I never knew I could love from afar until I read those beautiful words clacked out in a sexy fury by one Rebecca Martinson, who famously, righteously promised to c*ntpunt any of her DG sisters who continued to act like goddamn boners. Her words, her gorgeous, gorgeous words. Between her email and her now-defunct Twitter account, she won many admirers around these parts, but notably not among them, unfortunately, was the rest of her chapter, who are LITERALLY so f*cking AWKWARD and f*cking BORING that they couldn’t appreciate a little publicity. NEWSFLASH, YOU F*CKING COCKS, this makes me really sad. In all seriousness.

The mean-girl sorority rant read round the world has taken a somewhat predictable turn, with Delta Gamma president Rebecca Martinson “resigning” from her sorority Wednesday because of her profanity-laced, media-frenzy inducing email.

“Delta Gamma has accepted the resignation of one of its members whose email relating to a social event has been widely distributed and publicized through social media and traditional media channels. The tone and content of the email was highly inappropriate and unacceptable by any standard,” read Wednesday’s announcement on the University of Maryland sorority’s Facebook page. “All reasonable people can agree, this is an email that should never have been sent.” Further, Delta Gamma now considers the matter “closed.” [Yahoo]

I’m a reasonable person, and I disagree. Furthermore, I have a dream. A dream that someday, people like me will be able to share hilarious emails like this one with all of our cyber friends, and spend weeks quoting its content, without the fear that we’re ruining that person’s life. A dream that one day, brilliant wordsmiths like Rebecca will be able to beautify the world with their prose, without having the things they love ripped away from them by inherently conformist organizations full of scared, fat-circling bitches who wouldn’t know art if it punted them in the c*nt. People like Rebecca were only trying to help. Alas, today, my dream ’tis but a dream.

(*pours jungle juice out on the ground*)

HEY, DOZER, DATE RAPE DEREK, BLACK STEVE! THIS JUNGLE JUICE BETTER BE CLEANED OFF MY FLOOR BEFORE THE CHI-O PLANTATION FORMAL TONIGHT OR SO HELP ME WE’LL DING YOUR WHOLE PLEDGE CLASS! The actives are pissed, bros.

I’m gonna miss this girl, bro. Gonna miss her like Blowjob Stacey, RIP.

By now you’ve probably heard about the email a Maryland Delta Gamma named Rebecca sent her sorority sisters that Drew broke over at Deadspin last week. Rebecca truly has a way with words, and it was only through her letter that I discovered the path to my heart is paved with “cunt punts” and calling your friends a bunch of goddamn boners (*swoon*). If Burnsy and I’s fratboy alter-ego has a chapter, Rebecca would definitely by its sweetheart (RIP, Blowjob Stacey). Anyway, Funny or Die recently conscripted Michael Shannon to do a dramatic reading of the email, imbuing it with the menace that only General Zod/Nelson Van Alden could bring.

You can never have too much Michael Shannon, though it should be said, Alison Haislip already beat them to the punch:

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Bros! Me and Spinach and Sandles and Black Steve were just over at campus stealing trash cans to fill with Grandma’s for tonight’s charity ghetto-themed MLK BBQ for the battered women’s shelter, when, just as I was mad-dogging those Teak fags for stealing our pumpkins, I got a text from Asian Steve about a new Hangover III trailer! The wolfpack is back, bros! So tight! So we all jumped in Spinach’s mom’s Range Rover and hightailed it over to the Peet’s Coffee where Lacey Fingerbang works to watch it on Sandles’ Macbook. Spinach was being a total bitch about us wearing shoes in his car, but we told him suck it, your dad’s a CFO, he can get it reupholstered any time he wants, just like when Date Rape Dave bled all over the back after bid night, RIP. And bro, the new trailer is TIGHT AS HELL. Alan’s off his meds, so the bros have to do an intervention, just like the time Pete the Meat tried to talk Pip out of doing those whippets but he was so butthoused on Oxy’s he fell out a window. But then, halfway there, John Goodman and a bunch of dudes in pig masks show up to kidnap all of them! He says he’s looking for “Leslie Chow,” which is like hilarious, because how’s a Chinese bro even gonna pronounce “Leslie?” And then he’s like “I need some righteous bros to catch this nub-dicked hater and the only ones who can do it are the Wolfpack because they party super hard.”

Rad, right? Like, he knows them all by name now because they’re world famous partiers for getting butthoused and wrecking shit all the time, just like when that Persian tri-delt’s lawyers called us “the wrecking crew” after Boner Brendan threw her couch onto that cop car.

