Last year, Brett Ratner lost his gig as Oscars producer because he told a Tower Heist screening audience that he doesn’t rehearse scenes because “rehearsal is for fags.” Not exactly a surprising revelation for anyone who’s seen a Brett Ratner movie, but even Brett Ratner should know better than to use a gay slur on stage during a public appearance. This was all in the same month, by the way, that Olivia Munn said Brett Ratner masturbated to her with shrimp, to which Ratner responded by saying “I banged her a few times, but I forgot her. … She wasn’t Asian back then.” Clearly he was going for a MacArthur Genius grant.

Brett Ratner isn’t really a drunk, because EZ Cheez is non-alcoholic, so he couldn’t go to rehab, but his fake apology tour did include shooting a series of PSAs for GLAAD. And what do you know, now GLAAD has given Brett Ratner an award for those same PSAs that they commissioned. This is either a heartwarming story about the power of talking to each other about important issues, or an example of GLAAD basically giving themselves an award that says “Great idea, us!”

The director has been tapped to receive the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation’s inaugural Ally Award as part of the watchdog group’s 24th annual Media Awards, The Hollywood Reporter has learned.

“Out of anybody I’ve ever worked with, Brett has been the most humble and willing to put his money and actions where his mouth is,” GLAAD president Herndon Graddick told THR. “In terms of an ally and what someone can do after an incident that was negative like that, I’ve never worked with someone who displayed such genuine interest in helping the community. There’s no one who deserves this more than Brett does. GLAAD’s interest is in bringing allies in to join us in our fight for total equality and he really did that. I now consider him a friend.”

“I have long been a supporter of equal rights for everyone,” Ratner said. “So, when Herndon and the folks at GLAAD asked me to partner with them on this PSA campaign, I jumped at the opportunity. ” [THR]

See? It wasn’t even his idea. They’re giving him an award for agreeing with them. Look, it’s not that I think Brett Ratner is a homophobe, he’s just sort of a doofus. And this is the perfect example of GLAAD’s actual mission statement, which is to get themselves recognized as the official arbiters of gay taste. I mean, are you actually fighting for equality or just putting out press releases and throwing parties so you can hang out with famous people? I have to think that there were more important things they could’ve been doing when they were getting this Brett Ratner to make PSAs for them, which I imagine advanced the line at craft services a lot more than it did the public discourse. Call me when Michael Richards picks up a Source award, I bet that will be more entertaining.

Hollywood Reporter is doing some solid work today, catching up with Eileen Bowman, an actress who, in 1989, played Snow White opposite pre-sex scandal Rob Lowe in one of the most disastrous Oscars musical numbers of all time. It was an especially interesting read for me, since I’m too young to remember the number in question (older I get, the more I enjoy saying that). But I’m including the longest video of it I could find. My God, it’s so painful. It goes without saying, but there was a lot of cocaine going around in the late eighties.

The campy live number, arranged and conducted by Marvin Hamlisch, was as over-the-top as the man who masterminded it, Grease producer Allan Carr, a bombastic Hollywood oddball famed for wearing caftans and hosting debauched parties at his disco-equipped house in Benedict Canyon. (That residence, Hilhaven Lodge, is the current home of Brett Ratner, leading some to joke that the place is cursed, at least where producing the Oscars is concerned.)

The bit featured background actors dressed as stars with black leggings and Merv Griffin singing about coconuts, for 15 minutes, even longer and more painful than an SNL cold open these days. Just how bad was it?

Carr was uniformly shunned at industry canteen Morton’s the following day. Disney, which then had no stake in ABC, was furious over the unauthorized use of its copyrighted version of Snow White and filed a lawsuit against the Academy. And 17 Hollywood heavyweights — among them Paul Newman, Gregory Peck, Julie Andrews and Billy Wilder — signed an open letter deriding the telecast as “an embarrassment to both the Academy and the entire motion picture industry.”

This is at an event for an organization that invited Billy Crystal back to host last year. You can imagine how bad a bit would have to be to inspire an open letter.

[Bowman, during the audition process] Our first stop was Allan Carr’s house. I remember his swimming pool had pink water in it. He had a 30-foot Oscar outside his door and auditioned us in a robe. The other girl and I looked at each other thinking, “What is happening?”

My dress was bought for $23,000 by someone involved with the production who was buried in it. It was a man. I’m leaving it at that.

[The next day after the Oscars] My phone never stopped ringing. It was awful. All I can say is what Rob Lowe said, “Never trust a man in a caftan.” [THR]

Anyway, it’s a great read, and I’d definitely urge you to check it out. I’d like to think Brett Ratner has since had Allan Carr’s pink disco pool filled with nacho cheese. Disco pool —> Crisco pool.

