(I don’t remember why I made this Photoshop)

This week brought some news about Wolverine 2, coming ironically from Roger Friedman, the slug-person who once got fired for admitting he watched a pirated copy of Wolverine (he also once wrote that Matt LeBlanc had “literally disappeared” and was still allowed to show up for work the next day, but I digress).  Aaaaanyway, Friedman reports that the sequel to X-Men Origins: Wolverine, will begin filming in Japan in January, from a script by Usual Suspects writer Chris McQuarrie.  Wha??  The trained seals at Fox hired someone qualified?  Oh well, I guess it’s true what they say about even a blind squirrel busting a nut.  I think that’s how it goes.

No director has been signed. And the script is a little different than originally thought. Based on a story cycle by Frank Miller and Chris Claremont, Wolverine’s adventures in martial arts will be a love story featuring a Japanese actress, I am told. “It’s a beautiful story,” says a source, “and will be very different than the first film.”
In addition to “Wolverine in Japan,” don’t worry. There are plenty of X-Men movies on the drawing boards. The next one [X-Men First Class] will bring back director Bryan Singer, who made the first two films. [via Friedman's column]

So Chris McQuarrie and Bryan Singer for Wolverine and X-Men… but also Fox?  I don’t know how to feel about that.  It’s like finding out you’re having steak for dinner, but your retarded brother who plays with his wiener all day is going to cook it.

(picture came from here, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT CLICK THAT {highly NSFW} LINK)

Before Brett Ratner came in and took a giant dump on the franchise, Bryan Singer directed X-Men and X-Men 2, probably my favorite two comic book movies outside of Dark Knight and Spider-Man 2.  That’s why, even though Superman Returns and Valkyrie were pretty lame, it’s big news that he just signed on to direct X-Men: First Class.  But temper your excitement, because The OC/Gossip Girls‘ Josh Schwartz is writing the script and it’s about teenage mutants. That’s right, and the studio is Fox.

If you don’t remember, writer Josh Schwartz of “The O.C.” and “Gossip Girl” will be penning the script which, if [producer] Lauren Schuler Donner has her way, won’t be toning down the intensity of the X-Men. Donner said previously: “We want it to be like the recent, darker Potters. It should not be a kiddie movie: we’re in the X-Men world so you can’t suddenly change the tone. The First Class comics are really fun — they’re funnier than any other comics I’ve read. Basically in each one the kids are fighting strange villains, sometimes it’s aliens, sometimes it’s monsters. I want to get a flavour of that world.” [FirstShowing]

Sounds kinda like X-Men meets Monster Squad or the X-Files, which could be cool with someone really talented running the show.  Too bad it’s Fox, who I wouldn’t trust to wash my car.  And knowing Josh Schwartz, the kids’ mutations will be stuff like being only moderately rich in a town full of filthy rich people, or having super gay eyebrows.

UPDATE FROM THE FUTURE: False alarm, looks like Matthew Vaughn’s directing.

   He loves ‘s’.  That explains the lisp.

Variety reports that Bryan Singer has signed on to produce (and maybe direct) an Excalibur remake.  The 1981 version (trailer below along with a picture of the actual sword) starred Liam Nesson, Helen Mirren, Gabriel Byrne, and Patrick Stewart, among others. I heard from a very reliable source (my subconscious) that Singer’s remake is going to feature lots of teenagers showering.

Excalibur, as most of you probably already know, is the story of King Arthur, who theorized that one could time travel within his own lifetime, and led an elite group of knights around a round table to develop a top-secret project known as Holy Grail.  Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, King Arthur prematurely pulled the magic sword from the stone, and vanished.  He awoke to find himself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not his own. Fortunately, contact with his own time was maintained through crystal-ball transmissions with Merlin, the project observer, who appears in the form of a hologram, that only King Arthur can see and hear. Trapped in the past, King Arthur finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

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(in space, no one can hear your lisp)

I hope everyone refilled their inhalers this weekend, because I’ve got Battlestar Galactica movie news to PWN your recessive genes with. Universal Pictures has announced that Bryan Singer is attached to direct the big screen version of the cult-hit series. Hang onto your imitation vaginas though, the studio claims that this will not be the SyFy channel (then Sci-Fi) fisting fest that you’re used to:

…Singer will clearly put his own creative stamp on the project, as the studio indicates that the film will be “a complete reimagination.” [Variety]

This reminds me of the time I had sex with this girl from community college. When we awoke in the morning, I asked her how she liked her eggs, to which she replied “over easy”. I immediately jumped out of the bunk bed and told her, “Well sorry, but you’re getting them fertilized. Consider it a complete reimagination of how you previously thought you liked your eggs”.

Though yet to be officially confirmed, Battlestar’s Wikipedia page reports that Singer’s version will be based on the original series which aired from 1978-1979 on the ABC network. Personally, I’ve never really given a rat’s ass about either version of the program, but I’ve heard from many reliable sources (i.e. people that I don’t want to kill) that Battlestar Galactica is a top-notch program. I suppose the best we can hope for at this point, is that Singer doesn’t try too hard to Star Trek this thing and at least remembers to cast Sinbad as the lead.

*crosses fingers and queefs*

-Chodin

^{Valkyrie: A serious review}

Valkyrie (watch the trailer) is beautifully shot by Bryan Singer and full of solid acting all around (except for Tom Cruise, who isn’t horrible but is still Tom Cruise), but it never comes close to solving that one little problem.  You know, the whole protagonist-getting-executed-by-Nazis-at-the-end thing.

The film tells the story of Colonel Klaus von Stauffenberg, the man who set the bomb in the final attempt to assassinate Hitler in 1944.  We open a year earlier on the North African front, where Stauffenberg tries to convince a general to defy Hitler’s orders and abandon a doomed campaign.  Just as he succeeds, Allied fighters strafe their camp, killing the general and blowing up the Jeep in which Stauffenberg sits.  Singer directs the battle scene brilliantly, striking that perfect balance between realism and actually being able to see what the f-ck’s going on that’s so rare nowadays.  Sadly, the action only lasts a few minutes.

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