CAN WE SHOOT THIS FIVE YEARS AGO?

Just yesterday it was rumored that Marvel plans to bring adaptations of their “third-tier” characters to the big screen, with smaller budgets of $20-40 million.  Today, the always accurate MTV UK (note: I have no idea whether MTV UK is accurate) brings the news, accompanied by a question mark in the headline, that Vanessa Hudgens is in talks to play Spider Woman.  I’d never heard of that character because I’m not a huge nerd, but apparently it is one, and not just a nickname for my stepmom.

A movie insider [ooh, a movie insider, you say?] stated: “The idea is for this to be a fun, comedic movie and Vanessa is perfect for the title role,”
They added: “Spider Woman is strong and sexy but in this case hilarious.Vanessa is apparently very interested in the idea.”

Well sure, that sounds like something that’s plausible. Which is almost the same as news.   But anyway, it is true that when I think “comedy”, I think “the 21-year-old girl from High School Musical who sent pictures of her P to Zac Efron.”  I can’t imagine a more gifted comedienne, really.  However, and this is a good rule of thumb, as a girl, your vag should never be hairier than your boyfriend’s chest.

ScarJo hilariously mimics the back of Kurt's skull coming off in a shotgun blast

The rumor that Robert Pattinson would play Kurt Cobain in a new biopic from David Fincher (and that Courtney Love wants ScarJo to play her) was enough to make “Robert Pattinson” and “Kurt Cobain” trending topics on Twitter (the new, internationally-recognized barometer for buzz).  However, before you read this ridiculous story, keep in mind that it comes from The Sun, who also said Eddie Murphy would play The Riddler and Megan Fox narrowly beat out Cher to play Catwoman.  Says the Sun now:

R-Patz has been in regular contact with Kurt’s widow COURTNEY LOVE, who has been handed a key role in the production by bosses at Universal Pictures. The HOLE singer wanted R-Patz as Kurt and SCARLETT JOHANSSON to portray her. My graphics team have mocked up Rob and Scarlett as the hellraising pair.

A source said: “This is a big money deal for Courtney. “She has agreed to the film on condition that she gets to decide the main aspects of the project including director, casting, screenplay and music. “Robert has been calling and emailing her non-stop. She has been a bit wound up by his manners, but he is her number one choice to play Kurt. “She is adamant Scarlett will play her. Scarlett is friendly with FRANCES BEAN, her daughter with Kurt.”
Courtney has been in touch with director DAVID FINCHER about the project, which has the working title All Apologies. A few years ago Sony Pictures were told to sling their hook by Courtney when they floated the idea of ZAC EFRON as Kurt, while Frances Bean would play her mum.

I like how they threw in Zac Efron as an afterthought in case the Robert Pattinson story wasn’t enough to get people interested in their stupid story.  That’s their picture, by the way, I’m much better at Photoshop than that.  In case you were wondering, there is a Kurt Cobain biopic in the works with Courtney Love’s cooperation, but it’s called Heavier Than Heaven and it currently has Oren Moverman attached to direct. Also, what in the sweet f*ck does “told them to sling their hook” mean?  Do British people insult you by subtly implying that you’re Batman?  Oi, bugga me norks, guvna, but you kin stick it in ya youtilla-ee behwt.

The Daily Mail reports that Catherine Zeta-Jones is “desperate” to play singing cat-lady Susan Boyle in a movie about her life.  And you know it’s a serious story because they’ve made a Catherine Zeta-Boyle picture in photoshop.

Miss Zeta-Jones, 39, has apparently asked about the film rights to the singer’s life story and sensational appearance on Britain’s Got Talent.  It is believed that Oscar-winning film director James Cameron, who was behind Titanic, has expressed an interest in a similar project.

Oh, British press, you always have to take it a step too far, don’t you?  I could’ve believed Catherine Zeta-Jones.  It would’ve been like an Us Magazine, stars-are-just-like-us story.  Catherine Zeta-Jones emailed the Susan Boyle clip to everyone she knows!  She’s just like your mom! But then you had to go randomly pick names out of the hat, and you got… the guy from Terminator 2? It’s bad enough they lie, they’re not even good liars.  If a Susan Boyle movie goes anywhere, it will be the Lifetime network.  I’ve never seen a phenomenon go from excitement to just-stop-already faster than this one.  It’s a lot like my lovemaking.  Call me, cat ladies.

Let me preface this story by saying that by all credible accounts, Chris Nolan still hasn’t officially signed on for a Dark Knight sequel, so all casting rumors at this stage could only turn out to be true by sheer coincidence.  Now that that’s out of the way, let’s all bask in the glow of The Sun, who truly deserve a Pulitzer in unapologetic bullshitting.

FUNNYMAN EDDIE MURPHY will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal.  The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN to reprise the role played by JIM CARREY in 1995’s Batman Forever.  The surprise move follows speculation linking Pirates of the Caribbean star JOHNNY DEPP to the part.

They don’t even use “may” or “an insider tells us.” They’re just that sure.

The film, set for a 2010 release, is being developed under the working title Gotham.
Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star SHIA LABEOUF, 22, to play Robin.
CHRISTIAN BALE will return as Bruce Wayne, while MICHAEL CAINE will again play Bruce’s assistant Alfred.
Meanwhile, Brit RACHEL WEISZ is said to be up for the Catwoman role.
Insiders also revealed to The Sun the flick will end on a cliffhanger over whether Batman survives a blast at Wayne Towers.

…And in the FOURTH SCENE, sources say ROBOCOP RIDING A UNICORN will face an epic battle with the PATRICK SWAYZE CENTAUR.   Simply breathtaking.  The depth and breadth of their fake knowledge knows no bounds.  Do you think there’s a meeting where they decide how many made up facts to use? Also, they once again use an obviously photoshopped picture to accompany the story, but if you try to right-click and save it, you get a copyright no-use-without-permission notice.  Really?  You’re claiming a copyright on Eddie Murphy with white hands?  I can’t decide whether to be insulted or to admire them for their balls.  Let’s go with insulted.  Last time I tried to admire a guy’s balls he misinterpreted it and was really just unpleasant about the whole thing.