The original William Tell legend is kind of like the Swiss equivalent of Braveheart (but more fictionalized), or Robin Hood. Basically, it goes, the Austrian Habsburgs were trying to colonize William Tell’s neck of Switzerland in 1307. The new Austrian sheriff came to town, put his hat on a flag in the town square, and said everyone had to bow to it. William Tell didn’t bow, so the sheriff captured his son and as punishment, made him shoot an apple off the kid’s head. William Tell split the apple in twain, then later killed the sheriff, inspired a revolt against the Habsburgs, and I assumed banged chicks and dunked his balls in the fondue (a traditional Swiss celebration). It’s your prototypical medieval badass story. Now it’s coming to the silver screen, because there’s nothing Hollywood loves better than a story of Swiss exceptionalism, and who better to bring such a story to life than the director of Yogi Bear and star of Furry Vengeance?

To the blockquote! (*slips on banana peel, falls on whoopie cushion, pees pants, bird poops on face*)

Eric Brevig previously directed Fraser in the 3D hit Journey to the Center of the Earth, and also helmed Yogi Bear. Brevig is more than capable of shooting the splitting of an apple in 3D; he graduated to director from the position of visual effects supervisor on such films as Total Recall, Pearl Harbor, Men in Black and The Day After Tomorrow. Producer Todd Moyer said that he sparked to the idea of reteaming Fraser and Brevig. “Family action adventure is exactly what Brendan and Eric do best,” he said. “Eric’s skills and experience will make this film compete with any studio film.” The film is now eying a mid-March 2012 start in Castel Studios in Romania and on location in Switzerland. The budget is upped to $27 million and Chad and Evan Law are tweaking their script. [Deadline]

So this is going to be a 3D, medieval action movie, and it costs $27 million. How the hell did Conan the Barbarian cost $90 million again? Was it Rose McGowan’s forehead budget? I never understand this math stuff. Anyway, I’m sure this will be at least as historically accurate as Paul WS Anderson’s steam punk Three Musketeers. And by that I mean I’ll be surprised if it’s not called “Will.i.am Tell 3D” by the time they finish the script. A story of a musical revolt set in a contemporary urban potentate, it could be.

[gif courtesy of our own Stinky Peet]

Reader Stinky Peet created this yesterday in honor of Brendan Fraser playing William Tell.

MORNING LINKS

Meme Watch: Osama Bin Laden Watching TV [Uproxx]

140 Characters of Ego: May Edition [Uproxx]

This Week in Posters [Filmdrunk]

Game of Thrones: Just the Badass Parts [WarmingGlow]

The Dugout: Axe of the Dwarvish Lords [WithLeather]

Awkward Photo Steals Thunder From Dingus Willing To Pay Thousands To Lunch With Peter King (photoshops) [KSK]

What’s Next For The Los Angeles Lakers? [TSS]

Here’s a fur seal doing some cute, heartwarming type sh*t. |TheDailyWhat|

The world’s best puke save. |BostonStool|

Dragons having sex with cars, an illustrated essay. |Buzzfeed|

New iPhone app imagines you with bigger breasts. |NYCStool|

Penelope Cruz and Vanessa Hudgens at the Pirates premiere. |TheSuperficial|

Six other Thors less worthy of your attention. |HolyTaco|

Pippa Middleton offered $5Mil To Do A Vivid Video [Fark]

8 Troma Films That Deserve a Remake More Than the Toxic Avenger [ToplessRobot]

Warren Buffet will guest star on the Office finale. |ScreenJunkies|

Alexa Heart is your hand bra model for the day. |GorillaMask|

NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK. THE FROTCAST (OUR PODCAST) ON iTUNES. FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK. FILMDRUNK ON TWITTER.

In case you haven’t heard, the new coolest thing in Hollywood is taking fairy tales you don’t have to pay royalties for and re-imagining them as gritty action movies set to Papa Roach songs (see: Red Riding Hood, Zorro Reborn, Snow White & The Huntsman, Pan).  The latest is a 3D adaptation of William Tell from the director of Little Black Book.  C-Tates was busy playing Peter Pan, so naturally they got the next best thing, Brendan Fraser, star of the critically-acclaimed Furry Vengeance and the upcoming fish-heist movie Whole Lotta Sole. …I think we all know what gif is going here.

[Producer Todd] Moyer expects principal photography to begin October 1st at Castel Studios in Romania and on location in Switzerland.

