Steven Seagal, while famously not able to keep track of space and time too well, is an impeccable dresser, and, as we found out the other day, once had a Colombian company design him a bulletproof kimono, presumably so that he could keep up his patented “bloated shaman” look, even while taking musket fire during the Civil War or dodging matchlocks aboard a Chinese junk during 15th century Ming voyages. “I once assassinated Julius Caesar with a front kick, but I’m not here to talk about that,” Seagal likes to say.

An eagle-eyed FilmDrunkard, meanwhile, pointed out that the very factory that manufactured Seagal’s bulletproof kimono was actually visited by Vice reporter Ryan Duffy back in May, who actually got to try on some bulletproof Seagal gear [5:20 of the video], which may require being specially made on account of its size, in addition to its bullet-stopping qualities (Steven Seagal is very big, is what I’m saying). Naturally, Duffy put on some bulletproof clothes and took a jacket for a test drive, becoming a shooting dummy for the so-called bulletproof tailor and CEO of the company, Miguel Caballero, who fires a pistol at Duffy from about two feet away.

You gotta love that the CEO does the shooting himself, right there in his office, no waivers or anything. Good ole Colombia. “Waibear? No waibear. Mira, ju wanna get chot, I choot ju. 10 dolar, frieng price.”

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Steven Seagal is such a constant source of entertainment, I don’t even know how to introduce his posts anymore. He can’t keep track of space and time. He collects ornate saddles. He sings reggae songs about poonani. He said Above the Law was semi-autobiographical, alludes to having been a CIA spy, and challenged a UFC champion to a street fight, as long as no one was watching. The list of his exploits is so long, he should have his own minstrel, and probably has at some point.

Today, a reader sent me a link to a Consumerist story about a Colombian company that hopes to the become the first to successfully market a line of  bulletproof vests, clothing and backpacks for children. Putting aside the basic depressingness of that entire sentence, this story was also notable for containing the following passage:

Lest anyone question whether these garments will be the real deal, the company’s head of research and development threw out some high-profile customers to back up its safety claims.

“Three royal families in the Middle East are customers of ours. We made a bullet-proof kimono for the American actor Steven Seagal. Our experience is beyond question,” she explained.

A bullet-proof kimono. Can you imagine your desire to wear kimonos being so strong that you’d demand to wear one even while you were potentially being shot at? During which other activities does Steven Seagal demand to stay in-kimono? Snorkeling? Sky diving? Parasailing? Actually, I think I answered my own question there. Steven Seagal would absolutely wear a bulletproof kimono while parasailing. As always, Steven Seagal’s real life is as ridiculous as his movies, possibly because he can’t tell the difference. In fact, “Bulletproof Kimono” would make a great name for a Steven Seagal movie. Wait no, check that, the title needs three words. Let’s go with “Under Bulletproof Kimono.”

Thanks for the tip, Justin.