Coppola was mentioned too as a possible director for a future film!

Should I murder the president?  YES, says my neighbor’s dog!  If it wasn’t true, why would the government monitor my thoughts through the television?  Riddle me that, batman.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: When did the Star Wars franchise lose its mojo?

Oh my gosh, you guys, Megan Fox is going to die in the next Transformers!1!!  This is totally important news, because if Megan Fox dies, she can’t come back for Transformers 15!  Whose leg would the robots hump then, WHOSE???

The bubbleheaded bombshell’s recent comments blasting Transformers director Michael Bay as tough to work for than “Hitler” [sic] — coupled with a scornful letter penned by members of the film’s crew, which slam Meg as an ungrateful brat — could cost the outspoken brunette her job in the upcoming third installment.
Movie industry insiders tell In Touch Weekly, Michael is considering writing Megan out of the series in a gory death scene in the first few frames of Transformers 3 and replacing with another gorgeous young actress.
“Michael’s pretty much discovered Megan and now he’s very quietly looking for her replacement,” the source spilled. “He hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared.” [popcrunch]

So there you have it: Michael Bay thought about killing off Megan Fox in the movie he’s not writing for which there’s still no script, said an anonymous entity to a sleazy tabloid.  If only Walter Cronkite were still here to report this.  But even if her character dies at the beginning of the movie, Shia LaBeouf could always go up to robot heaven* and convince Optimus Prime’s ancestors to tell Jesus to bring her back to life (robot ghosts are notorious for their Jesus connections) so that the robots can keep humping her.   This is a film that implies robots reproduce sexually — “consistency” and “coherence” don’t seem that important.  In fact, on a Michael Bay set, job one is “More tits!”  Job two is “Make me a mocha with caramel sauce, lattes are for poor people!”

*This actually happened in Transformers 2