A few months ago, we found out that Brett Ratner would be wheezing Cheeto crumbs and leaving nacho cheese fingerprints all over the script for Hercules, with the lead role to be played by The Rock, in a “graphic-novel-based” film produced by Peter “JOIN THE ARMY, MOTHERF*CKER” Berg. Now, Renny Harlin, who directed Deep Blue Sea, Cutthroat Island, Die Hard 2, and a John Cena movie, and who was basically Michael Bay before Michael Bay was Michael Bay, has signed on for a competing project called “Hercules 3D,” which is totally gonna be supes different from that other Hercules movie, you guys. I mean, for one thing, I hear the 3D goes up to 11.

“It’s not a comic book, cartoony fantasy thing,” Harlin tells The Hollywood Reporter. “It’s closer to Gladiator than flying horses.”
On the subject of the competing Hercules project, Harlin says, “I think these are very different kinds of movies in their approach to this legendary character. Obviously, Hercules has been portrayed in many different films, such as the Disney animated movie. I wish them luck. Ancient Greek mythology is an endless source of good stories … Let’s see both movies be successful.”
Millennium has begun pre-production on the $70-million-budgeted film and expects to cast its eight leading roles in the next few weeks. The company is eyeing a May production start on its lot in Sofia, Bulgaria, and hopes to have the movie ready for a March 2014 release.
The aggressive schedule is squarely aimed to beat Paramount and MGM’s rival Hercules project, which is being directed by Brett Ratner and is to star Dwayne Johnson. That movie is set for an Aug. 8, 2014, release.

Renny Harlin’s movies are awesomely sh*tty, and Hercules is every dumb studio exec’s brilliant plan to capitalize on The 300 (at one point there were three separate Hercules movies in development, I’m not sure how many there are now). This seems like a match made in dumb movie heaven. There aren’t many people besides Renny Harlin who could ever dream of out-dumbing a Brett Ratner movie starring a pro wrestler. Paul WS Anderson, maybe. Anyway, this is great news for Jason Momoa. Stay near the phone, dude.

Dwayne the Rock Johnson is one of the most likable and charismatic media personalities around and Brett Ratner is Hollywood’s most successful ass-kissing social climber, so it was probably inevitable that they’d one day cross paths (artist’s conception above). Turns out Ratner will be stalking craft services’ shrimp cocktail platter on Hercules, a graphic-novel-based The Rock vehicle being produced by Peter “JOIN THE ARMY, MOTHERF*CKER!” Berg.

The Brett Ratner-directed Hercules action film will be co-produced by Paramount and MGM, the companies announced today. Johnson and Ratner’s names have been attached to the project since early spring. The screenplay was adapted by Ryan Condal from Radical Studios’ graphic novel Hercules: The Thracian Wars. [Deadline]

Expected to start shooting in 2013, the project is based on a comic called Hercules: The Thracian Wars, which is described thusly:

Nearly 3,200 years ago, a tormented soul walked the Earth as neither man nor god: Hercules, powerful son of the god-king Zeus, and for this he received nothing but suffering. After 12 arduous labors and the loss of his family, this dark, world-weary soul turned his back on the gods, finding solace only in bloody battle. Over the years, he warmed to the company of six similar souls, bonded by their love of fighting and the presence of death never questioning where they go or who they fight, just how much they will be paid. Now the King of Thrace has hired these mercenaries to turn his men into the greatest army of all time, which means training them to be as bloodthirsty and ruthless as their own reputation. It is time for this band of lost souls to finally have their eyes opened to how far they have fallen and the narrow, perilous path to their own redemption. [Screenrant]

So, Conan meets Clash of the Titans, basically? Also, the mercenaries redeem themselves by training other mercenaries to become bloodthirsty and ruthless? That’s… interesting. That synopsis read like six Tapout commercials simultaneously trying to rear naked choke each other. Look, here’s what to expect: A greased-up, shirtless Rock bonks dudes on the head while Ratner throws shrimp at him, and it makes $80 million.

Comedy usually works better in short bursts (brevity, soul of wit, etc.), and it’s incredibly hard to maintain the funny over the course of a standard, 90-minute plus, single-narrative movie format. Which raises the question, why do we keep trying to make it fit? The Kentucky Fried Movie-style Movie 43, produced by Peter Farrelly, takes the opposite approach, weaving a pastiche of comedy vignettes starring a broad ensemble of famous actors swearing liberally and playing against type, directed by a whole flock (murder? herd?) of directors, including:

Peter Farrelly, Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill, Steve Carr, Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, Griffin Dunne, Patrik Forsberg, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk and Brett Ratner.

Oh right, I’m supposed to believe “Rusty Cundieff” is a real person? Is that Chad Farthouse’s handyman? Harry Beefcurtain’s publicist? Anyway, check out the red-band trailer below if you want to hear Angela Lansbury repeatedly use the N-word.
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