Nic Cage is suing Kathleen Turner for libel in London over allegations in her autobiography about his behavior on the set of Peggy Sue Got Married.  Among the allegations:

"Another co-star who left a lot to be desired was Nicolas Cage, who played my boyfriend and husband in Peggy Sue Got Married.  He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He’d come across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”

God forbid she make him sound fun.  But wait, why is he suing in London?

British libel law differs dramatically from US libel law in that in Britain, the burden of proof lies not upon the plaintiff to demonstrate a libel, but upon the defendant to show that what is written is truthful or has "justification". Almost uniquely in British law, there is no need for a plaintiff to actively prove that a defendant is "in the wrong". Nor is there a requirement to prove malice. …Libel cases are still typically pursued mainly by the wealthy. [Source]

Neither of them are British, so how does that work – you just sue someone in whatever country’s easiest now?  In related news, I’m suing Jerry Bruckheimer in Botswana for shrinking my penis with his dreams.  The penalty is death by stoning.  And his chances aren’t looking good because I’ve gone to the trouble of buying a goat for everyone on the jury, which is perfectly legal in Botswana.  You can read about this and more in my upcoming book, "Africa: What the Fuck are They Thinking?"

Earlier this week, Sly Stallone signed a deal to star and produce a couple of action flicks, and one is said to be a remake of The Mechanic, a Charles Bronson flick from 1972.

The original film revolved around an aging hitman (played by Bronson, and now Stallone) who befriends a young man that wants to become a professional killer. [Cinematical]

He’s reportedly considering Ryan Gosling, Ben Foster, Cillian Murphy and Elijah Wood to co-star.

Meanwhile IMDB says the remake will be "totally reimagined as a spy thriller in a post 9/11 world."  Now there’s a complicated way of saying a whole lot of nothing.  The plot of a 1972 movie transposed to the present day?? OMG I’ve got to totally reimagine this!  I think that’s what happened to Stallone – the stress of reimagination caused his veins to explode out of his skin. More freaky pictures here. 

I imagined what his boner must look like because I just couldn’t help myself and I literally died on the inside.  Once when I was driving, I ran over a dead coyote that was badly decomposed and for like a week afterwards, outside the car I could still smell it just from the tires.  I imagine that’s what Stallone’s ejaculate smells like.  [Thanks to RoboPando for the tip] 

Sly Stallone says he used HGH (Human Growth Hormone) to help him get buff for Rambo and he thinks there’s nothing wrong with that.

“HGH (human growth hormone) is nothing,” the 61-year-old actor tells Time magazine in its Feb. 4 issue. “Anyone who calls it a steroid is grossly misinformed.”

Indeed.  I don’t think the doctors would dispute you on that one.

“Testosterone [which is a steroid] to me is so important for a sense of well-being when you get older,” he says. “Everyone over 40 years old would be wise to investigate it because it increases the quality of your life. Mark my words. In 10 years it will be over the counter.”

Stallone added, “Until then, I’ll have to keep buying it from a Mexican on the internet.  He’s wearing a stethoscope in his picture!”  When pressed further, Stallone pulled the reporter’s arms off.

As her screaming subsided and the blood pooled on the floor, my mind repeated a familiar refrain, “When you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin’.”

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Scroll down for the news, but first, this video from The Rock may remind you of something…

National Treasure 2: You’re Really Watching This? Do You Not Remember the First One?, has an extended trailer that just went online today.

It’s a brilliant showcase for both Nic Cage’s terrifying forehead (I think his original hairline is down around the small of his back these days), and Jerry Suckheimer’s patented brand of chase scenes + "comic" relief.  HAHA! OMG, the dog’s licking the car, LOL!   

It’s also a pretty good showcase for Mercedes, for whom Bruckheimer claims he’s not shilling.

Two of the automaker’s models were used in high-profile chase scenes for the Disney sequel, and the company did not have to pay anything for the exposure. By contrast, General Motors spent millions on TV spots and other media to support its vehicles’ starring roles in "Transformers" during the summer. [Yahoo/Hollywood Reporter]

I see how it is, bilk the hardworking American automaker while the krauts get comped.  You heard it here, folks, Jerry Bruckheimer is a nazi sympathizer.

Ahh, sometimes the headlines just write themselves… 

Dark City (…and I, Robot) director Alex Proyas has brought Nic "The Clay Coppola" Cage on for his upcoming project, Knowing.

Cage will play a teacher who examines the contents of a time capsule unearthed at his son’s elementary school. Startling predictions in the time capsule that have already come true lead him to believe the world is going to end at the close of the week and that he and his son are somehow involved in the destruction.

Does this sound like a slightly de-lameified Bruckheimer project to anyone else?  Just change “teacher” to archeologist, “elementary school” to say, UN building, and end of the world to, I dunno, assassination of the prime minister. 

Anyway I liked Knowing better when it was set in biblical times.  It begat much sexiness.