Man, the execs who thought this one up deserved to be held down while we all line up to hit them with socks filled with dog poop.  Universal has officially announced that Taylor Lautner will star in Stretch Armstrong 3D.  He’ll play “uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.”  In a script from Steve Oedekerk.  Great, I’m gonna have to throw away this computer after typing that.

“In the past two years, Taylor has emerged as a real star at the global box office. He brings the perfect balance of energy and athleticism to the role of an unlikely super hero with a fantastic super power,” said Universal co-chairman Donna Langley. [THR]

Keep in mind, Taylor Lautner’s global box office stardom is based on his role in Twilight, which had a built-in audience and required him to do nothing but stand around with his shirt off.  Meanwhile, Steve Oedekerk’s last script was for Evan Almighty, which earned $75 million less than its budget, domestically.  Hey, investors, I hope that stretching formula works on your butthole.

(Meet Retard Pig, Chief of Board Game Property Acquisitions at Sony)

Amazing.  After View-Master, Battleship, Candyland, and Monopoly were bought as movie properties, you’d think the people involved would be tarred, feathered, and exiled to Dr. Moreau’s Island O’ Dipsh-ts.  But this is Hollywood, so instead everyone copied them.  Like Sony, who just bought Risk, the game of world domination.

Property, which pits players against one another in a quest to annex all of the world’s territories, has become desirable thanks to the box office success of the Paramount adaptations of Hasbro’s Transformers and G.I. Joe.

Risk is like Transformers because…. uh… they’re both toys?  Kids play with them both?  By that logic, my penis is a video game.

“The strategic thinking and the tactical gambles that players must take in the game are what make Risk a classic, thoroughly engaging game,” said Columbia prexy Doug Belgrad. “Those elements translated into an action-packed, thrilling story are what will make this a uniquely exciting movie.” [Variety]

Here, I’ve got something for you to option.  It’s the word “adventure.”  This is a proven property that’s sure to be a great movie, all you have to do is write it.

Optioning board games as movie properties is the most idiotic trend since the Easter Island natives cut down all their trees to make giant head statues and had to eat each other.

Collider recently got the chance to talk to Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, the guy behind the idea to make movies out of boardgames. Put on your helmets, because it’s about to get stupid.  (*record scratch*)

“’Candy Land’ is not just about the board game.  If you really think about it, it’s an adventure that a kid goes on with his parents when they go across that board.”

F-ck yourself.

“’Monopoly’ has this wonderful history.  If you’ll remember, “Monopoly” was literally invented at The [Great] Depression, so that idea, this fiction that’s really there, this non-fiction fiction that’s really there in the game and in the fact that there’s such great roots to this brand and the history of the brand, we bring this to life with a story about families.”

F-ck yourself.

“Well Ridley did have an idea.  He grew up on “Monopoly” over in the UK and “Monopoly” is a brand that’s all over the world.  But for Ridley, he’s always been a guy that’s created these great big worlds and so for us, “Monopoly” is this great big world that will look like our world but of course there are certain things about it that make it uniquely a “Monopoly” kind-of-world.”

F-ck yourself.

“Oh, I’m not going to tell you quite yet but I will say that it’s everything you could imagine in a “Battleship” movie.  It’s really a phenomenal idea.” [via Collider, who also has the video]

The man is a geyser of stupid.

(The photoshopped sunglasses heard round the world)

There’s a rumor floating around the internet that Stephen Sommers was fired mid-way through shooting G.I. Joe (anyone who saw Van Helsing wouldn’t have hired him in the first place).  Here’s the original rumor, which came from this messageboard (sorry for all the words, I’ll edit as best I can):

After a test screening wherein the film tested the lowest score ever from an audience in the history of Paramount, the executive who pushed for the movie, Brad Weston, had Stephen Sommers, the super hack director fired. Removed. Locked out of the editing room.

Stuart Baird, a renowned “fixer” editor was brought it to try to see if it could be made releasable. Meanwhile producer Lorenzo [di Bonaventura] whose turkey IMAGINE THAT explodes this weekend as the new bomb in theatres (also championed by Weston) was told his services were no longer needed on the film either.

Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who turned down other offers from the property to go with the script that was rushed in 8 weeks by Stuart Beattie because of the writer’s strike is frantic that this will destroy the brand and is distancing himself from the pending catastrophe.

NONE of this needed to happen, except someone who did not know the mythology, Lorenzo was in charge of the film and never contradicted Sommers on anything. Lorenzo, was Chairman of Warners and had GI JOE under option there (not as a producer) for SEVEN years and he refused to greenlight the film, stating that because he grew up in Italy he had no knowledge of it. If you google enough, at one point you will see he wanted the film to be about an action hero named MANN (Action Man, get it) and he clearly had no clue what the GI Joe world really was.

LatinoReview just spoke with Di Bonaventura, who denies the story, which isn’t surprising considering the story kind of makes him look bad, and as anyone will tell you, Hollywood peoples’ number one motivator is to not look bad.  Other people are refuting the “tested low” part of the story, but when a movie tracking 13% on Rotten Tomatoes can supposedly test well, it just goes to show that maybe an audience full of unemployed extras isn’t the greatest indicator of… anything.  But the part that smells of BS to me is part where the CEO of Hasbro is supposedly embarrassed. This is the same guy producing a Candyland movie. This guy wouldn’t embarrassed of his daughter doing scheiss porn. Or worse, Danny Masterson.