Stretch Armstrong is SO not impressed with the Human Torch's flaming ability

Well this is some shocking news.  When the studio hired Steve Oedekerk (Evan Almighty, Barnyard, Patch Adams) to write their Taylor Lautner-starring Stretch Armstrong 3D movie, I naturally assumed he’d be the last writer they’d ever need.  I mean, come on, Evan Almighty!  Bizarrely, they felt a rewrite of Oedekerk’s script was in order, so they hired Forgetting Sarah Marshall director Nicholas Stoller.  They also hired Monsters Vs. Aliens director Rob Letterman (who’s currently working with Stoller on Gulliver’s Travels) to direct.  Brian Grazer will produce, along with Dickensian villains Brian Goldner and Bennet Schneir from Hasbro.

I don’t know what the hell Nick Stoller is doing rewriting a Stretch Armstrong movie starring Taylor Lautner, but hey, it’s a paycheck, I guess.  I supposed I’d liken the writer of Stretch Armstrong to the person you’d hire to scrub semen off the booths at a peep show.  At the beginning, you hire some retarded kid, someone who doesn’t know any better, to soak up those really big, encrusted glops of jizz (the retarded jizz-glop-soaker in Stretch Armstrong‘s case being Steve Oedekerk). Once that part’s done, say you want to sell the place or whatever, then you can spend a little more money on a professional detailer like Nick Stoller.  He’s probably still gonna get a little spunk residue on his sponge (unless you found a really good retard, like a hybrid autistic retard, say), and it’s not something he’ll want to put on his resume… But hey, the economy, am I right?

[via ComingSoon]

(Paul Blart, Sassy Ostrich’s favorite movie)

Vince Vaughn made his slow slide towards not giving a shit anymore official today when Kevin James was announced as his co-star in a buddy comedy.  The move comes after a history of showing up looking hungover and a few years of doing one terrible Christmas movie a year and spending the other 10 months dicking around.

Kevin James is in negotiations to star opposite Vince Vaughn in Universal’s untitled cheating project.  The project, which sees Ron Howard directing a screenplay from Allan Loeb [21, Things We Lost in a Fire], follows a man (Vaughn) who learns that his best friend’s wife is cheating and must then navigate treacherous waters to decide what do with that knowledge. James is playing the best friend.  Imagine’s Brian Grazer, who came up with the idea, is producing with Vaughn, who produced via his Wild West Picture Show Prods. [THR]

Kevin James says something innocuous at dinner.  Vince Vaughn interprets it as a sexual double entendre and chokes on his food.  Kevin James: “Are you okay?”  Kevin James’ wife kicks Vaughn in the shin under the table.  *Spit take* Aaaaand scene.

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(Best part of Vince Vaughn in this picture? I’m currently wearing those exact pants. And I rarely wear pants.  What am I, a stock broker?)

Vince Vaughn has signed on to star in a movie from director Ron Howard, based on an idea from producing partner Brian Grazer, who presumably came up with it after staying up for four days  smoking meth off a lightbulb and putting more gel in his hair.  You know, I imagine.

Allan Loeb (21) wrote the currently untitled script, which would go before cameras in the spring. The story follows a man who learns that his best friend’s wife is cheating and must then navigate treacherous waters to decide what do with that knowledge.
The project is said to continue Vaughn’s interest of tackling the dark areas of relationships, which he did with “The Break-Up” and, to a lesser extent, “Couples Retreat,” which ended up leaving its darker moments on the editing room floor. [THR]

The guy we all loved in Wedding Crashers has been lazily half showing up to collect paychecks for the last few years, and Ron Howard is an infamous cornball, but his best work has always been on comedies (Parenthood, Arrested Development, EdTV).  Also, 21 was effing terrible.  I think a better idea would be an Odd Couple story about Brian Grazer and Vince Vaughn.  Vaughn could roll out of bed at 3 pm and smoke a cigarette, only to find Brian Grazer just staring at him.  “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up since 6 am!  I wanted you to know our house has 8,753 bathroom tiles!  Also, I picked a nostril scab that looks Ernest Borgnine!”

(Hef pickup line: “Does that kitty drink powdered milk?”)

I’ve fiddled with various ways to introduce this story for about 40 minutes now, but the long and short of it is that Hugh Hefner recently said on Twitter that he was meeting with Diablo Cody about the Playboy/Hugh Hefner biopic movie:

“Meeting with Diablo Cody to talk about the Brian Grazer Playboy film today.”

Aaand that’s pretty much all we know.  At one point, Brett Ratner was set to direct this project, but with Youngblood (the comic book), Beverly Hills Cop 4, and a big cheesy pile of nachos bellgrande currently on his plate, that’s probably not going to happen.  Diablo Cody is an avid Twitterer herself, and though she’s said plenty about buying Hanes underwear and reactions to ‘J-Bod’, she says nothing of a Playboy movie.  So does this mean Diablo Cody is going to write the script for the Playboy movie?  Maybe.  Or maybe Hef just wanted her to read it.  Or maybe he needed some zingers about Brian Grazer’s hair.  But whatever they discussed, I’m sure the room smelled like Thai food.

[via Cinematical]

I’m doing all I can to bring shame and humiliation to anyone who participates in this retarded campaign by Hasbro to make movies out of all their dumb toys, but alas, I’m only one man with a laptop and poop-stained underpants, and Hollywood people are giant whores.  The latest to prove he has no shame is super producer/dude-with-weird-hair Brian Grazer, who has signed on to produce Stretch Armstrong, which is being written by paragon of mediocrity Steve Oedekerk.

Universal also slotted “Armstrong” for release April 15, 2011, making it the first movie to be given the green light under the studio and toy company’s six-year strategic partnership.
“Stretch is an unconventional kind of superhero with a power that no one would want,” Grazer said. “It’s a story about a guy stretching, if you will, the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be.”

It’s a metaphor for the two thumbs I just jammed up my asshole, you see.