After the jump, I’ve got the new red-band trailer for Attack the Block (“Inner City vs. Outer Space”), a British comedy about an alien invasion that strikes a group of adorably British street toughs in South London (they make up for their lack of guns with rhyming slang).  Directed by Joe Cornish and executive produced by Edgar Wright, it’s been playing to rave reviews among film dorks and finally hits the US (in limited release) July 29th.  If you read my Super 8 review, you probably know that I’m not the best audience for cutesy kid humor and campy aliens (which fanboys love), but I am kind of gay for Edgar Wright and awesome sideways brohawk haircuts. The first time I called it that, someone told me it’s actually called a “Gumby,” but shut up, I like sideways brohawk better.

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Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones actor Sean Bean has made a fine career out of looking like a guy who knows his way around a sword, but you know what they say, live by the sword, get stabbed in a bar fight by a drunk who insults your slutty girlfriend.  I think it was Martin Luther King who said that.

The row began when Mr Bean, 52, and April Summers – a glamour model who is 30 years his junior who had gone to the bar in North West London with him – were standing outside, having a cigarette.
Miss Summers – whose real name the Daily Mail understands is Nadia Foster – lives close to Mr Bean in the same area.
According to witnesses, a passer-by then made lewd comments about Miss Summers, a topless model who has appeared in a number of UK lads’ magazines as well as the Italian edition of Playboy.
As a result, Mr Bean followed the man down the road to challenge him.
Later in the evening, Mr Bean went out for another cigarette and was then  attacked by a man.
The star was said to have been stabbed in the arm – believed to be with a broken glass – and punched in the face, according to witnesses. Police were then called.
Mr Bean was said to have a cut arm and a bruised face, according to witnesses.
Bean declined to attend hospital. Instead, the star walked back into the bar and, after staff gave him aid from a first aid kit, ordered another drink.
‘He came in with a cut on his arm and a bruise on his eyebrow. We saw to his injuries with the first aid kit. He seemed ok and wanted to have another drink.’ [DailyMail]

A topless model, a bar fight, a guy who gets stabbed with a broken bottle and keeps drinkin’… I’ve never been, but based on this, I can’t help but conclude that London is exactly like a Jason Statham movie.  I hope Boromir kicked this guy’s ass while answering his own rhetorical sentences.  “Bloody hew, it appeahs dis cont ‘as stabbed me wiff a fractshewd grog bottew, now ‘asn’t ‘e.  Seems Oy ‘as got no choice but to smash him, do Oy, Tommy.”

…Yeah, yeah, I know you didn’t read anything after “Topless Model”. Daddy’s got you covered.

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Before I begin, I just want to clarify, that this is NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S GAG. REPEAT: THIS IS A REAL STORY. I can’t say with 100% certainty that I’m not being F’d with, but I can tell you that the source for this is a BBC story from three days ago (corroborated by Broadway.com yesterday), and from what I can tell, it’s legit.  Now then.  Are you ready for this?  Vanilla Ice will be playing Captain Hook in a British pantomime show of Peter Pan.  Yes, Vanilla Ice.  Peter Pan.  And this news comes less than a month after reports of Channing Tatum’s Peter Pan origin story.   My God, the synergy.

Rapper Vanilla Ice will make his panto debut at a Kent theatre. The 1990s star, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle, will play Captain Hook in a production of Peter Pan at the Central Theatre in Chatham.
Ice, whose biggest hit was 1991′s Ice Ice Baby, recently starred as a contestant on ITV1′s Dancing on Ice.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Tony Hill, the theatre’s general manager, said: “Ice is a huge name who I am sure will be a real draw for parents and children alike.”

…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

He added: “(He) has never performed in a pantomime before, but I am sure that he will go down as a hit.” [BBC via ThisGuy]

(*signs Vanilla Ice to play Captain Hook *) THIS COULD BE MY FINEST WORK!!!

At first I thought they were calling it “panto” to make being a mime sound cool again. Like, someone would walk in going, “Huh, ‘panto,’ I wonder what that is– *curtains go up* OH WHAT THE F*CK!?!?”  But apparently it’s actually a form of British theater:

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Just weeks after The King’s Speech took home seven BAFTAs including Most British, it became the subject of controversy when it was discovered that the set where Colin Firth received his unorthodox training at the hands of unlikely mentor Geoffrey Rush had been previously used to film gay porn.  Some of the King’s Speech crew even say the set was haunted with mysterious sounds of dudes cornholing.

The set of an Oscar-nominated costume drama may seem high-falutin for a porn shoot, but you know what they say, gays be interior decoratin’.  In gay porn, it’s very important that the carpet match the drapes, but not in the way we normally think of in straight porn.  Anyway, I’d love to make a joke here, but there’s no way I’m doing better than Queerclick, who provided the side-by-side photographs:

Could Mr. Firth smell earthy chode rubbings mucking the arms of the furniture? Did Ms. Carter feel the sweaty undulations dripped onto the rotting walls of their decrepit hideaway? Did Mr. Rush taste the faint hint of semen and man-p*ssy in the air and think, “Ahhhhh! History!”? We may never know the answers to these deeply artistic questions. But we will tell you what we do know. That UK Naked Men filmed at least a jerk-off if not a major rimming and man-f*ck scene in the same room as this Oscar Award nominated piece of high cinema! Both film makers should make note of it in their promotional materials. [via Queerclick (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T CLICK THIS. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE SEEN.)]

Earthy. Chode. Rubbings. …Stunning. Sassy and gay + literate and British, my God it’s a match made in comedy heaven.

Daniel Radcliffe shirtless in a bra? Yes, Google, it's true.

I sort of dismissed Harry Potter movies as not my cup of tea a few years ago, but based on this new TV spot for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, perhaps I was wrong. Er, premature.  The sheer bra is cute.  But I wonder: couldn’t the choker be tighter?  LOOK OUT HARRY, THERE’S A GINGER BEHIND YOU!  MOTHER OF GOD, THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

Guh. British people.  Cross dressing is their solution to everything.

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