Last year, when I asked Vince if I could rank the year’s worst movies, it seemed like a harmless enough idea. Now, though, I realize how terrible it was, because I have to watch these horrible movies. Here’s a fun fact: 2011 HAD SO MANY F*CKING TERRIBLE MOVIES. And now that SOPA is about to kick in and limit my ability to criticize these awful films and the dipsh*ts who make them, lest I end up in military prison for life, I figured that this year’s list needed to be more concise than last year’s effort.

For starters, I added some new superlatives because it’s simply not fair to other terrible movies that Adam Sandler and Happy Madison crapped out 4 movies this year. I have to be impartial when I’m putting together a list of the worst movies and that’s just not possible when Bucky Larson is such a phenomenally awful movie. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Without further ado, I give you the Worst Movies of 2011. Please share this with as many people as possible so we can put an end to the misery.

Just kidding, that won’t happen. After all, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg will be releasing The Biggest Movie of All-Time 3D next year. We’re doomed.

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Following Brett Ratner’s resignation in the wake of his insensitive comments toward shrimp, gays, rehearsal, Olivia Munn, and Asians, the Academy has named as his replacement Brian Grazer, probably best known as Ron Howard’s producing partner, and for constantly looking as sweaty and coked out as Brett Ratner probably actually is. Also, he came up with the idea for Splash (true story). Most recently, Grazer produced Brett Ratner’s Tower Heist, so you figure the Academy must really have thought long and hard about this decision.

Grazer, a producer of the upcoming J. Edgar, was at the top of the list of producers whom Sherak approached to come aboard and co-produce the show along with the previously announced Don Mischer. Grazer’s first order of business will be naming a new host.

“Brian Grazer is a renowned filmmaker who over the past 25 years has produced a diverse and extranordinary body of work,” Academy president Tom Sherak said. “he will certainly bring his tremendous talent, creativity and relationships to the Oscars.” [THR]

With Eddie Murphy out, presumably his replacement will be someone else from the cast of Tower Heist. I vote for Gabourey Sidibe, but only if she does the whole thing in a Jamaican accent.

“‘ey, mon, I hareby awarrd dis year’s Os-carr for Most Tasty to dees roast-tad cheeckan. A nuh mi like vegetable, BUH! BUH! …Now, whare da bumbaclot ‘tief dan stole me Krispy Kreme? BANDULU! Fess up, nah! Which wan a you bal’ ‘ead gwan tief me donut?!”

Yesterday afternoon, Brett Ratner stepped down as Oscars host in the wake of all the terrible things he said about rehearsal, Asians, Lindsay Lohan, and shrimp (but mostly because he used the F-A-G word). There was much speculation about whether Eddie Murphy, who’d been hand-fondled by Ratner to host the telecast (and who used that same word quite a few times in an even worse context in his most famous comedy special), would stay on as emcee. The short answer: no, he won’t.

Commented Murphy, “First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.” [HollywoodReporter]

Yes, how could one of the world’s most famous comedians ever hope to host an awards show without the guidance of the guy who made Money Talks? It would be LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Why, he might forget to be sassy! Meanwhile, I think the best Oscars suggestion I’ve heard came from Steven Rosenthal on Twitter:

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It seems like it was only hours ago that we were sharing Brett Ratner’s public apology for saying “rehearsal is for f*gs,” along with Academy President Tom Sherak’s public acceptance of that apology, but apparently that wasn’t enough. Because now Ratner has tendered his full resignation (no doubt covered in Cheeto crumbs and pubes). It’s sad, because I’ve said all along, much more so than directing movies, hosting a big Hollywood ass-kissing festival is the job Brett Ratner was born to do.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirms that Brett Ratner has resigned as producer of this year’s Oscar telecast following his use of a gay slur on Friday evening and his raunchy interview on “The Howard Stern Show” Monday.
In an open letter, Ratner said he resigned to Academy president Tom Sherak this morning by phone and that he “apologizes publicly and unreservedly.”
“I should have known this all along, but at least I know it now: words do matter,” Ratner said. “Having love in your heart doesn’t count for much if what comes out of your mouth is ugly and bigoted.”
By late Tuesday he had accepted Ratner’s resignation.
“He did the right thing for the Academy and for himself,” Sherak said in a statement. “Words have meaning, and they have consequences. Brett is a good person, but his comments were unacceptable. We all hope this will be an opportunity to raise awareness about the harm that is caused by reckless and insensitive remarks, regardless of the intent.”
It is unclear whether Murphy will stay on as host. [Variety]

Look, no one’s arguing that Ratner isn’t a dipsh*t, and a public figure thinking he can get away with saying “f*g” onstage at a public event in 2011 is only proof of that. But seriously, let’s stop kidding ourselves. He used a word. He didn’t kill anyone. He slipped into the schoolyard vernacular in which “f*g” has much broader meaning than “hateful slur against a homosexual.” You can’t ban every word that someone uses in hate, they’ll just switch to different words. Stupid, yes, hateful no. An apology should be sufficient (this is a guy who claimed he got his first BJ from a man, after all). And as long as we’re keeping score here, isn’t saying “she wasn’t Asian back then” a lot more bigoted than “rehearsal is for f*gs”? Like to imply that someone’s race is somehow tied to how they act or present themselves, and not just a physical form into which you were born? Kind of like the root of all stereotypes? No matter. Let’s all keep pretending that just strictly sticking to the set of acceptable PC non-hate terms will solve all of the world’s problems, while we watch a guy famous for his “f*ggots can’t look at my ass” bit perform clean family comedy while we eat shrimp.

(*sadly covers nacho cheese fountain with tarp*)

Someday, old friend.

Post-Script: Is it fitting that Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy have both been in trouble for being too free with the word “f*g”, and have both had famous encounters with transvestites?

"I don't know... let's try getting some more sluts in the frame."

I hope you all saved up money for tickets and commemorative t-shirts, because the Brett Ratner Kinda Sorta Apology Tour is in full swing. You may remember in the last two days how good ol’ Ratface talked about “banging” Olivia Munn back before she was Asian, and endearingly pointed out to a crowded theater that “rehearsal is for f*gs.” Well, now he wants you to know he’s sorry. A little. You know, if you took it wrong. Pussy.

First, his statement on using a gay slur:

“I apologize for any offense my remarks caused. It was a dumb way of expressing myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.”

As a storyteller? AS A STORYTELLER? Whoawhoawhoa. Pump the brakes, bub. A drunk with a bullhorn tells more subtle and evocative stories than Brett Ratner. It’s like Hooters calling itself a three star French restaurant. And I love the classic “sorry if you were offended” tone. The whole statement might as well say, “Sorry if you homos got mad. I love you guys, really. You’re great to have around so ladies let their guard down. I’ll be more awesome next time. Love (not like that, ew), Ratsy.”

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