I don’t know what to make of this Variety article, because it says “nothing is set in stone,” and some of the facty statements are prefaced by awesomely unattributable phrases like “it’s said,” but it seems to suggest that Paramount might shoot Transformers 4 and 5 back-to-back. No matter who said it, the fact that anyone might want to do that seems newsworthy in itself. Try to figure this out with me.

Hasbro chief Brian Goldner said during a Monday third-quarter earnings call that the toymaker is in “active discussions” with Paramount, Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg on how to move forward. Sources close to the planning process tell Variety two films could be headed into production.

Yes, an exec at a toy company is active in pre-production discussions for a film. Sad as that is, it’s even sadder that none of us are surprised.

Paramount is considering lensing its fourth and fifth films without pause. Nothing is set in stone, but screenwriter Ehren Kruger is said to have an idea for the next installments that the studio is high on, and has only begun engaging with writers.

And he wrote the second and third ones, so I’m sure this will be just as great.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s the trailer for “Michael Bay’s Angry Birds” that’s been going around for the last two days.  It already has more than two million views, because haha, wouldn’t it be great if Hollywood did something that stupid???  That’s just like them!  NO.  SHUT UP.  It’s not funny to do a parody of a pointless adaptation anymore, because no matter how stupid of a non-movie thing adaptation you dream up, it’s all but GUARANTEED that something TWICE AS STUPID is already ACTUALLY IN DEVELOPMENT.  For one thing, execs at Rovio, the makers of Angry Birds, were already meeting with Hollywood execs about a movie adaptation back in August.  So your facetious idea for an Angry Birds movie?  Yeah, it’s already being discussed.  Now shut up, you’re just encouraging them.

Further proving my point, the Hollywood Reporter today reports that the Candyland movie (!!!!) has picked up both a director, Kevin Lima of Enchanted, and writers Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Burger of Kung Fu Panda.  I’m going to post a block quote now. I hope the stupid isn’t contagious.

The board game, which was set up at Universal when it made its six-year deal with Hasbro in 2008, has a story centered around finding the lost king of Candy Land. The players wind their way through enchanted lands such as Candy Cane Forest and Gum Drop Mountain, see characters such as Princess Frostine and Gramma Nutt as well as the evil Lord Licorice who can make players lose a turn.

I hope Nic Cage plays the mysterious King of Candyland. They say he’s gone native. They eventually find him, sitting on a throne made of lolly skulls, surrounded by Gingerbread Peoples’ corpses hanging from trees like Candy Canes, wearing a rock candy helmet over his enormous skull.  “You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.”  Then C-Tates will do a pop and lock number intercut with a cow being slaughtered, it rains skittles, and everyone blows their brains out.

In the build-up to Terminator Salvation, McG was saying all the right things (actual quote: “It’s going to knock your f*ckin balls up your ass”).  He acknowledged that most people probably thought of him as the Charlie’s Angels guy, and the self-awareness he demonstrated almost had us believing that he was more than a one-named douche who used to direct Korn videos.  At least, until we actually saw the movie.  Fast-forward to today, and he’s through pretending to be more than a paycheck director.  A 90-minute commercial for a board game?  Long as the check clears, homey.

McG is the choice to direct Ouija, the Universal Pictures supernatural action adventure that will follow Battleship as the next Hasbro branded property to move into production. Scripted by Tron: Legacy writers Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, the film is being produced by Hasbro’s Brian Goldner and Bennett Schneir along with Platinum Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form. Production will begin by the summer, for release November 12, 2012. McG’s about to begin negotiations.

The big-scale movie has had directors circling it since October, after Universal  moved back the Rob Letterman-directed Taylor Lautner-attached Stretch Armstrong‘s start date, making Ouija the next Hasbro pic to follow Battleship, which opens May 18, 2012.

McG is in post-production on the Fox comedy This Means War, which stars Tom Hardy, Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine. |Deadline|

That’s right, Hollywood has doubled down on board game movies, all based on the idea that because Transformers was a hit, and it was based on a toy, than why not other toy movies?  Fool proof logic!!  QUICK, GET ME A SCRIPT FOR ‘TOASTER’, THE NAME RECOGNITION IS OFF THE CHARTS!  It’s sad that it’ll just be the companies’ stock prices that take the hit, because everyone named in this story deserves to lose a million dollars each.

Stretch Armstrong is SO not impressed with the Human Torch's flaming ability

Well this is some shocking news.  When the studio hired Steve Oedekerk (Evan Almighty, Barnyard, Patch Adams) to write their Taylor Lautner-starring Stretch Armstrong 3D movie, I naturally assumed he’d be the last writer they’d ever need.  I mean, come on, Evan Almighty!  Bizarrely, they felt a rewrite of Oedekerk’s script was in order, so they hired Forgetting Sarah Marshall director Nicholas Stoller.  They also hired Monsters Vs. Aliens director Rob Letterman (who’s currently working with Stoller on Gulliver’s Travels) to direct.  Brian Grazer will produce, along with Dickensian villains Brian Goldner and Bennet Schneir from Hasbro.

I don’t know what the hell Nick Stoller is doing rewriting a Stretch Armstrong movie starring Taylor Lautner, but hey, it’s a paycheck, I guess.  I supposed I’d liken the writer of Stretch Armstrong to the person you’d hire to scrub semen off the booths at a peep show.  At the beginning, you hire some retarded kid, someone who doesn’t know any better, to soak up those really big, encrusted glops of jizz (the retarded jizz-glop-soaker in Stretch Armstrong‘s case being Steve Oedekerk). Once that part’s done, say you want to sell the place or whatever, then you can spend a little more money on a professional detailer like Nick Stoller.  He’s probably still gonna get a little spunk residue on his sponge (unless you found a really good retard, like a hybrid autistic retard, say), and it’s not something he’ll want to put on his resume… But hey, the economy, am I right?

[via ComingSoon]

Man, the execs who thought this one up deserved to be held down while we all line up to hit them with socks filled with dog poop.  Universal has officially announced that Taylor Lautner will star in Stretch Armstrong 3D.  He’ll play “uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.”  In a script from Steve Oedekerk.  Great, I’m gonna have to throw away this computer after typing that.

“In the past two years, Taylor has emerged as a real star at the global box office. He brings the perfect balance of energy and athleticism to the role of an unlikely super hero with a fantastic super power,” said Universal co-chairman Donna Langley. [THR]

Keep in mind, Taylor Lautner’s global box office stardom is based on his role in Twilight, which had a built-in audience and required him to do nothing but stand around with his shirt off.  Meanwhile, Steve Oedekerk’s last script was for Evan Almighty, which earned $75 million less than its budget, domestically.  Hey, investors, I hope that stretching formula works on your butthole.