Man, the execs who thought this one up deserved to be held down while we all line up to hit them with socks filled with dog poop. Universal has officially announced that Taylor Lautner will star in Stretch Armstrong 3D. He’ll play “uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.” In a script from Steve Oedekerk. Great, I’m gonna have to throw away this computer after typing that.
“In the past two years, Taylor has emerged as a real star at the global box office. He brings the perfect balance of energy and athleticism to the role of an unlikely super hero with a fantastic super power,” said Universal co-chairman Donna Langley. [THR]
Keep in mind, Taylor Lautner’s global box office stardom is based on his role in Twilight, which had a built-in audience and required him to do nothing but stand around with his shirt off. Meanwhile, Steve Oedekerk’s last script was for Evan Almighty, which earned $75 million less than its budget, domestically. Hey, investors, I hope that stretching formula works on your butthole.