Yo, but so they need to, like, get Doug back, right? Because continuity of the trilogy and bullsh*t like that. But Chow keeps getting away because he’s TOTAL DICK, bro, like that adjunct prof we had who wouldn’t accept massive blue balls as a medical emerge (RIP, Blowjob Stacey). So they meet up with that Melissa Brendan McCarthy chick and I think something’s gonna happen between her and Alan, because they’re yelling at that house mom pretty harsh. Plus, you know that chick gives great head. Whatever, your little bro knows what I’m f*cking talking about!

Anyway, you gonna buy these Klonopins or not? Because otherwise I have to put them back in my mom’s medicine cabinet.

[Thanks to my broiest bro Burnsy for collaborating on this. Opens May 24th]

Bros! Dust off your dicks and go pick up Spinach from the emergency room in Chopstick’s mom’s Benz! Unstrap your 40 hands and cancel the charity slave auction, because the Hangover 3 has a trailer! You fags better sack up and watch it right now. We didn’t haze Baloney Pete to death last spring after Anchor Slosh for you to act like a bunch of pussies! I’m serious, bro, the actives are pissed.

This time around, there’s no weddings or bachelor parties, the Wolfbros are just back in Vegas to burn it to the ground, just like fat Steve when he got us disinvited to Tri-Delt’s Robin Hood party and fingerblasted that Persian skank dressed like Will Scarlett. Ken Jeong’s back again too, even though those dudes barely knew him and this seems like a crazy coincidence. And he’s acting all crazy and causing trouble again, like Gay Malaysian Steve when he fell through the skylight at Pike Tequila Formal. I told you bros we shoulda dinged that guy, but did anyone listen? No. Anyway, remember when Snotrocket’s cousin got us that mini potbelly pig and we named him Beefcake and those Pi Phi sluts painted his hoofs pink? This is just like that, except Ken Jeong has a pet turkey or some sh*t and Alan buys a giraffe. F*cking crazy, right?! It’s like where do they even sell giraffes. First a tiger, then a monkey, now a hawk and a giraffe. It’s like they’ve got the Entourage bros writing this or something. By the way, Potato’s cousin swears he got to second base with Adrien Grenier’s sister in middle school, but he’s also the biggest coke dealer in Tucson so take that with a grain of salt. Oh wait, IMDB says it’s written by Craig Mazin, that douche from the movie with the fattie. Whatever. Anyway, I’m stoked Heather Graham is back for this one. One time Skidmark caught me knocking one out to Roller Girl after Cinco De Chi-O and he tried to get pissed but I was like “flip-flop under the door, bro, do not disturb” and he couldn’t say sh*t. Anyway, this is gonna be so sick. We should mix up a batch of grandma’s and get butthoused before we go.

Bros, I feel like I’ve been dreaming about this day ever since Andrea Fingerblast ski-poled Flapjacks and me after the Chi O slave auction in the back of Steve L’s mom’s beamer on the way to pledge retreat, and now it’s finally here: Entourage is getting a movie. It’s a pretty personal story for me. I still remember I was wearing the limited edition And 1 kicks Turtle designed the day I found out we hazed Spinach to death after Kamikaze. I’m pretty emotional right now. RIP, Spinach.

From Deadline:

Warner Bros has tonight given the green light on a movie version of Entourage. The film will be directed by series creator Doug Ellin, who wrote the screenplay and who exec produced the series with Mark Wahlberg and Stephen Levinson. Deals are starting to be made with Adrian Grenier, who played Chase, Kevin Connolly, who played his manager Eric “E” Murphy, Kevin Dillon, who played the actor’s brother Johnny Drama, Jerry Ferrara, who played their entrepreneurial driver Turtle, and Jeremy Piven,

That’s about as far as the studio has gotten at this point, and there is no start date. I for one loved the series ending, in which Ari finally gave up his career and pledged his devotion to his long suffering gorgeous wife (Perry Reeves), only to get a last minute phone call offering him his dream job of running a film studio, knowing he’ll lose her if he says yes. Love to see how Ari negotiates himself out of that hell. Did I mention that I watched that show from start to finish, and miss it terribly?

While some naysayers might start in that an HBO transfer to film has no shot, the first Sex And The City did pretty well. For me, I can only think of one word to describe this development. Victory!!!!

See, bros? I’m glad Mike Fleming got a job at Deadline, but this is why he didn’t get a bid and Underpants Tony did. I mean we all know there’s a difference between being a down-ass bro and being a lurky creepenstein who makes all the clam slam shut. As Fat Dave my grand big always said, we need pledges, not stalkers – no homo. Anyway, I was all ready to take a grandma’s funnel to the dome after hearing this news like Stinkeye before he got tazed by the cops after Paddy’s, but then my bro Burnsy was all, “slow down, bro: are we sure this is really a good thing?”

At first I thought Burnsy was just being a f*g, but then it really got me to thinking, and he was holding the hookah so I thought we should hear him out:

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