Alternate headline: FURTHER PROOF LIFE NOT FAIR
Lost in the retarded publicity stunt that was putting Marge Simpson on the cover of this month’s Playboy (honestly, to anyone who buys Playboy for the promise of seeing a naked Marge Simpson… let’s never hang out) was the alternate cover featuring Victoria’s Secret model Alina Puscau. Who’s Alina Puscau, you ask? Why, she’s Brett Ratner’s girlfriend, and he shot the cover and her pictorial. That’s right, when he’s not breathlessly tweeting from a Jonas Bros concert, butchering the English language, or directing terrible movies, Brett Ratner sleeps with a Victoria’s Secret model. Allegedly. Normally I’m highly in favor of looking at pictures of naked women, but imagining this girl’s body with the Rat Man’s nacho cheese-stained paws all over it is a total boner killer. I wonder if they paint each other’s nails and talk about Miley records. (I guaran-goddamn-tee you Brett Ratner refers to all celebrities by first name only, just dying for someone to ask who he means.)
Reached for comment, Brett Ratner just sent me this:
(I will never get tired of this picture)
In part two of unsurprising Roman Polanski supporters, we go from Woody Allen to Brett Ratner. As it turns out, the number one Miley Cyrus fan and Jonas Bros concert goer had actually announced plans to direct a sequel to the 2008 documentary, Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired, only hours before Polanski’s arrest. My sources say the sequel was tentatively titled Roman Polanski: Nacho Crumbs Accidentally Spat At.
Hours before Polanski was busted in Zurich, Ratner taped an interview for BlogTalkRadio’s “Movie Geeks United” show and announced he’ll be producing a sequel to Marina Zenovich’s 2008 documentary, “Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired.”
“The family has forgiven [Polanski]. The victim has forgiven him. The rest of the world has forgiven him,” said Ratner, who cast Polanski as a French detective in his movie “Rush Hour 3.” “The LA judicial system is corrupt. It’s horrible.” [NYPost]
As Cinematical points out, Ratner also went to Auschwitz with Polanski for a feature in Heeb Magazine. Ratner and Polanski go to Auschwitz, I know, it sounds like the premise for a wacky sitcom. Meanwhile, as part of my continuing coverage of asinine Brett Ratner Tweets, it appears that the Rat man is also friends with Polanski’s 16-year-old daughter, Morgane, tweeting just last week, “@MorganePolanski i love u more than Miley!!!!!!!” So I ask: would it not be the height of irony if Brett Ratner was only befriending Roman Polanski to get close to his underage daughter? …Allegedly. But get your mind out of the gutter, he’s not interested in her sexually. The dude has been known to quote Jonas Brothers lyrics. He probably just needs someone with whom to discuss puffy paint and trapper keepers. In fact, she’s probably a little old for him.
Rush Hour/X3 director Brett Ratner for the most part is a boring kissass (sample Tweet: “@MorganePolanski i love u more than Miley!!!!!!!”) who makes crappy movies. But occasionally he’ll say pop up to say something ridiculous, like how he got his first BJ from a trannie, or more recently, that he lost his virginity to a paraplegic.
“When I sent the original script [for his segment of New York, I Love You] , which is autobiographical, the producers would not let me film it because, in the original ending, she (the girl) is a cripple, and they have sex as she’s hanging from a tree in Central Park. Everyone was freaking out over my short, so I changed it to where she wasn’t a cripple, but an actress pretending to be a cripple.”
In the disturbing scene, the girl, played by Olivia Thirlby, insists Ratner’s character (Yelchin) makes love to her, while she is suspended from a tree. [DailyExpress]
Brett Ratner also wrote a script about Hitler, but later had to change it to where it’d just be an actor pretending to be Hitler when he found out that the real Hitler was dead.
You know those embarrassingly hyperbolic and self-important montages they do at the Oscars before they present an award? The ones designed to convince you that the recipient is the most important thing to happen to the universe since the big bang? Ever wondered how those could possibly get any worse? Answer: make the recipient BRETT RATNER and devote FIVE AND HALF MINUTES to how awesome he is. This apparently came from a Kodak ShowEast Award from 2004. The theme? A night of no credibility.
Reached for comment, Ratner tweeted “@officialTila Hay gurl, did u c my award vid?? awsome rite? LOLzone! letz do nachos sum time!! HOLLATCHABOI!
(thanks to Nino for finding this)
SlashFilm recently posted this picture of Brett Ratner on the set of one of his Guitar Hero commercials. He’s talking on the phone while looking at a monitor and sitting in the director’s chair, the implication being that he’s being lazy and inconsiderate and dicking around on the job. But this could easily have been taken during a rehearsal, or they might be in the middle of moving lights around and not shooting, so him being on the phone might not be that big of a deal. Regardless, this seemed as good a time as any to see what this fat lazy idiot’s been up to lately. From his Twitter page:
@sevinnyne6126 [Lindsay Lohan] I cant believe your not following me?
@PerezHilton ha ha i love u perez…don’t forget that i snuck u into the SNL afterparty when no one knew who u were…
@officialTila [yep, Tila Tequila] are you back in town?
Which is to say, talking on the phone during a shot is far from the worst thing that can happen on a Brett Ratner shoot. You should’ve seen the time on Rush Hour 3 when he dropped the phone in his plate of nachos, and it was Paris Hilton and he really wanted to talk to her, so he had to eat all the nachos as fast as he could so he could get to the phone before she hung up. “That was a really delicious day,” Ratner said later.
