Though it was actually in 2007, it feels like it was only yesterday that we discovered Bruce Greenwood’s “intricate interpretation” of the “aching vulnerability” in the portrayal of even his most discromulent characters (he also invented an inflatable hat).  Of course, when you’re a Christ-like figure beloved in all corners of the globe like Bruce Greenwood, there are bound to be pretenders, and it seems one of them is none other than Corbin Bernsen (BERNSEN!).  I mean, just listen to Bernsen’s IMDB profile and its pathetic attempts to make him seem more Greenwoodlian.

Rugged, hirsutely handsome Corbin Bernsen blazed to TV stardom in 1986 on “L.A. Law” (1986) as opportunistic divorce lawyer “Arnie Becker”, whose blond and brash good looks, impish grin and aggressive courting style proved a wild sex magnet to not only the beautiful female clients desirous of his “services”, but his own lovelorn secretary who frequently bailed him out of trouble.

“Hirsute” means hairy, and Corbin Bernsen is bald and clean shaven.  So whoever wrote “hirsutely handsome”… must’ve been staring at his chest.  That actually makes complete sense.

Bernsen invested the Becker character with a likable “bad boy” charm that made him a favorite among the tight ensemble for eight solid seasons. In the process, he earned multiple Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. He also proved the role was no flash-in-the-pan or dead-end stereotype, maintaining a steady career over the course of three decades now with no signs of let up. Moreover, his deep love for acting and intent devotion to his career recently impelled him to climb into the producer/director’s chair.

Oh God, your tight ensemble is gettin me all hot.  Quick, climb in my director’s chair!

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Do you know what today is? That’s right, today is the 54th birthday of National Treasure star and National Treasure Bruce Greenwood.  Calling Bruce Greenwood an “actor” is like calling Jesus Christ a guy with a beard, and though we celebrate the anniversary of his birth, his physical age is largely irrelevant as he is immortal.  On this date each year, it’s customary for us to bathe in the sacred waters of Quebec’s Lake Osisko near the place where Bruce Greenwood first appeared on Earth, in order to absolve ourselves of any physical imperfections.  Then we stand at the water’s edge, clearing our throats heavenward and giving each other the firm, friendly pats on the backside of the Greenwood brotherhood, and exchange framed headshots of our spiritual leader.

A day such as this is also the perfect time to re-read some passages from (now sadly defunct) first book of BruceGreenwood.com:

Did you know that Bruce Greenwood:

• is left handed?
• had the nickname “Greendog” while growing up?
• has a grandmother from Edinburgh and his great-grandfather was the Royal Astronomer for Scotland, who helped discover the almucantar?
• watched television rarely as a child since it was rationed and he saved up his half-hours to view Wide World of Sports on weekends?
• dislikes scarey films and – as a child – was even frightened by the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz?
• lost a front tooth in a tussle some years ago and cheerfully removed it for his part in The Sweet Hereafter?
• lived on his own after Switzerland exploring the European ski circuit?
• was supplementing his theatrical career with a job in a chemical factory when he unexpectedly got the part in his first movie, Bear Island?
• broke his leg during a dance routine in the touring company of Cruel Tears?
• invented an inflatable hat (with best friend Norman Foote) shaped like the Vancouver Stadium Dome for The Grey Cup of 1983?

Yes, Jesus may have walked on water and turned water into wine, but Bruce Greenwood invented the inflatable hat. Jesus’ dad created the Earth; Bruce Greenwood’s great-grandfather discovered almucantar. I doubt the similarities end there. Additionally, Bruce Greenwood’s bare chest cures depression.  Witness:

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Today we’ve got the new trailer for Dinner for Schmucks.  I’ll be honest: the concept (Paul Rudd has to bring a dork to dinner so his bosses can make fun of him) seems a little lame, but given the talent involved; Paul Rudd, Zach Galifianakis, Steve Carell,  Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords, Ron Livingston, Larry Wilmore from the Daily Show, and BRUCE F*CKING GREENWOOD; I’d watch them do anything, even kill my mother.  With the stacked roster, it’s almost like Valentine’s Day but for comedy, and not an Al-Qaeda recruitment video.

If the movie is half as good as these screencaps, I’m sold.

[High-res at Apple, hat tip: ScreenJunkies]

While Dinner for Schmucks might sound like a bad high-concept premise — guy has to find a schmuck so he can impress his boss at their annual make-fun-of-schmucks dinner — from a borderline director — Jay Roach of the Austin Powers and Meet the Parents movies — it also has one of the best casts ever assembled: Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Zach Galifianakis, and our lord and savior Bruce Greenwood forever and ever a-men.  The question is, will the awesome cast outweigh the sort of lame premise which sports no less than five credited screenwriters?

The film is a remake of the french comedy film Le Diner de Cons. The movie co-stars Ron Livingston, Bruce Greenwood, Jemaine Clement, Stephanie Szostak, Jeff Dunham, Rick Overton, and Zach Galifianakis. [via /Film]

Yes, YES! Yes, huh? NO! maybe, yes.  Honestly, I just want to see the movie where Bruce Greenwood finishes washing that horse, is that so much to ask?

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In a recent interview with MTV, Quentin Tarantino was asked if he’d ever been offered a comic-book franchise.   He revealed that one time, back in the day, presumably after a lengthy coke binge (haha, just kidding, clearly a guy who looks like this would never do cocaine), he was offered the Green Lantern.

“I was offered the ‘Green Lantern,’ ” Tarantino told MTV News. “Not since it’s been a script, but just like, ‘Hey we own the ‘Green Lantern.’ Would you like it?’”

Tarantino said there was a time in his 20s, while working at a video store, when all he wanted to see were comic book movies.  “So there’s a little part of me that’s like, ‘Wow, if I was in my 20s, this would be the genre I’d want to specialize in,” he said. “But they weren’t making them then, or at least not the right ones. But there also is an aspect where I’ve kind of outgrown that a little bit.”

Now that he’s in his 40s and has been making features since 1992′s “Reservoir Dogs,” the director says he’s no longer open to adapting any previously established franchise. What does get his creative juices flowing is the idea of exploring completely new superheroes and storylines.

“It wouldn’t be an existing comic book character,” he said. “I’m a writer. I’d want to use my imagination and not have to fight with geeks’ memories of how this character should be and, ‘Oh, I cast an actor as opposed to a bodybuilder’ or it’s not as good as the way [DC Comics artist] Neal Adams drew him.’ If I were to do something like that, I would want the fun of coming up with the superhero myself.”

It’s hard to imagine these days, when Ridley Scott entertains offers to direct a Monopoly movie and the studios can get respectable writers to work on Bazooka Joe, but it’s nice to know that once upon a time, “Hey, you just wrote and directed the most influential film of the 90s, you wanna do this movie about a magic ring?” was an unreasonable request.  The only superhero movie I want to see is the one about Bruce Greenwood, the hero created by God himself.  That horse feels so inadequate right now.

[thanks to Dieneke for the tip]