Moyer says, “There is no other actor who is more perfectly suited to be the patriot and family man that is William Tell. Brendan was the driving force behind the movie being shot in 3D. He’s a witty, charming and very likeable action hero, and he really anchors the ensemble cast.”

“Even his mom agrees that he’s totally nice.”

William Tell is a legend in North America for shooting an apple from the top of his son’s head with a bow and arrow (it was really a crossbow). What Americans don’t know is that he’s a revered historical figure in Europe.

In the legend, Tell just can’t leave well enough alone. The local potentate of the Hapsburg monarch, Hermann Gessler forces Tell to shoot the apple because he refused to bow before Gessler’s hat, erected in a town square. Tell succeeds in cleanly (and safely) cleaving the fruit and wins his and his son’s freedom. But Gessler asks Tell why he had two arrows is his quiver, and Tell replies he was going to shoot Gessler with the second if he’d missed. Tell’s defiance of Gessler [and eventual assassination of him, according to some stories] ignited an uprising against the Austrian government which led to the formation of Switzerland. If confirmed, Anna Paquin will play Zora, Tell’s wife and Til Schweiger will play Gessler. [ComingSoon]

In the re-imagining, Fraser’s William Tell must join forces with a family of feisty squirrels to stop Gessler the greedy developer from bulldozing the forest  to build a gaudy cathedral.  But can he make it to the town square without stepping on more rakes?? Find out, this summer!

Aw, I miss the old days, when Brendan Fraser was just a handsome Jewish football player.

Furry Vengeance mega-star Brendan Fraser is poised to yet again redefine the high-concept comedy, by starring in a story about fish robbery called… wait for it… “Whole Lotta Sole.”

Mother of God, will this bow tie EVER stop spinning??

Brendan Fraser will topline comedic heist pic, produced by Jay Russell and directed by Terry George. Budgeted at about $5.5 million, “Sole” will shoot in Northern Ireland.
Script by George and Thomas Gallagher centers on a young man robbing a fish shop in order to pay off a gambling debt; the heist goes terribly — and humorously — awry when it turns into a hostage situation. Fraser will portray the shopkeeper, who’s on the run from his gangster father-in-law.

Did I mention it’s called “Whole Lotta Sole?” Your move, satire.  BUT WAIT!  We still haven’t reached the (*RECORD SCRATCH*) portion of the article!

George previously directed “Hotel Rwanda” from his own script and directed “Reservation Road.” [Variety]

(*banana peel, kazoo, slide whistle, Flintstones’ car coming to a halt*) On second thought, let’s not go to Hollywood. ‘Tis a silly place.  So the next time you’re thinking of snubbing Harvey Weinstein’s lunch invitation and your agent yells, “You screw this up and you’ll be directing… fish heist movies!  With… Brendan Fraser!”  Don’t think they’re just idle threats.  God, I can’t wait to hear the trailer announcer say “…from the director of Hotel Rwanda,” while a CGI fish dances to Willow Smith.

Much has been made of Natalie Portman’s dorky laugh from the Golden Globes last weekend. It was discussed in real time on Twitter, and the next day on blogs everywhere. Then someone created an 8 second loop of the laugh, and posted it on YouTube. After that, friend of Film Drunk and Frotcast regular Lindy West took it to its logical conclusion by putting out a call for a mashup featuring said loop and Brendan Fraser’s Once and Future King of the Doofs clap and point from last year’s Golden Globes. Well, since I am the hero the Internet needs, I have stepped up to the plate. Above, please find the requested mashup. You are welcome, world and Lindy West.

Three brief notes about the video:

1) I invited a Film Drunk favorite into the mashup. I figured he’d be down to “party.”

2) I’m well aware that three and a half minutes is way, WAY too long of a loop. In my defense, I had like six psychotic breakdowns while editing this together. Natalie Portman’s laugh now haunts my soul. I think Vince summed it up pretty well in an email when he said, “I’ve been grinding my teeth to the rhythm of her laugh for the last 10 minutes.” Again, you are welcome.

3) As a palate cleanser, here is a picture of a baby polar bear I found on Buzzfeed.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I made this video yesterday afternoon after class, but sat on it until today. Then, earlier this morning, I saw that College Humor put together their own version, also featuring Brendan Fraser. So, for any of you residing in the greater Philadelphia area, that pained screaming you heard around 9 AM was me. Sorry if I woke you.