“I’m in a glass case of emotion!”

The new trailer for the JJ Abrams-directed, Kurtzman/Orci/Lindelof-scripted Star Trek Into Darkness just hit the web this morning (not to be confused with the shorter teaser from last week or the teaser teaser before that). Like the trailer for the first one, the whole first half is voice over from Bruce Greenwood, who tells Kirk that even though he might be King Sh*t of Huge Balls Mountain right now, there’s going to come a day when his manly hubris and scrotum-based chutzpah are going to get people killed. Or as Val Kilmer would say, “I don’t like you, ’cause your dangerous.” (*air bite*) Greenwood plays Christopher Pike in the movie, but I prefer to think of this advice as coming straight from Greenwood himself. Did you know he lost a front tooth in a bar fight? He also does a mean trumpeting elephant impression. And you know you can trust him because he’s Canadian.

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Though it was actually in 2007, it feels like it was only yesterday that we discovered Bruce Greenwood’s “intricate interpretation” of the “aching vulnerability” in the portrayal of even his most discromulent characters (he also invented an inflatable hat).  Of course, when you’re a Christ-like figure beloved in all corners of the globe like Bruce Greenwood, there are bound to be pretenders, and it seems one of them is none other than Corbin Bernsen (BERNSEN!).  I mean, just listen to Bernsen’s IMDB profile and its pathetic attempts to make him seem more Greenwoodlian.

Rugged, hirsutely handsome Corbin Bernsen blazed to TV stardom in 1986 on “L.A. Law” (1986) as opportunistic divorce lawyer “Arnie Becker”, whose blond and brash good looks, impish grin and aggressive courting style proved a wild sex magnet to not only the beautiful female clients desirous of his “services”, but his own lovelorn secretary who frequently bailed him out of trouble.

“Hirsute” means hairy, and Corbin Bernsen is bald and clean shaven.  So whoever wrote “hirsutely handsome”… must’ve been staring at his chest.  That actually makes complete sense.

Bernsen invested the Becker character with a likable “bad boy” charm that made him a favorite among the tight ensemble for eight solid seasons. In the process, he earned multiple Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. He also proved the role was no flash-in-the-pan or dead-end stereotype, maintaining a steady career over the course of three decades now with no signs of let up. Moreover, his deep love for acting and intent devotion to his career recently impelled him to climb into the producer/director’s chair.

Oh God, your tight ensemble is gettin me all hot.  Quick, climb in my director’s chair!

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Do you know what today is? That’s right, today is the 54th birthday of National Treasure star and National Treasure Bruce Greenwood.  Calling Bruce Greenwood an “actor” is like calling Jesus Christ a guy with a beard, and though we celebrate the anniversary of his birth, his physical age is largely irrelevant as he is immortal.  On this date each year, it’s customary for us to bathe in the sacred waters of Quebec’s Lake Osisko near the place where Bruce Greenwood first appeared on Earth, in order to absolve ourselves of any physical imperfections.  Then we stand at the water’s edge, clearing our throats heavenward and giving each other the firm, friendly pats on the backside of the Greenwood brotherhood, and exchange framed headshots of our spiritual leader.

A day such as this is also the perfect time to re-read some passages from (now sadly defunct) first book of BruceGreenwood.com:

Did you know that Bruce Greenwood:

• is left handed?
• had the nickname “Greendog” while growing up?
• has a grandmother from Edinburgh and his great-grandfather was the Royal Astronomer for Scotland, who helped discover the almucantar?
• watched television rarely as a child since it was rationed and he saved up his half-hours to view Wide World of Sports on weekends?
• dislikes scarey films and – as a child – was even frightened by the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz?
• lost a front tooth in a tussle some years ago and cheerfully removed it for his part in The Sweet Hereafter?
• lived on his own after Switzerland exploring the European ski circuit?
• was supplementing his theatrical career with a job in a chemical factory when he unexpectedly got the part in his first movie, Bear Island?
• broke his leg during a dance routine in the touring company of Cruel Tears?
• invented an inflatable hat (with best friend Norman Foote) shaped like the Vancouver Stadium Dome for The Grey Cup of 1983?

Yes, Jesus may have walked on water and turned water into wine, but Bruce Greenwood invented the inflatable hat. Jesus’ dad created the Earth; Bruce Greenwood’s great-grandfather discovered almucantar. I doubt the similarities end there. Additionally, Bruce Greenwood’s bare chest cures depression.  Witness:

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Today we’ve got the new trailer for Dinner for Schmucks.  I’ll be honest: the concept (Paul Rudd has to bring a dork to dinner so his bosses can make fun of him) seems a little lame, but given the talent involved; Paul Rudd, Zach Galifianakis, Steve Carell,  Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords, Ron Livingston, Larry Wilmore from the Daily Show, and BRUCE F*CKING GREENWOOD; I’d watch them do anything, even kill my mother.  With the stacked roster, it’s almost like Valentine’s Day but for comedy, and not an Al-Qaeda recruitment video.

If the movie is half as good as these screencaps, I’m sold.

[High-res at Apple, hat tip: ScreenJunkies]

While Dinner for Schmucks might sound like a bad high-concept premise — guy has to find a schmuck so he can impress his boss at their annual make-fun-of-schmucks dinner — from a borderline director — Jay Roach of the Austin Powers and Meet the Parents movies — it also has one of the best casts ever assembled: Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Zach Galifianakis, and our lord and savior The question is, will the awesome cast outweigh the sort of lame premise which sports no less than five credited screenwriters?

The film is a remake of the french comedy film Le Diner de Cons. The movie co-stars Ron Livingston, Bruce Greenwood, Jemaine Clement, Stephanie Szostak, Jeff Dunham, Rick Overton, and Zach Galifianakis. [via /Film]

Yes, YES! Yes, huh? NO! maybe, yes.  Honestly, I just want to see the movie where Bruce Greenwood finishes washing that horse, is that so much to ask?

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