Brad Cooper’s Limitless led a boring box office weekend in which none of the new releases made more than $20 million or less than $10 million.  THIS JUST IN: EVERYTHING’S FINE. Even super-flop Mars Needs Mom was down only 23% from its worst-ever opening last weekend.  At $15.4 million, it still has a way to go to earn back the estimated $175 million they spent on it, but it wasn’t exactly making headlines. Limitless (Tagline: WHAT IF A PILL… COULD MAKE YOU RICH AND POWERFUL?) even got decent reviews, and I was trying to figure out why I have no interest in seeing it.  I watched the trailer again, and I came up with three main factors.

1. “Most people only use 20% of their brain…” Oh really?  Well that explains why getting shot in the head is such a treatable injury.

2. Schlubby Brad Cooper vs. Brad Cooper, Pill-Addicted Billionaire.  I have a picture of Brad Cooper BEFORE he takes the magic genius pill, and a picture of him after.  Try to guess which is which.

The war is over Brad Cooper, the bums lost!

You don’t need magic pills anymore, man.  You’ve got expensive ties and a haircut, THE KEYS TO SUCCESS!  DAMN YOU, MAGIC PILLS, WHY COULDN’T I HAVE FIGURED THIS OUT ON MY OWN??

3. The Magic Touch Screen.  In real life, if you ever see someone really smart using a computer, they’re usually typing some code you’re too dumb to understand.  Filmmakers need a way for this to look cinematic, and if you’re not very creative, the solution is always… THE MAGICAL TOUCH SCREEN!

MY GOD, HE’S MANIPULATING THE COMPUTER’S WILL WITH HIS BARE HANDS!  AND WITHOUT EVEN A PAIR OF SPECIAL GLOVES? HE MUST BE THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!

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Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, and Todd Phillips carried the first Hangover, even though the script was pretty lame and hacky.  I was going to say that, instead of calling it “overrated”, but then the sequel teaser hits and practically the whole thing is glowing quotes from critics about the first one.  Really, guys?  That’s still the movie where the fat guy gets a BJ from an old lady in an elevator, right?

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Before I report this, be advised that it’s highly possible that this is just TMZ trying to milk a big story and not really news. It’s hard to tell if “unnamed source” is code for “a person who would know” or just “some stuff we read on teh internetz.”

Multiple sources connected with the production tell TMZ … director Todd Phillips cast Mel in the role of a tattoo artist a month ago and that the entire cast and crew knew about it and were simpatico.
The problem came three days ago, when the story leaked.  Our sources say the friends of some of the cast and crew started putting pressure on them to lodge sudden, last-minute displeasure with Phillips’ choice.
Our sources say some of the production people became belatedly upset because they were getting so much crap from friends, so they began objecting. One of the loudest, we’re told, was Zach Galifianakis.
There were other people in the cast and crew who were also making noise about walking off the set if Mel showed up.  Our sources say Bradley Cooper was not among the group who complained. [TMZ]

As a quick fact check, the Mel Gibson cameo news broke around October 17th – 18th.  The news that Galifianakis was in “deep protest” over it hit the 19th.  HOWEVER, that protest story was based on something Galifianakis said on a Comedy Death Ray Podcast, which was recorded on the 13th or earlier.  Not mentioning Gibson by name, that was when Galifianakis said:

“I’m in a deep protest right now with a movie I’m working on, up in arms about something. But I can’t get the guys to [listen] … I’m not making any leeway.”

Since Galifianakis brought it up before the news broke, to say it was only after that the cast started complaining would seem to be false. And again, maybe the complaint was more that the bit wasn’t funny than because they were worried about offending Vegas sluts and packs of N-words.  We don’t know. It’s possible Brad Cooper was the only non-hypocrite. His deep blue eyes and masculine figure make me want to believe that.  However, it will be a cold day in hell before I ever trust a guy named “Brad.”  See this? Logic. I could be a TV judge.  (*waits for fist bump from sassy black bailiff*)

Despite the fact that his last four movies were The Happening, Lady in the Water, The Village, and Signs, and that he’s proven himself to be kind of a prick (the theme of Lady in the Water, one of the most unwatchable movies of all time, was basically that M. Night is awesome and anyone who doubts him is a jerk), movie execs are still apparently willing to deal with M. Night Shyamalan. Shyalami’s latest — his follow-up to the upcoming Last Airbender — supposedly has Bruce Willis, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Brad Cooper “loosely attached.”  But other than that it’s a big secret.

Shyamalan is famously secretive, and this project is no exception: Only top studio execs have read the script, and they were required to allow a Shyamalan assistant to supervise the process. When the execs finished reading, the assistant took the script back and left. [HeatVision]

I like to imagine Shyamalan magically appearing in an exec’s office in a puff of smoke while wearing a big cape and petting a cat.  “Have you finished my script yet?  Hand it back.  No one can know my comings and goings.”  Then he’d cover himself with the cape and disappear back into the smoke.

“Wow, that guy is weird.  So… what was the script about?”

“It was about a mysterious vampire who terrorizes a family. They’re powerless to stop him, but then at the end it turns out he’s allergic to bees.  Frankly, I’m not sure I understood it.”

There’s a new trailer out for the Joe Carnahan-directed A-Team, and this one seems specially designed for the person who saw the first one and said, “Hmm, not ridiculous enough.”  Besides more of the parachuting-a-tank-out-of-an-airplane-and-shooting-other-planes-with-it scene, we’ve also got:

• Liam Neeson as Hannibal pulling the old Shawshank Redemption trick… for a cigar.  Just buy it at the commissary, show off.
• “I ain’t flyin on no planes!” is now “Oh hell naw. I ain’t steppin foot on any type a aircraft.”  Well la di dah, looks like someone‘s dating an English major.
• Instead of BA saying “I pity the fool!’, he just has “PITY” and “FOOL” tattooed on his knuckles. …Right, because just saying the line would’ve been stupid.
• District 9‘s Sharlto Copley as Murdock tries to jump start a van with a defibrillator.  About which Hannibal says “My kind of guy.”  Aw, I love that electricity-ignorant f*ck.
• RAIL GRINDING DOWN A SKYSCRAPER, OOH WHA AH AH-AH!
• BASE jump to parachute snagged on the skids of passing helicopter.  You know they planned that sh*t too.

As you all know, I grip it and rip it and live life with a lot of flair on a daily basis, but even I might have to keister a couple Red Bulls to get through this.  Ooh, and I almost forgot: Brad Cooper shirtless.  I knew there was a reason I had that vaseline out.

[available in HD at Apple]