OBEY THE GREENWOOD

Opening this weekend:

Star Trek – I doubt it’ll be high art, but it does look like solid entertainment, and the reviews seem to corroborate this theory.  I predict it does $65 mil. By the way, did your review include a “set phasers to ___” joke?  Party foul, chug the rest of your beer, toolbag.

Next Day Air – A comic, screwball hijink-fest starring the black dude from Scrubs.  Should’ve called it Next Day DVD.  Get it?  That’s a burn. (limited release)

Love N’ Dancing – Look, if you can’t even be bothered to type out “and” in the title, don’t think for a second I’m going to bother with a synopsis for your movie. (limited release)

Little Ashes - The dude from Twilight plays Salvador Dali, and apparently spends the whole movie giving mustache rides. (limited release)

Rudo y Cursi – Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna (the boys from Y Tu Mama Tambien) play soccer stars in a film that sounds like Spanish for how I act after a few cocktails. (limited release)

Lost creator JJ Abrams’ Star Trek origin story has a new TV spot after the jump.  It’s more or less the kind of TV spot I would’ve made for this movie – lots of flying and explosions and Bruce Greenwood, almost zero Zachary-Quinto-as-Spock.  Pretty sure the original Spock didn’t have creepy plasticized skin.  He looks like a mannequin that would normally have a ball gag in its mouth.

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Lost/Cloverfield creator JJ Abrams’ Star Trek movie has a new trailer out, and once again I have to say that it looks surprisingly watchable. Plus, Bruce Greenwood is in it, and he’s like Jesus, but better.  It’s weird, every time I see a trailer for this I think I’ll probably see it, but then I see posters of Spock at the theater and I want to run far, far away.  Every time I look at this guy I hear Amber Alerts.  Seriously, he’s creepy as f-ck.  He looks like a condom with eyebrows.

But to get that unsexy image out of your head, know also that Diora Baird is also in this, and she’ll be playing “Orion Slave Girl.”  That’s solid casting, because Diora Baird has magnificent tits. The tits of the future, really.
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The full trailer for JJ Abrams’ Star Trek obviously leaked online over the weekend, and now we have the official version.  I’ve been pretty critical of this so far, but I have to admit, the trailer is pretty damned awesome.  I still hate the casting of Spock and Captain Kirk (as commenter Max points out, the movie takes place during Spock and Kirk’s days as students, so them being young makes sense, but do they have to be so… clean?), but aside from that it looks far better than I ever would’ve imagined.  And that first voice over?  You better believe that’s Bruce Greenwood.  He plays Chris Pike in the movie, but I’d definitely be okay with him taking over for Don LaFontaine and narrating all trailers from now on. Bruce Greenwood fact of the day: Bruce Greenwood once got hired to read the audiobook version of Dianetics, and Scientology came true.

[Also available in HD at Apple]

Clearly Corey Haim’s four-figure gamble has paid off, as he has landed a mullet that would put Billy Ray Cyrus to shame and a movie role just inches away from Amy Smart’s nipple.  You might remember Amy Smart’s nipple from one of my all-time favorite topless scenes in Road Trip.  

Sadly, I don’t think this guy’s use of posters is going to turn out as well.  Poor little kitty.

But it’s nice to see that everything’s coming up Haim.  Even his technologically advanced futuristic virtual website place is getting a redesign.  I hope they don’t mess it up – as anyone who saw it the first time I posted it can attest, it rivaled Bruce Greenwood’s in superior information architecture. 

In related news, I’ve decided it’s perfectly acceptable to bring my laptop in with me while I’m taking a dump, so I guess you could say we’re both doing pretty well.

[Thanks to Robo for the tip - Source]